As a therapist, mediator and attorney, I see many unhappy individuals and couples longing for the “happily ever after” they had planned. The ones in the most pain are not sure if they want to stay or go.
To many of my clients, the possibility of experiencing a truly happy marriage seems as remote and impossible as sighting that “imaginary creature represented as a white horse with a long horn growing from its forehead.”
A happy marriage is not a mythical or magical experience. It’s the end result of many acts of two people who truly CARE about each other.
You can appreciate that despite your best efforts, from time-to-time you’re going to trigger each other. Or hurt each other. Or scare, sadden or disappoint the other.
The difference between reality and mythology is that the happy marriage doesn’t miraculously appear. In the real world, you can create a happy marriage by learning a few Compassionate Communication skills — including empathy and forgiveness — and applying them liberally and often to your relationship.
What I have learned over the years is that the difference between a happy and an unhappy marriage is that in the HAPPY one, each partner truly CARES.
C – Compassion for themselves and their partner. Compassion is not codependency. It’s a healthy perspective on your own needs as well as your partner’s. It’s knowing the 5 steps to receive what you truly want and need and practicing the miracle of empathy.
A – Acceptance of all the idiosyncrasies that make your partner unique. Acceptance is the ability to love someone for who they are, and not who you need them to be. It is also accepting the humanity and divinity of both of you, knowing we are spiritual beings having a human experience. And marriage can trigger all our human parts.
R – Respect for each other’s individuality. Respect is the ability to see the good traits of your partner and honor those. No one is perfect. As Sam Keen said, ” We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.”
E – Empathy for your feelings, desires and needs. Empathy means you listen, understand, and truly care what your partner feels, and they learn to do the same for you. You drop the walls you've built to protect yourself and the filters through which you have judged each other and truly relate from your heart.
S – Self love that allows each of you to practice healthy self-care. True self-love is the ability to take exquisite care of yourself, no matter the circumstances. You give yourself the attention, affection, appreciation and acceptance you need. Then you share all that love with your partner.
If you're unclear where your relationship is breaking down in this CARES model, I can help.
Bottom line: Unicorns don’t exist, but happy marriages do. You can have one — if you try.
And if you do your best, and CARE as much as possible and it's still not meeting your needs, you can have a Compassionate Divorce®, which isn't a Unicorn either.
Linda Kroll is a therapist, mediator, attorney, Chopra Certified Master Teacher, and author of the bestselling Compassionate Mediation® for Relationships at a Crossroad: How to Add Passion to Your Marriage or Compassion to Your Divorce.
If you're a therapist, coach, mediator, attorney, counselor or clergy, who works with individuals or couples in conflict, I'd like to take a few moments and talk with you about Compassionate Mediation®.
It's more than marriage counseling.
It's more than divorce counseling.
It's a hybrid of both that allows your clients to talk about every issue that they may have to consider if either partner has thought about leaving.
You can provide a process that brings more awareness, compassion, mindfulness, and SELF-energy into those conversations.
I offer you my process of Compassionate Mediation®.
My name is Linda Kroll, and I wrote the book Compassionate Mediation: How to Add Passion to your Marriage or Compassion to your Divorce.
For many years, I have been working with individuals and couples in conflict doing individual counseling, couples counseling, and divorce mediation.
I put together my degrees in counseling, mediation and law, combined with my Chopra-certification as a teacher of meditation, yoga, and Ayurveda, to combine emotional and spiritual healing along with financial and legal information and support.
I want to share this process with you,
I have a Roadmap , LindaKroll.com/Roadmap which provides you with an outline of my process and an introduction as to how to integrate it into yours
The reason I want to share it is that I went through my own long and painful divorce, and it was a typical adversarial one.
I don't want that for you or for your clients or for the world.
I've spent the last 35 years merging IFS – Internal Family Systems therapy – with mediation and law and higher consciousness – and created this process that I want to give to you.
When I say give it to you, that's what I want to do.
I want to certify you – if you'd like to be certified – and give you my templates, my outlines, my scripts, my meditations, my contracts so that you can take this process and use it in your practice now, and then take it with you wherever you want to go in the world with it so that you can add more expertise, more impact, and more income to your life using this process.
If you're a professional – therapist, coach, mediator, attorney or clergy – or if you know one who could use this information –please share it because I'm ready to go.
If you've already got the Roadmap, we'll talk about it and see if this is a fit for you. I'd love to get to know you and see how Compassionate Mediation can enhance your practice now – either in-person or online.
I just need to tell you about someone who recently reached out to me for help.
She called me because her husband wants a divorce and she doesn't. He's taking her to mediation and he's filed and she's all distraught. If you knew how to use Compassionate Mediation, you could help them both navigate this time.
Sometimes talking about an ending – with what it would mean to give up children's custody some of the time and part with your money and divide the household – and at the same time, help them learn how to compassionately communicate,
They can relate from their best SELF, let go of limiting beliefs, unburden pain from the past, and relater from their hearts.
When they do that, they can share empathy with each other in ways that they never have before.
Please join me in the Compassionate Mediation process, the introduction, the certification.
Let me give you the benefit of all my years of experience, both personally and professionally.
