Introduction to Compassionate Mediation – a whole new world…

Introduction to Compassionate Mediation – a whole new world…

The first thing I want to do is read you a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh.

He said, “To reconcile conflicting parties, we must have the ability to understand the suffering of both sides. If we take sides, it is impossible to do the work of reconciliation, and humans want to take sides. That is why the situation gets worse and worse. 

Are there people who are still available to both sides? They need not do much.

They need only do one thing, go to one side and tell all about the suffering endured by the other side and go to the other side until all about the suffering endured by this side.

That is our chance for peace.  That can change the situation.”

And that is what we do with Compassionate Mediation.

We're trying to do is give each party – or if you're working with an individual, give the individual – a chance to come from their highest self, let go of their limiting beliefs, unburden pain from the past and relate from their hearts. 

And then when they relate from their heart, they can talk about their

feelings that they've exiled – the hurt, the sadness, the fear – and their partner can listen to that. 

Their partner can't listen to the judgments, the “you” messages. You always do this, you never do that. 

And a lot of people are getting into some very bad habits of communicating. Maybe they're fighting more, maybe they're distancing more. Maybe they're doing the dance of fighting and distancing. 

But now more than ever, the skill of Compassionate Mediation can be something that you can use with your current clients or future clients to teach them a new way to communicate.

Compassionate Mediation starts with compassionate communication. 

And the good part about it  is you're trained in therapy or coaching or helping them process their feelings.

You're also going be able to talk about the content.

If you're talking about a property division, how to talk about the property aspect or how to talk about child support or how to talk about maintenance, if there's going to be any.

You will help them through all the feelings that come up around these subjects.

And far too often we'll be counseling someone and they'll decide they're thinking of a divorce and they want to go to a mediator.

Or they want to hire an attorney. 

I mentioned to anyone thinking of the divorce that mediation is always the best way to go, whether it's Compassionate Mediation or any other mediation because it gives them a chance to speak with each other. 

But in compassionate mediation, we're teaching them away to be more self-led to compassionately communicate, to learn how to empathize, and then to talk about all the different options they have. 

Another thing we're doing in Compassionate Mediation is we're talking them “off the ledge.”

And if you know what I mean, it's when an individual or couple comes into your office and they think they have to act now, they think they have to jump, they've reached the end of their rope,

They're so tired of the same old, same old that they need to make a decision and they need to make it fast. 

Deep breath here.

The important thing is not what they decide, but are they deciding from their highest and best self

Because if they're not, they're just reacting. They're reacting to their own parts, they're reacting to their partner's part.

But when it happens in marriage counseling, many people don't bring it up because they think that if they're in marriage counseling, all they're there for is to make the marriage better. 

And unfortunately, one or both of them may have already been considering, “What would it be like to separate, What would it be like to find somebody new? What would it be like to get out of this union?”

But  because they're exiling that part of themselves, they're only showing up with a part that's trying to be invested in counseling, but they're not fully invested in counseling because they're not talking about the part that's thought about leaving. 

We use Compassionate Mediation to make it safe for all parts to come in and feel welcome:  The parts that are scared, the parts that are worried, the parts that are angry, the parts that feel betrayed, and the parts that think I might want  to end this, what would that look like.

And that's why in one of the modules in the training,  I talk about how you talk to the initiator and how you talk to the non initiator. 

The initiator is the party in the couple, the one member of the couple that really would like to separate or divorce, and I tell that person that if they don't process some of the feelings that led to their desire to leave, their partner is not going to be part of this process. Their partner is going to pull out. 

So then they'd be left with having to hire an attorney and file for divorce. 

Their partner would have to file a response, and  a year or two later, thousands of dollars later, maybe they'll get divorced. 

So I tell the initiator, take the time to learn how to communicate to process the feelings that got you here.

And I tell the non-initiator, the person that doesn't want to think about a divorce, doesn't want to think about a separation may be totally obsessed with staying together – that if they don't open their minds to consider the possibility of leaving, the partner that wants to separate or divorce isn't going to stay in this process because it's going to feel too much like marriage counseling.

So they have to meet in the middle where the person who wants out talks about feelings. The person that wants to stay talks about what would it look like if I left 

And you hold the space for that whole conversation and whatever topic they bring up, if they bring up money and how money is divided between the two of them, that's a subject that could go on for weeks or months.

