if you are a therapist, a mediator, an attorney, a coach, or a member of the clergy, spiritual counselor, relationship counselor, or if you're someone who wants to learn it for yourself, I would love to share the gifts of Compassionate Mediation so that you can use them in your practice now.
I would love to offer you some of the tools that I've used with thousands of individuals and couples over the last 25 years as they've healed and transformed their relationship.
If you're a therapist, I want you to have this training so that you can lead them when they are faced with conflict and they don't have to go to a mediator or an attorney just to get a divorce, they can talk about their problems, every issue that divides them, and you can help them every step along the way.
If you're a mediator, I want to teach you this skill because it brings more empathy and compassion into the mediation sessions, which leads to a more peaceful and quicker resolution because they don't spend a lot of time fighting with each other, they learn to understand each other.
If you're an attorney who's tired of the litigation process, I want to help you help your clients participate in a way where they don't feel like a victim or an aggressor and there's a win-win for everybody.
If you're a relationship coach, I want to give you the tools, the words, the techniques, so that you can help individuals or couples move forward in a way that brings more peace to their relationship.
For all spiritual counselors, there's as much love that went into beginning a relationship that can be used to heal and transform it, even if the end is going to be a separation or a divorce.
I have a program ready to go to help anyone that needs that information, but why I'm reaching out to you, another heart-centered professional, is to help you learn how to deliver the program to the people that you know — because together we can help change the face of divorce one heart at a time.
Please join me for my next FACEBOOK LIVE in Compassionate Mediation Training.
I'd like to put your name on my website as a referral because I hope together we can share this message with the world.
I believe, “Families need not be broken, but can be peacefully and respectfully restructured. ”
When you learn Compassionate Mediation, you can help your clients communicate with compassion.
You help them form a compassionate relationship, and many times that's what they need to start a whole new marriage together.
If they do decide to separate or divorce, Compassionate Mediation is a turnkey program that I can give you to share with your clients now, so please learn more.
All those Parts of me that want to be in control, do it myself, know the right path, have it all figured out, need to know, are afraid to trust, tell me how great I am, tell me how flawed I am, remind me of all the “what if’s, could be’s —and the worst – all those “shoulds.”
All those Parts of me are exhausted, depleted, hopeless, depressed, enervated, bored, unhappy, frustrated, self-pitying, self-aggrandizing, judgmental, blaming, guilty, ashamed, and ready to walk away from everything I’ve created and wanted to offer all of my life.
Uncle. i give up.
But the “i” that is giving up is that little “i,” that “individual “i”, that small self of my ego – finally ready to SURRENDER to the strength of my SOUL.
I’m ready to take on my role as the Channel— which we all are — and release my Ego’s siren’s calls and quiet my mind enough to hear the quiet whispers of my heart’s true desires.
I want to release the cacophony and flow into the peace.
Then I want to do the next right action that brings me joy.
Uncle, I surrender.
Uncle, Here I am (Hineini)
As Rosh Hashana approaches, HERE I AM, Dearest God, asking for forgiveness and willing to listen and respond to what I hear from YOU.
God’s will be done.
I am but the Paint Brush waiting to be used by YOU.
TGKOW/TYDGA
January 9, 2006
The Patient Brush
There once was a brush, all bristly and new
Who wondered about all the things she would do.
She’d paint the skies red. She’d color seas green.
She’d become the best brush that had ever been seen.
She flittered about in a flash and a flurry
And wherever she’d go, she’d rush in a hurry.
So much to do. So much to create.
She could never sit still, and just dry up and wait.
She saw other brushes that made her feel small.
She tried even harder to out-paint them all.
Her bristles got matted. Her handle got rusty.
Her pictures were blurry. Her ideas got musty.
With nowhere to turn and no end in sight.
She frantically busied to make things feel right.
And one day she saw in the bunch an old brush,
Who patiently waited, with no need to rush.
That brush did not care, as it stayed very still.
It had no agenda, no worries, no will.
It just rested and waited, as it seemed to just know
That its purpose was clear when the right time would show.
The Old Brush was present, the Old Brush was clean.
The Old brush was quiet, and almost serene.
The hand of The Painter then slowly descended,
And picked up the Old Brush, with a purpose transcendent.
As the Painter took over, the Old Brush just flew
Creating a masterpiece again and anew.
And the harried brush pondered, feeling lost and depleted,
If it could get quiet would it ever be needed.
It decided to slow down. It got very still.
It surrendered its ego. It gave up its will.