I want to invite you to join me, to get a copy of my Roadmap of the Compassionate Mediation process.
If you're a therapist or a coach or mediator, attorney clergy, or anyone who works with individuals or couples in conflict, I would love to share my Compassionate Mediation Program with you.
If you go to LindaKroll.com/Roadmap, I'll send you the outline of my process and the video introduction to tell you how you can integrate it into your practice now.
I'm also for a limited time offering a brief chat so that I can get to know you personally and see how my process could help you expand your impact, your expertise and your income by offering this process to your individual and couples.
I'm a pioneer in the field of marriage counseling and divorce mediation.
I've created a process that merges the two of them. When a couple or an individual thinks they might want to leave their marriage divorce, isn't the only option.
I want to give you the skillset that I've developed as an IFS therapist, a mediator and attorney, I'm also a Chopra certified teacher of meditation, Ayurveda and yoga.
I blend the emotional and spiritual healing along with legal and financial information and support.
I've put it all together in a turn key process – meaning from the very first introduction with a new client or an existing client, you can lead them through a discussion of all the possible issues that they'd have to discuss.
If they were going to separate or divorce, however, you're going to teach them how to Compassionately Communicate.
What that means is you help them get to their best self, let go of their limiting beliefs and judgements, unburden pain from the past and relate from their heart.
When they do that, a new marriage is possible. You teach them how to be their best self, how to create a compassionate relationship with empathy and understanding how to explore their options about every possibility, how to understand their rights and finances and how to truly create the relationship they desire and deserve.
The good news is that for you – you can join me in being a pioneer in this process.
I am looking to help others take everything that I've learned in my 35 years of professional and personal training and give it to you.
There's nothing to sell on these calls. I just want to offer you the benefit of all that I've developed so that you can use it.
Now you'll take one actionable item or more from our chat.
I look to getting to know you. So if you have any questions, go to LindaKroll.com/Roadmap, sign up and I'll get back to you. Then we can connect in real-time so we can help change the face of divorce one heart at a time.
Now that the quarantine is over, many individuals and couples are re-evaluating their marriages.
Many may be wondering, “Should I Stay or Go,” and YOU can be the expert they turn to for ongoing support – which often lasts months, and sometimes years.
I am passionate about helping individuals and couples to compassionately communicate and resolve conflict from their highest and best SELF.
I want to teach other IFS therapists the skills I developed from blending IFS therapy, mediation, law, higher consciousness and mindfulness to use this process of Compassionate Mediation® for your personal and professional growth.
I am inviting you, as part of my hand-picked small group of therapists, to join me in my Compassionate Mediation® Certification program which is starting soon.
Instead of losing clients to other professionals at the thought of a separation or divorce, you can expand your toolkit with my turn-key process that gives you the questions to ask, information to share, and guidance to offer your clients.
Compassionate Mediation® blends emotional and spiritual healing along with legal and financial information and support.
It helps people consider what an ending could look like so they can choose to re-commit to creating a new and better marriage, or a peaceful and respectful separation or divorce.
As you become known as an expert in conflict resolution, you will get more referrals from others, increase your client base and keep your current clients for months – and sometimes years – as they process all the feelings and make all the decisions – necessary to restructure their relationships.
If you are interested in learning more, please schedule a time to chat so that I can answer your questions and see how this process can integrate into your practice now.
Together, we can change the face of divorce, one heart at a time.
I wrote Compassionate Mediation for Relationships at a Crossroads: How to Add Passion to Your Marriage or Compassion to Your Divorce. Dick Schwartz said it is “Relationship healing at its best.” You can access some book excerpts HERE!
P.S. In this ground-breaking process, I will offer hands-on guidance and mentoring with all aspects of your therapy practice.
From cutting-edge tools and techniques to dynamic interviewing tips, from meditations and scripts and templates, along with marketing skills, and from supervision for your most challenging clients to safe and supportive sessions designed to support your own personal development, this program will be a comprehensive haven to nourish you as you nourish others.
I want to offer you 10 Minutes to a Better Relationship with Compassionate Communication.
Let's go . Take a breath, take a breath, and think about a relationship you'd like to improve.
With whom would you like to improve your relationship?
You can watch this video and learn how to bring your best SELF to your relationship with Compassionate Communication.
Someone that you're married to, someone that you're in a relationship, someone that you work with a child or parent,?
Think about a relationship for just a minute and then see, what are the stories you're telling yourself?
Tell me the stories that you keep repeating. He always does this. She never does that. They're always going to be that way. Just notice that you're telling yourself a lot of stories about yourself and the other person, and then take a look at how you're acting in the relationship right now.
How are you showing up? Are you showing up as your best self and ask yourself how willing are you to change your reactions?
How Compassionate Communication can Help you in just a Few Moments and What is Compassionate Communication
It's the ability to connect to your highest SELF, let go of your limiting beliefs in judgements, unburdened pain from the past and relate from your heart.
What I find is that many people don't want to get out of the foxholes that they put themselves in.