Because when you talk about money, you have to talk about all the parts that are triggered about that conversation.

You can talk about the legacy burdens that each of them brought nto the relationship about the roles and responsibilities. You can talk about their limiting beliefs or the way they've managed, or the parts they've exiled.

And at the same time you will know enough to give them feedback about how to talk about money. 

So if you're talking about property division, you list their assets and then you list their debts.

And that process can take weeks because most of all they don't have that information readily.

Sometimes it could just take a session for one  party to feel as educated as the other party is, but you will have this skill set

to facilitate that conversation.

Please join me and learn more at www.LindaKroll.com/Roadmap

No More “Should’s”

No More “Should’s”

When I think of the things I’ve GOT to do

I feel depleted before I’m through

I feel defeated with all “to do”

And then I hurt instead.

What I think of tasks I “SHOULD” complete

I feel exhausted and not replete.

I feel reluctant and get cold feet

And then just stay in bed.

When will I give myself a break?

And enjoy my life? Stay home and bake?

Or play and dance for just joy’s sake

With those I’d love to see?

A pinched nerve here, cancer there —

The Universe has a plan.

If I won’t heed my wisdom’s call

It will help me understand.

There’s NOTHING that I’ve “got” to do

No “should” will help me carry through

No need to feel I’m stuck in glue.

Just give myself a break!

Take a pause from the constant grind

Nurture your body. Clear your mind.

Tune out the dull cacophony.

Tune in to synchronicity.

It’s all God’s timing.

It’s all God’s plan.

Relax your ego, just be a fan

Of inner guidance, of your Soul’s desires

No longer in these tangled mires

So breathe, my Darling,

Just breathe and breathe

And stop and rest and then conceive

A life of joy

A life of fun

Your next phase, Dear, has just begun.

No more “got to’s.” No more “shoulds”

Just rest and play – feel free and good.

You can do it! It’s the only way. 

To stop the hurting, to save the day.

Just one breath, and then one more

You’ll love to see what’s then in store.

For you, for yours, for the world to share.

Make the time, My Love, for your own SELF care!

10 minutes to a Better Relationship with Compassionate Communication

10 minutes to a Better Relationship with Compassionate Communication

I want to offer you 10 Minutes to a Better Relationship with Compassionate Communication.

Let's go . Take a breath, take a breath, and think about a relationship you'd like to improve.

With whom would you like to improve your relationship?

You can watch this video and learn how to bring your best SELF to your relationship with Compassionate Communication.

Someone that you're married to, someone that you're in a relationship, someone that you work with a child or parent,?

Think about a relationship for just a minute and then see, what are the stories you're telling yourself?

Tell me the stories that you keep repeating. He always does this. She never does that. They're always going to be that way. Just notice that you're telling yourself a lot of stories about yourself and the other person, and then take a look at how you're acting in the relationship right now.

How are you showing up? Are you showing up as your best self and ask yourself how willing are you to change your reactions?



How Compassionate Communication can Help you in just a Few Moments and What is Compassionate Communication

 It's the ability to connect to your highest SELF, let go of your limiting beliefs in judgements, unburdened pain from the past and relate from your heart.

What I find is that many people don't want to get out of the foxholes that they put themselves in.

For instance, you might think that the way you're being right now remind you of a time in the past, when you were younger, your family of origin, or even in this relationship right now,where there was a problem…

… you felt scared

… you felt hurt

… you felt sad

… you felt unloved

… you felt betrayed

Unfortunately we stay down in that foxhole, meaning we have some post-traumatic symptoms that we bring into the present moment. 

When someone is doing something to hurt us, we're not able to state what we're feeling, but instead we go back to feeling what we did when we were under stress or under fire.

I want you to take a deep breath because I want to talk about how to get to self, how to be your best self and what you do when you're in your best self is you have these qualities.

Meditation is one way to get to self.

Unburdening the pain from your past is another way to get to self. When you're in self you're calm, clear, compassionate, curious, connective, creative, confident, courageous, and I've added grateful.

As an Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, they talk about self in parts and in ifs, the self that we're talking about helps you heal.

That's what it's going to do for you to get to self. When you're in self, you can be more calm, clear, and compassionate and bring those qualities back to your relationship.

Now. imagine if you showed up in your current relationship with more calm, clarity, confidence, compassion, take a deep breath.

Just think about it.