And The Painter could find it when its bristles were needed.
For it had its own purpose when its ego receded.
The Painter could use it to create works anew.
All of which were beyond what that lone brush could do.
So as you scurry and scamper to get through the day.
Can The Painter now find you? Do you get in your way?
If you get still and quiet, when the timing is right,
The Painter can lead you, with no effort or fright.
You will sail through your day with grace, joy and ease.
Which brush are you? Be the patient one please.
For you’ll find we’re all brushes, and each one is great.
I wanted to speak a little more about the question about divorce mediation and Compassionate Mediation® and marriage counseling.
Someone wrote in this question to seek clarification about the dual roles: therapist versus divorce mediator.
She's “confused by the boundaries, having had a discussion with a divorce mediator trainer who says that the ethical responsibility is not to be in a dual role. Yet she's also read where this is the case. Does this vary from state to state? What are the ethical parameters, please? And could divorce mediators who are doing therapy get reimbursed through insurance? If so, for what part of the work. Her understanding that my training program will not certify you as divorce mediator providers”.
I want to answer all those questions.
Compassionate Mediation does not certify you to be a divorce mediator. It is a skillset that you can use in your practice to help people resolve conflict with more consciousness and compassion.
Therefore you can bill for it as you would for any other skill set that you have.
If you're a therapist, just because you offer some information about what the legal options might be as you help your clients process the feelings and decisions that need to be made, then what you're doing is giving them tools to have conversations that they need to have for their future relationship.
You get divorce mediator training either by taking it from a private party, by going to your state Mediation Council, many colleges or universities have 40 hour trainings in divorce mediation. And that's the specific certification. It's a good idea to add to your repertoire, if you can have five days to give it, and it's a great skill set to have.
However, even if you're not trained as a divorce mediator, the skillset, the tools of Compassionate Mediation will help with all of your clients — with individuals, with couples, with families.
It gives you a framework for helping them learn how to compassionately communicate, create compassionate relationships, explore their options for change, understand their rights and finances, and create the relationships they truly desire and deserve.
You can charge your clients as you would normally bill. You're not holding yourself out as a divorce mediator if you haven’t had the training.
I'm hoping that someday individuals, couples, families, clergy, attorneys, mediators, therapists, coaches, will all have a skillset in Compassionate Mediation, where people can add passion back to their marriage or compassion to their divorce.…and that together we've helped people change the way they resolve conflict and certainly changed the face of divorce one heart at a time.
So let's get to all those hearts.
Let's learn Compassionate Mediation.
Charge as you would for your own practice. And if you're a therapist and you're reimbursed for your practice, then you have this skill set.
And hopefully people will be looking for you in your state, in the world, and you'll have what you need to give them this information.
I hope that answers your question and I'll see you again soon. Bye for now.
(This video was from my LIVE Question and Answer Session from the last Tools for Your Practice Now Course….)
QUESTION FROM live session for Compassionate Mediation Tools for Your Practice Now.
And the first question is, how does Compassionate Mediation differ from traditional Divorce Mediation?
Linda had asked whether Compassionate Mediation® create a dual program, and she said in some states they frowned upon doing mediation and therapy.
I want to speak directly to this.
Up until now, there has been nothing like Compassionate Mediation!
If an individual or a couple wanted to get divorced, they would hire an attorney, they would hire collaborative attorneys, they would go to divorce mediation, and they would get divorced.
If they wanted to go to marriage counseling, they'd find a therapist, or a counselor, or a clergy, and get some counseling.
And I found that after doing 30 years of working with individuals and couples, it's often not that clear cut. Because people have “parts” that are ambivalent about what they want to do.
Even when they're in marriage counseling, one or both members of the couple may have thought about leaving. But unless you address it, it just kind of is an exiled feeling that never gets noticed. And with that, the person that's harbored that thought can't fully be present, because they're still considering “what would it be like if I ended this relationship?”
And when people get divorced, there are still times when they're wondering if it's the right thing to do. It's not always a linear process. There's a lot of regret, or remorse, of what ifs. But by then, it's usually too late because the lawyers are involved, the process is started, everyone's been told, and it carries out the trajectory in the direction of marital dissolution.
So when you have marriage counseling and you have divorce mediation, they are two different skill sets. Compassionate Mediation merges them together.
And what that means is, it's a process for resolving conflict and it uses the therapeutic skills of IFS, Internal Family Systems, the spiritual growth lessons I learned at the Chopra Center. It also includes information about what a separation or divorce would look like.