For instance, you might think that the way you're being right now remind you of a time in the past, when you were younger, your family of origin, or even in this relationship right now,where there was a problem…
… you felt scared
… you felt hurt
… you felt sad
… you felt unloved
… you felt betrayed
Unfortunately we stay down in that foxhole, meaning we have some post-traumatic symptoms that we bring into the present moment.
When someone is doing something to hurt us, we're not able to state what we're feeling, but instead we go back to feeling what we did when we were under stress or under fire.
I want you to take a deep breath because I want to talk about how to get to self, how to be your best self and what you dowhen you're in your best self is you have these qualities.
Meditation is one way to get to self.
Unburdening the pain from your past is another way to get to self. When you're in self you're calm, clear, compassionate, curious, connective, creative, confident, courageous, and I've added grateful.
As an Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, they talk about self in parts and in ifs, the self that we're talking about helps you heal.
That's what it's going to do for you to get to self. When you're in self, you can be more calm, clear, and compassionate and bring those qualities back to your relationship.
Now. imagine if you showed up in your current relationship with more calm, clarity, confidence, compassion, take a deep breath.
Just think about it.
What if you could be more compassionate and I know you may have spent a lifetime being compassionate and offering understanding, and you're feeling misunderstood.
Start with being compassionate to yourself, start understanding that yes, you're feeling vulnerable or you're feeling hurt.
You can also send compassion to the other person who may have been doing the best he or she knew how to do up until this time
What you can do is begin to change your story.
Instead of seeing yourself as a victim, see yourself as a hero where you're now able to talk about the parts of you that are sad or hurt or scared or even angry in a way that is more self-lead. You're doing it with more compassion, with more confidence, with more courage, but you're also doing it in a way that's calm and clear.
You're not judging the other person.
You're not critiquing the other person.
You're learning how to speak for your feelings in a way that brings change.
When you start showing up in your highest SELF, the relationship changes.
If one of you is having an argument or you're having an argument, and one of you takes a breath and decides to just bring in some curiosity as to what's happening right now as to how you can change it.
Moving forward, curiosity is an element of self because you're not judging.
You're not blaming.
You're not looking through the filters, that which you judge your partner and you don't have those walls around your heart that keep you from getting more connected.
See if you can bring more self into your relationship.
Sam Keen says, “It's not about finding a perfect person to love. It's learning how to perfectly love another imperfect person.”
Believe that no matter what your relationship looks like now, even if one of you is willing to change your reaction, to become more self led, to be more compassionate, to be more curious, to be more authentically sharing your feelings with courage and not judgment.
That's going to change your relationships because as you let go of your limiting beliefs, as you let go of your judgment of your partner, of your child, of your parents, of your coworker and of yourself.
We judge ourselves for not being strong enough or not making a decision earlier.
If you can let go of your limiting beliefs, you can actually break the chains that are binding you to another person in a negative, energetic situation.
What does that mean?
Everything is energy. When you're showing up with an attitude or a wall or a filter, you affect how you are showing up in your relationships.
The other person sees the wall, sees the judgment and isn't available to connect heart to heart.
If you can unburden the pain from the past, at the same time, you let go of your limiting beliefs…
… you'll find that when you're not carrying the baggage of all the things that happened to you in your past
… you may need to get some counseling for this. Whatever you need to do – clear up your pain from the past.
… let go of the limiting beliefs that are causing you to stay constricted and judgmental and begin to relate from your heart.
When you relate from your heart, you can talk about anything because you're going to talk in a way that's self led – calm, clear and compassionate.
As you relate from your heart, you're going to see new possibilities open up in your relationship.
What you're going to do is begin to get to your best self. And that's what I want to help you do.
‘ve created a guided meditation to get to self, and it's part of my Compassionate Communication Care Kit.
If you go to www.LindaKroll.com/ccc, you're going to get a care kit that has a Seven Minute Guided Meditation to give you a felt sense of what being in self is about, where you connect to the earth, where you have compassion for yourself, where you separate from the parts of you that are judging or reactive.
You really go to your highest incarnation of the Divine Nature that you are.
From there, you can relate to the other people in your life.
Then there's a short video talking about how Compassionate Communication helps.
There's also a Relationship Assessment where you can start to observe your current relationship and see where you can make changes now.
Just to reflect on what we've talked about, you can take 10 minutes right now.
You can think about a relationship you'd like to improve.
You can understand that the story you're telling yourself may not be true. It's just a story you can think about – how you're being in this relationship now and how willing you are to change.
If you're willing to change, you can meditate, journal, go for walks, get some counseling, take good care of yourself so that you have more self-energy to communicate with yourself, with the person with whom you're having conflict.
As you become your best self, let go of your limiting beliefs, unburden the pain from the past and relate from your heart.
You're going to see a whole new possibility open up between you and this other person.
Again, you can listen to the guided meditation to get to self and do it in a way that brings peace and harmony to your heart, to your relationships, to your families, to your community and to the world.
Go, get your Compassionate Communication Care Kit, stay out of the fox holes.
If you need help doing that, let me know, connect with me. I'll show you how.
Remember when you compassionately communicate, you're going to heal all the relationships in your life, starting with the one you have with yourself.
Thanks for listening. We did it in 10 minutes and I look forward to staying connected.