What if you could be more compassionate and I know you may have spent a lifetime being compassionate and offering understanding, and you're feeling misunderstood.

Start with being compassionate to yourself, start understanding that yes, you're feeling vulnerable or you're feeling hurt.

You can also send compassion to the other person who may have been doing the best he or she knew how to do up until this time

What you can do is begin to change your story.

Instead of seeing yourself as a victim, see yourself as a hero where you're now able to talk about the parts of you that are sad or hurt or scared or even angry in a way that is more self-lead. You're doing it with more compassion, with more confidence, with more courage, but you're also doing it in a way that's calm and clear.

You're not judging the other person.

You're not critiquing the other person.

You're learning how to speak for your feelings in a way that brings change.

When you start showing up in your highest SELF, the relationship changes.

If one of you is having an argument or you're having an argument, and one of you takes a breath and decides to just bring in some curiosity as to what's happening right now as to how you can change it.

Moving forward, curiosity is an element of self because you're not judging.

You're not blaming.

You're not looking through the filters, that which you judge your partner and you don't have those walls around your heart that keep you from getting more connected.

See if you can bring more self into your relationship.

Sam Keen says, “It's not about finding a perfect person to love. It's learning how to perfectly love another imperfect person.”

Believe that no matter what your relationship looks like now, even if one of you is willing to change your reaction, to become more self led, to be more compassionate, to be more curious, to be more authentically sharing your feelings with courage and not judgment.

That's going to change your relationships because as you let go of your limiting beliefs, as you let go of your judgment of your partner, of your child, of your parents, of your coworker and of yourself.

We judge ourselves for not being strong enough or not making a decision earlier.

If you can let go of your limiting beliefs, you can actually break the chains that are binding you to another person in a negative, energetic situation.

What does that mean?

Everything is energy. When you're showing up with an attitude or a wall or a filter, you affect how you are showing up in your relationships.

The other person sees the wall, sees the judgment and isn't available to connect heart to heart.

If you can unburden the pain from the past, at the same time, you let go of your limiting beliefs…

… you'll find that when you're not carrying the baggage of all the things that happened to you in your past

… you may need to get some counseling for this. Whatever you need to do – clear up your pain from the past.

… let go of the limiting beliefs that are causing you to stay constricted and judgmental and begin to relate from your heart.

When you relate from your heart, you can talk about anything because you're going to talk in a way that's self led – calm, clear and compassionate.

As you relate from your heart, you're going to see new possibilities open up in your relationship.

What you're going to do is begin to get to your best self. And that's what I want to help you do. 

‘ve created a guided meditation to get to self, and it's part of my Compassionate Communication Care Kit.

If you go to www.LindaKroll.com/ccc, you're going to get a care kit that has a Seven Minute Guided Meditation to give you a felt sense of what being in self is about, where you connect to the earth, where you have compassion for yourself, where you separate from the parts of you that are judging or reactive.

You really go to your highest incarnation of the Divine Nature that you are. 

From there, you can relate to the other people in your life.

Then there's a short video talking about how Compassionate Communication helps.

There's also a Relationship Assessment where you can start to observe your current relationship and see where you can make changes now.

There's also a Compassionate Mediation roadmap.

Just to reflect on what we've talked about, you can take 10 minutes right now.

You can think about a relationship you'd like to improve.

You can understand that the story you're telling yourself may not be true. It's just a story you can think about – how you're being in this relationship now and how willing you are to change.

If you're willing to change, you can meditate, journal, go for walks, get some counseling, take good care of yourself so that you have more self-energy to communicate with yourself, with the person with whom you're having conflict.

As you become your best self, let go of your limiting beliefs, unburden the pain from the past and relate from your heart.

You're going to see a whole new possibility open up between you and this other person.

Again, you can listen to the guided meditation to get to self and do it in a way that brings peace and harmony to your heart, to your relationships, to your families, to your community and to the world.

Go, get your Compassionate Communication Care Kit, stay out of the fox holes.

If you need help doing that, let me know, connect with me. I'll show you how.

Remember when you compassionately communicate, you're going to heal all the relationships in your life, starting with the one you have with yourself.

Thanks for listening. We did it in 10 minutes and I look forward to staying connected.

CLICK HERE If you would like to receive a FREE Compassionate Communication CARE KIT!