Because then in the context of Compassionate Mediation, the couple can talk about it all.
They don't have to pretend they have this part that hasn't thought of leaving, and they don't have to pretend in divorce that they don't have a part that wishes they could stay together.
Compassionate Mediation empowers you to empower your clients to talk about everything. And they truly can even though they've thought of divorce.
Your clients will learn how to connect to their best self, let go of the limiting beliefs and judgments they took on with each other, unburden the pain from the past, and relate from their heart.
And then when you teach them the Miracle of Empathy — where they use” I messages” and talk about their exiled feelings, not their judgment.
When they do that, they can create a whole new relationship, and they often do — and you've facilitated it.
And I've often said, if we could just spare our children from the shrapnel of our animosity, there'd be a lot more happy families.
Compassionate Mediation teaches Compassionate Communication and fosters compassionate relationships with empathy.
I give you the information that you can give your clients as to what all their different options are. I also give you the information to help you explain to them how to understand their rights and finances.
And then you help them talk about everything and create whatever relationship is going to be in the highest good moving forward.
So Compassionate Mediation® is a hybrid.
I use the term Compassionate Mediation, but perhaps I should have used conscious compassionate conflict resolution.
Certification in Compassionate Mediation®
The certification that I'm offering is actually in Compassionate Mediation Coaching. So you don't have to worry about the HIPAA laws or whether you're an attorney, or a coach, or a clergy, or mediator.
Compassionate Mediation is a skillset.
It's a box of tools that you can use as needed, but it's also a whole process that I've outlined on the FREE Roadmap at www.LindaKroll.com/Roadmap.
The whole process of what we talk about in each session is outlined for you. I give you that tool plus my other tools in the Compassionate Mediation Tools for Your Practice.
And then I'd like to give you my whole process. I'd like to teach you everything that I do so that you can use it in your practice and take it wherever you want in the world.
So I hope that answers your question.
Compassionate Mediation is a new paradigm of conflict resolution.
When Dick Schwartz first founded Internal Family Systems over 30 years ago, I remembered seeing him in a room with a few people, not knowing that 30 years later it was going to be a worldwide phenomenon, started by Dick, many, many years ago.
And I've always been at awe of how much work he put in, his dedication, his passion, and how he made all of this come to fruition, along with the other people at the IFS Institute who helped him along the way.
I want to give this to you so that you can share it with your clients.
As a therapist, coach, mediator, attorney, counselor or clergy, we are called upon to help individuals and couples, affected by the quarantine, who could use new skills to resolve conflict. And that is what we do with Compassionate Mediation. We help each party understand the suffering of the other – so that mutual empathy can heal and transform the relationship.
Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh a global spiritual leader offering advice on helping people resolve conflict. Here is what he said:
“To reconcile conflicting parties, we must have the ability to understand the suffering of both sides.
If we take sides, it is impossible to do the work of reconciliation. And humans want to take sides. That is why the situation gets worse and worse.
Are there people who are still available to both sides? They need not do much.
They need only do one thing, go to one side and tell all about the suffering endured by the other side, and go to the other side and tell all about the suffering endured by this side.
That is our chance for peace. That can change the situation.”
And that is what we do with Compassionate Mediation.
We give each party — or if you're working with an individual, give the individual — a chance to come from their highest SELF, let go of their limiting beliefs, unburden pain from the past, and relate from their heart.
And then when they relate from their heart, they can talk about their feelings that they've exiled — the hurt, the sadness, the fear — and their partner can listen to that.Their partner can't listen to the judgments, the “you” messages — “You always do this…. You never do that…“
Unfortunately, and especially now with all the quarantine, a lot of people are getting into some very bad habits of communicating. Maybe they're fighting more.Maybe they're distancing more. Maybe they're doing the dance of fighting and distancing.
Now more than ever, the skill of Compassionate Mediation can be something that you can use with your current clients or future clients to teach them a new way to communicate. Compassionate Mediation starts with compassionate communication.
How Does Compassionate Mediation Training differ from other trainings?
The Compassionate Mediation Tools course is my introductory course. It's four and a half hours, and it's something that I wanted to offer so that you get a general feel for the kinds of tools that I teach in the process.
Starting this fall, I'm going to have a certification process. And that certification process is going to take you from the very beginning of working with an individual or couple to all of the different tributaries that they can go into — creating a new marriage, deciding on a separation, deciding if they want to get divorced — and giving you the scripts that I used to have all those dialogues.
