(I wrote this in the form of a prayer and gave to to my husband and our attorneys on the day we were in court to finalize our divorce after 30 years of marriage. It set the tone for the future I hoped to share, and I offer it to you to help with the healing yet to come.)
I intend to have a peaceful and respectful settlement meeting, in which all parties come together from their Highest Selves and their own inner guidance and wisdom.
I intend that the parts of ourselves that are angry, fearful, defensive, revengeful, retributive, punitive, unloving, unforgiving, sad, young, abandoned, resentful, negative, hurting and hurtful – that all these parts be quelled with the leadership of the Self, coming from a place of trust in my own presence and light.
I intend to show compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. Although our marriage has come down to a business closing of money and asset division, I intend that we remember the love that brought us together, and the wonderful children which our union has borne. For their sakes as well as our own, we wish to put an end to this process in as respectful and loving a way as possible.
Although we each carry our sadness and pain and mutual regrets, I intend that we can look beyond this difficult period to a time when we can be friends and coexist peacefully. I intend that our once intact family can be rearranged to two intact and loving homes, where our children feel connected and comfortable. I intend that we can hold in a different light the love that once joined us forever; that on the deepest level we wish each other well as we let go.
For the sake of all we once had, and for all we had planned to share together, let us now finalize the terms of our marital dissolution so that we are both free to get on with our lives.
Let us complete this last painful task with a sense of trust in the love we once shared and hopefully can remember after this part is over. Let us not work from purely simple and self-serving motives, but keep in mind the general welfare of each other and our children. Let us request our attorneys to contribute what is needed for the mutual benefit of all concerned.
In the end, let us know that we behaved civilly, that we can look back with a clear conscience, and that as much as we could, we came from our hearts.
I intend to have a peaceful and respectful settlement meeting, in which all parties come together from their Highest Selves and their own inner guidance and wisdom.
I intend that the parts of ourselves that are angry, fearful, defensive, revengeful, retributive, punitive, unloving, unforgiving, sad, young, abandoned, resentful, negative, hurting and hurtful – that all these parts be quelled with the leadership of the Self, coming from a place of trust in my ownpresence and light.
I intend to show compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. Although our marriage has come down to a business closing of money and asset division, I intend that we remember the love that brought us together, and the wonderful children which our union has borne. For their sakes as well as our own, we wish to put an end to this process in as respectful and loving a way as possible.
Although we each carry our sadness and pain and mutual regrets, I intend that we can look beyond this difficult period to a time when we can be friends and coexist peacefully. I intendthat our once intact family can be rearranged to two intact and loving homes, where our children feel connected and comfortable. I intend that we can hold in a different light the love that once joined us forever; that on the deepest level we wish each other well as we let go.
For the sake of all we once had, and for all we had planned to share together, let us now finalize the terms of our marital dissolution so that we are both free to get on with our lives.
Let us complete this last painful task with a sense of trust in the love we once shared and hopefully can remember after this part is over.
Let us not work from purely simple and self-serving motives, but keep in mind the general welfare of each other and our children.
Let us request our attorneys to contribute what is needed for the mutual benefit of all concerned.
In the end, let us know that we behaved civilly, that we can look back with a clear conscience, and that as much as we could, we came from our hearts.
If, after this challenging year and quarantine, you’re not sure what you want to do about your relationship, then this blog post is for you.
Many years ago, I was facing a similar crossroads.
There wasn’t a pandemic, but my world did turn upside down…
I faced the possibility that my twenty-year marriage to my beloved college sweetheart might be headed towards “irreconcilable differences.”
I Wanted to Save My Marriage.
I finally convinced my husband to go to marriage counseling, but the counselor was not very helpful… and our issues persisted.
Perhaps we had each thought about leaving, but we didn’t want to talk about THAT, because we thought the counseling would be over and we would have to find attorneys.
So we didn’t talk about that “elephant in the room.”
And we went back to carrying on and making do and neither one of us was really happy…
After a very long period of parallel living, or loud confrontations, or days of silence, we decided to separate….
I hoped that the distance would help us both realize how much we loved each other and would then fight to rebuild our marriage.
But that wasn’t what happened.
We had not learned how to communicate, so we got further apart.
At first, we went through the motions of co-parenting our two young daughters.
We came up with our own schedule of having them live with me with his seeing them as often as he wanted, and sleepovers at his place when schedules allowed.
We kept our finances joint.
We even did some outings as a family.
Sometimes we looked like an example of a respectful separation…
But deep down, my heart was breaking as I saw our marriage slipping away and my family been torn apart.
I Stayed “Stuck” for Years
Although I was a licensed attorney, nothing prepared me for living a separation.
I went to counseling on my own, and I even became a certified mediator to learn how to navigate the situation.
I thought I was doing a good thing by keeping my family “together” – even though we were living apart…
I thought with time, we could resolve our differences and still find our way back to each other..
I was afraid of being alone, losing our financial security, dating again, and living without the man I had promised to love forever.
I stayed in limbo… not wanting to upset the situation.
I stayed in delusion… thinking that just because we were each dating other people, those relationships could end…
I stayed in denial...not wanting to admit the obvious.
But the distance continued, and we stayed separated until…
We Finally Agreed to Get Divorced.