Join Us

Join Us

I invite you to meet me in the Facebook Group – in the Compassionate Communication Community. 

I take my 35 years of training as an IFS therapist, my training as a Chopra-certified teacher of meditation, yoga, and Ayurveda, and I'm creating a community where we can all meet together and stay connected.

We will have:

  • Facebook Lives on Compassionate Communication and Compassionate Mediation®.

  • Workshops or interviews with other experts to share your expertise with the world and the group.

  • Sharing and networking meetings, where we can get together in our different professions and see what's needed for support and networking and referrals.

  • Tips and tools on how to let Compassionate Communication inform all of our relationships — both our personal and our professional. 

Please go to the Facebook Group –  to the Compassionate Communication Community, and join us!

You'll be part of the fun!

Ask for what you want, contribute what you can.

Let's make it a vibrant community, where we're all connected. 

We can use our creativity, and we can collaborate in ways that bring more compassion to our relationships, to our communities, to our families, to our workplaces and ultimately to the world. 

It's a dream of mine.

Please join me there. 

And I look forward to seeing you soon.

Join Us

Welcome to the Compassionate Communication Community!

Join us in the group on Facebook: Compassionate Communication Community.


Hi, and Welcome to the Compassionate Communication Community.

I'm so glad you decided to sign up for our group, and I'm hoping you're going to find lots of information here that will help you to have a happier life and happier relationships.

I'm going to use all the tools I've acquired as a therapist, mediator, attorney, Chopra-certified teacher of meditation, yoga and Ayurveda — and give you the benefit of my 35 years of counseling experience as an IFS therapist, and what I learned at the Chopra Center.

And I'm also going to funnel tips and tools that I've used to lead a happy life, no matter what.

Whatever is going on in your life right now — whether it's an illness, whether it's a relationship problem, whether it's just wanting to make your life happier, you're going to learn some skills in this group.

We're going to have:

Motivational Monday — that will give you the opportunity to enjoy some motivation for your week.

Transformational Tuesday — where I'm going to talk about Compassionate Communication, how to improve all the relationships in your life, and how to talk to anybody about anything.

Wednesday Wisdom or Workshop — and I'm going to offer a workshop or a special guest

Thursday Trainings – I'm going to talk about.Compassionate Mediation®. If you're a therapist, a mediator and attorney, a coach clergy, counselor, I'm going to give you the tips and tools that I use in my practice that you can use in yours.

Friday Freebies — we're going to post Friday freebies, not just my freebies, but if you have free gifts to offer people.

Saturday Sharing — we're going to have sharing and networking and possibly find a way to get into groups and really support each other, collaborate, refer, and build a community.

Sunday Fun Day –whatever you want to post.

I'm looking forward to making this a very vibrant community where you will find what you need, contribute, what you want, take what is helpful and share in a way that adds value to your life.

And this is all FREE .

I'll do Facebook Lives on Tuesday and Thursday.

I'll send you the links and you can join me there.

Thanks for joining, and please be active.

Send me your questions, write your comments, share your feelings, share who you are.

It really is time for a more compassionate world and we're starting it in our Compassionate Communication Community

Thanks for being part of it. And I'll talk to you soon. Bye for now.

Join us in the group on Facebook: Compassionate Communication Community.

Boundaries

How to Set Boundaries with Your Adult Child
Living with You Now

At this challenging time, relationships are strained to their limits.

Living with others feels like a gift – or a curse – depending on who it is and the day and time of your interactions.

However living with some people can be more frustrating or depleting than living with others. But it doesn’t have to stay that way.

You have your rights to

  • feel respected in your own home.
  •  live peacefully and happily.
  • ask for what you want and need.
  • leave or ask someone else to leave.

You do not have the right or power to change someone else – but you can change yourself, your expectations, your agenda, your judgments, and your reactions.

Step One – 12 steps of Al Anon

Whether your housemate is your spouse, your child, your parent, your significant other, your roommate, or your friend, there are specific ways to relate to each, and different challenges in the types of consequences or outcomes you choose.

This article is going to focus on your adult child living at home.

There are many reasons that you fall into habits of communication that may not always be coming from your best SELF.

  • You may feel frustrated by all the household duties that fall on you.
  • You might be watching your adult child revert back to teenage disrespect and behavior.
  • Your parent may be getting too difficult to care for by yourself.
  • Perhaps your spouse/roommate/significant other is being disrespectful in their tone, attitude, or even being emotionally, verbally or physically abusive.