For instance, in the Compassionate Mediation Tools, in lesson one and lesson two, you actually get the script I use to introduce IFS (Internal Family Systems therapy) Self and Parts. You get the script I use to talk about empathy and how I share that with people.
In the third session, we talk about the legal and financial.
I know that's just the tip of the iceberg. There's so much more to talk about. And what I do in this certification process is I give you the information you need to stay one step ahead of your clients, or many steps ahead of your clients.
But you don't need to know the law. You don't need to be a financial planner.
You will have a basic understanding of important information that you can bring up and share with your clients whenever they bring up a subject – about money, parenting, the decisions to be made individually and together.
You're trained in therapy or coaching or helping them, what you're going to be able to do is talk about the content of any issue relevant to their future.
You can offer information about CONTENT and then PROCESS FEELINGS.
If you're talking about Property Division or Child Support or Maintenance – you’ll have the tools and skill set to feel confident offering basic information.
What you need to do is talk about the feelings that come up around these subjects.
And far too often we'll be counseling someone and they'll decide they're thinking of a divorce, and they want to go to a mediator or they want to hire an attorney. I mention to anyone thinking of the divorce that mediation is always the best way to go, whether it's Compassionate Mediation or any other mediation, because it gives them a chance to speak with each other.
Compassionate Mediation is an opportunity for healing and a new and better relationship together.
In Compassionate Mediation, we're teaching our clients a way to be more SELF-led, to compassionately communicate, to learn how to empathize, and then to talk about all the different options they have.
Another thing we're doing in Compassionate Mediation is we're taking them off the ledge.
And if you know what I mean, it's when an individual or a couple comes into your office and they think they have to act now. They think they have to jump. They've reached the end of their rope. They're so tired of the same old, same old that they need to make a decision and they need to make it fast. (Deep breath here.)
The important thing is not what they decide, but are they deciding from their highest and best self?
If your clients are not “in SELF”, they are just reacting. They're reacting to their own parts. They're reacting to their partner's parts.
Especially now with COVID, there might be a lot of people who are fighting all the time.
So when Thich Nhat Hanh is talking, he wants us to help the people not get stuck in what their two extreme angry parts may be saying to each other.
We begin to recognize that both members of the couple are trying to cope as best they can — to be cool or to work too hard or do whatever they can to manage their feelings.
But inside there is an inner child in each of them who is scared, who is sad, who is hurt, who is angry — and helping them learn how to speak for those parts is what we do.
Compassionate Mediation is a space to talk about EVERYTHING.
If either one or both parties has thought about a separation or divorce — which often happens in a relationship and often happens in marriage counseling — it is sometimes difficult to discuss.
In marriage counseling, many people don't bring it the parts that have considered leaving because they think that if they're in marriage counseling, all they're there to do is to make the marriage better.
And unfortunately, one or both of them may have already be considering what would it be like to separate? What would it be like to find somebody new? What would it be like to get out of this union?
But because they're exiling that part of themselves, they're only showing up with a part that's trying to be invested in counseling, but they're not fully invested in counseling because they're not talking about the part that's thought about leaving.
So what we do in Compassionate Mediation is we make it safe for all parts to come in, the parts that are scared, the parts that are worried, the parts that are angry, the parts that feel betrayed, and the parts that think, I might want to end this.
What would that look like? And that's why in one of the modules, I talk about how you talk to the initiator and how you talk to the non-initiator.
Talking with the One who wants to STAY and the One who may want to LEAVE.
The initiator is the party in the couple, the one member of the couple, that really would like to separate or divorce. And I tell that person that if they don't process some of the feelings that led to their desire to leave, their partner is not going to be part of this process.
Their partner is going to pull out. So then they'd be left with having to hire an attorney, file for divorce, their partner would have to file a response a year or two later, thousands of dollars later, maybe they'll get divorced. So I tell the initiator, take the time to learn how to communicate, to process the feelings that got you here.
And I tell the non-initiator, the person that doesn't want to think about a divorce, doesn't want to think about a separation, is totally obsessed with staying together, that if they don't open their mind to consider the possibility of leaving, the partner that wants to separate or divorce isn't going to stay in this process, because it's going to feel too much like marriage counseling.
So they have to meet in the middle where the person who wants out talks about feelings, the person that wants to stay talks about what would it look like if I left, and you hold the space for that whole conversation.
You will help clients talk about everything – money and all subjects.