Go back and read again all your rights.

Now read again out loud.  “I do not have the power to change someone else.”

So now what?

  • First of all, decide what is truly important to you.

    Write it down. Make a list. Add everything you want. You won’t get it all, but rate the preferences and the non-negotiables. You would like your ADD adult child to take out the garbage (which he/she may or may not remember to do), but you can’t stand to watch him/her sleep until 2, not shower, or leave the bathroom a mess.

    You may not care if you’er are the only one emptying the dishwasher or even cleaning up after your adult child, if he/she is living as a competent adult and treating you with the respect you are due.

  • Next, write down what you think needs to happen if the other person is not willing to meet you on the needs that are vital.

    Do you take away his ipod? Do you stop paying for food? Do you stop driving him/her to work? Do they have to move out?

    If it’s your partner, you have many more options to explore, but the important thing to remember is that you don’t have to stay stuck – no matter how vulnerable, powerless or afraid you might feel.

    (3)  Look at your own motives, behaviors, expectations, judgments.

    (4) Recognize your child’s real limitations. Is he/she
  • ADD or ADHD
  • bi-polar
  • an addict
  • oppositional defiant
  • depressed

     Do your research on whatever is relevant, and learn some of the symptomology that goes with each situation. Your child might be doing the best they can do according to the limits of the condition or disease (and yes, addiction is a disease).

But that doesn’t mean you have to LIVE with it all.

Realize that compassion is not capitulation and codependency is not a substitute for appropriate SELF care.

   (5) Talk with your spouse and get on the same page.

   (6) Plan  a time to talk with your child. PLAN:

  • what you will say and who will say it
  • what you want  – what are your must-haves
  • what you are willing to negotiate
  • what is no longer acceptable
  •  a time frame that works for you and is fair
  • to listen and discuss
  • another time to talk
  • how and when you will put your boundaries into place – for real!

How do you set boundaries?

If you are codependent, it’s very difficult.

Are you a Codependent?

  • A Few Symptoms
  • need to fix, save or rescue
  • avoidance of conflict
  • difficulty saying no and setting boundaries
  • people pleasing
  • sacrificing your own needs to care for others….
  • Having an “external locus of control” instead of an “internal one”
  • Perfectionism
  • Difficulty with anger
  • Melanie Beattie books
  • unburden pain from your past
  • don’t make your child’s behavior a referendum on your parenting

    * you didn’t cause it, can’t control it, can’t cure it
    * But you can stop enabling it!

What about your expectations?

  • they are unrealized resentments – premeditated resentments
  • they come from your ego and your needs
  • you don’t know God’s plan and their soul’s plan – so let go and let God.

What are your consequences

  • If you don’t want to live this way, it is not your business where your adult child chooses to live.
  • If you don’t want to give more money, they may have to suffer more and hit their own bottom before they are willing or ready to become an adult.
  • If you don’t want to “live this way anymore,”  they have a right to live where and how they want.

–     and how do you deal with your own guilt/worry/fear/sadness.

  • go to Al Anon
  • get counseling/therapy
  • talk with supportive friends
  • meditate
  • exercise
  • focus on your own life
  • pray

It’s not about someone else respecting my boundaries, it’s about ME respecting my boundaries. The respect and empowerment are on ME.

Five Steps to Receive What You Want and Need

  1. REMEMBER – lose sight of what we want to please other people
  2. DESERVE – know you DESERVE to have your needs met
  3. ASK – When you KNOW and DESERVE, you request, not whine, nag, or give an ultimatum)
  4. RECEIVE – Be willing to RECEIVE.
  5. GRATEFUL – STAY GRATEFUL.

One day at a time…. doing the best you all can do.

"I’ve experienced significant improvements in my relationship with my husband and children."

 Mary

"I learned there could be a Compassionate Divorce."

Paul

“We’re building an entirely new marriage.”

Liz

“Linda guided us mindfully through the impact of divorce."

Gina

“I came to Linda seeking mediated divorce documents and came out with nothing but peace and hope."

Jeremy

“I am breaking free from destructive patterns.”

 Carol

“Linda helped me love all ‘Parts’ of my SELF!”

Deb

“With Linda’s caring guidance, I moved forward with peace and strength.”

Ann

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