And whatever topic they bring up, if they bring up money and how money is divided between the two of them, that's a subject that could go on for weeks or months.
Because when you talk about money, you have to talk about all the parts that are triggered about that conversation. You can talk about the legacy burdens that each of them brought into the relationship, about the roles and responsibilities. You can talk about their limiting beliefs or the way they've managed or the parts they've exiled.
And at the same time, you will know enough to give them feedback about how to talk about money.
You can acquire the tools to help your clients talk about all their issues and resolve them from their best SELF for the highest good for all concerned.
You can also increase you income, expertise, and impact as you offer this new paradigm of conflict resolution and relationship healing.
Not long ago I was facing the possibility of ending my marriage. I vacillated for years, thinking that my indecision was benefiting my children because our family was still “intact.”
I didn’t have the tools to effectively communicate all that I truly wanted and needed. My husband and I did our best, but when we finally made our decision, we gave in to some of the typical adversarial divorce processes – court, attorneys, hurt, anger, sadness, pain.
Our daughters watched the proceedings, trying not to take sides and feeling caught in the middle. Their sorrow from the reflected sadness and anger of each of us definitely impacted them, and probably still does. The process went on for years, and we all suffered.
One day, as I sat in the courtroom with the man I once loved enough to promise to love forever.
I realized there had to be a better way to get divorced – or a better way to create a new and better marriage.
What I quickly discovered is working with couples is that people often give up too soon. They don’t know how to communicate with compassion and confidence, and they throw in the towel because it seems easier than staying and facing all the issues that divide them.
It’s hard work to get divorced, and the effects of it linger for lifetimes. It’s often a time of personal reflection and can be a time for spiritual growth. I’ve realized that if an individual or couple is willing to put as much energy in their own personal transformation before they get divorced, there would be many more happy intact families.
If even one member of a couple is willing to bring their higher self into their relationship, let go of the judgments they have formed about the other, heal the pain from the past, and relate from their heart, miracles happen.
They could talk about all the issues that cause conflict or pain and create a new relationship together – whether they decide to stay or go. I was able to help my clients avoid the pain and suffering my family had endured.
I put together all the education I had acquired…
As a therapist, mediator, attorney, teacher of meditation, yoga and Ayurveda, I created a process to help couples resolve conflict with higher consciousness and empathy.
I have worked one on one with clients for decades, and decided I wanted to create a program that could help people all over the world. My online course is ready now for the pubic, and I hope that you will join me in providing this process in your community.
I offer you all the information, guidance, and support I have created for my clients. You will have audios, videos, workbooks, templates, scripts and bonus materials that will provide a roadmap to lead you effortlessly in this process..
I’ll teach you the same program I’ve used to help hundreds of individuals and couples for over twenty-five years.
Imagine that in a short amount of time,
you will be able to learn all that you need to offer this system
to all your current and future clients.
If you are a therapist, mediator, attorney, coach or member of the clergy, this training is for you.
As an attorney, I didn’t like the whole adversarial process where there was a Pyrrhic victory at best – one major winner versus a major loser, with children always suffering, not matter the outcome.
As a mediator, I was frustrated watching warring couples continue their battles in my office without a meaningful way to intervene.
As a therapist, whose father was a manic-depressive who yelled a lot, I had trouble staying “in SELF” with angry clients, who reminded me of my dad and made me cower inside like a little girl, no matter how professional I tried to act.
I coached hundreds of individuals and clients to be more compassionate with themselves and each other, and gave workshops on letting go and moving on, even as I pushed myself to do more, and stayed separated for 9 years before my own divorce.
In all that time, I knew there had to be a better way to communicate and to heal relationships before, during and even after a divorce.
I have learned and practiced Internal Family Systems Therapy for almost 30 years. I was honored to learn from its founder, Richard Schwartz, Phd.
In his review of my book, Compassionate Mediation® for Relationships at a Crossroads: How to Add Passion to Your Marriage or Compassion to Your Divorce, Dick wrote: “Linda Kroll is a master at lifting couples out of their narrow protective perspective. They then learn the larger lessons from their relationships and proceed based on the best interests of all involved. This is relationship healing at its best.”
I also spent five years at the Chopra Center in California, where I studied with Deepak Chopra, David Simon, davidji, and Claire Diab, to become one of Chopra Center University’s 350 Master Teachers in the world.
I merged my legal training, mediation certification, IFS therapy, and spirituality to create the Compassionate Mediation® Process, which I would love to teach you so that together we can help change the face of divorce – one heart at a time.