First I filed, then he filed in a different venue, then we delayed it for years for various reasons, and stayed separated and in the divorcing process for almost a decade!
My sleep and health suffered…
My sleep diminished…
And my smile hid the deep sadness in my heart.
Eventually we started dating other people and leading separate lives.
I then went back to school to get my Masters in Counseling and I become a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor.
It was my third professional degree and the one that most resonated with my heart.
And I think during all that time, a Part of me was hoping that we could learn a better way to communicate (or wave a Magic Wand) and keep our family intact and grow old together happily.
But that didn’t happen.
He reconnected with a lovely old friend from high school with whom he started living and later became his wife.
I dated in some long term relationships, and a part of me STILL hoped for that fairy tale ending.
Finally I faced the fact that we were truly getting divorced, and I had to prepare myself as best I could.
I hired an attorney, and so did he.
He eventually hired three different attorneys … and we spent years in and out of court.
Our legal bills mounted.
Our communication deteriorated,
And the devastation of the typical adversarial divorce process was affecting our children, our families and our friends.
But the road we were on felt like it was leading to disaster – financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
One day, as we were sitting in the courtroom while our attorneys were back in the judge’s office discussing our futures (without us present), I knew there had to be a better way.
There HAD to be a better way to get divorced!
Shortly after that I met Dick Schwartz when he was first sharing Internal Family Systems
…. and what it meant to be “in SELF.”
And my process of Compassionate Mediation® was created.
Compassionate Mediation was merging all my degrees – as a therapist, mediator and attorney,… and later a Chopra -certifide teacher of meditation, yoga and Ayurveda…
and helping my individual and couples clients to add passion to their marriage or compassion to their divorce.
And for the next 30 years, I helped thousands of individuals and couples to heal and transform their relationships – no matter what form it took in the future.
I offered them the emotional and spiritual healing and legal and financial information and support that I had wished someone could have given me.
However, just because I created the process, it didn’t mean my estranged husband believed in it.
So I had to practice it alone….and it still helped our situation to eventually resolve in the highest good for all concerned…
I wrote a Prayer the night before the date of our final dissolution, and I gave it to my soon-to-be ex-husband and our lawyers..
And even though our marriage finally ended with as much SELF-leadership as possible…
It was still ten years later…
Hundreds of thousands of fees…
And deep wounds on both sides.
I Want to Help You Avoid the Pain My Family Suffered
The night before I was to be in court to finalize my divorce after a very long separation, I was moved to convert my sadness, hurt and anger into hope for a new beginning.
I wrote a prayer.
When I arrived at the courtroom, I gave a copy to my formerly beloved (and soon to be ex) husband and to his attorney. I hoped to end our marriage in a way that would set the tone for a peaceful and respectful co-creation of our future restructured family.
I wanted us to always be able to Compassionately Communicate — to connect our highest and best SELF, let go of all the limiting (and judgmental) beliefs we held, unburden pain from the past, and relate from our hearts.
I hoped we could protect our children from the shrapnel of any more animosity or conflict.
I offered it as my prayer, and for some, it can be an intention. It was my heartfelt request for a future of respectful co-parenting, genuine friendship and Compassionate Communication.
I hope others can set the same intention or recite the same prayer.
My Prayer for a Peaceful Parting
I pray for a peaceful and respectful settlement meeting, in which all parties come together from their Highest Selves and their truest connection to Your guidance, wisdom and love.
I pray that the parts of ourselves that are angry, fearful, defensive, revengeful, retributive, punitive, unloving, unforgiving, sad, young, abandoned, resentful, negative, hurting and hurtful – that all these parts be quelled with the leadership of the Self, coming from a place of trust in Your presence and light.
I pray for compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. Although our marriage has come down to a business closing of money and asset division, I ask that we remember the love that brought us together, and the wonderful children, which our union has borne. For their sakes as well as our own, we wish to put an end to this process in as respectful and loving a way as possible.
Although we each carry our sadness and pain and mutual regrets, I pray that we can look beyond this difficult period to a time when we can be friends and coexist peacefully. I pray that our once intact family can be rearranged to two intact and loving homes, where our children feel connected and comfortable. I pray that we can hold in a different light the love that once joined us forever; that on the deepest level we wish each other well as we let go and let G-d direct our lives.
For the sake of all we once had, and for all we had planned to share together, let us now finalize the terms of our marital dissolution so that we are both free to get on with our lives.
Let us complete this last painful task with a sense of trust in the love we once shared and hopefully can remember after this part is over.
Let us not work from purely simple and self-serving motives, but keep in mind the general welfare of each of us, and our children.
Let us request our attorneys to contribute what is needed for the mutual benefit of all concerned.
In the end, let us know that we behaved civilly, that we can look back with a clear conscience, and that as much as we could, we came from our hearts. G-d bless us and direct us all. Amen.
His lawyer looked it over, and jokingly asked him, “Are there any changes you want to make in this document?”
We all laughed —sometimes through our tears – which is kind of like life
Even in the heartache, there can come healing and hope.
Hi, it's Linda Kroll. I want to thank Dick Schwartz and the whole IFS Institute for allowing me to share my process of Compassionate Mediation® with you.
I was overwhelmed and honored by the number of you who opted in for the Roadmap and also signed up for the three-session course that's coming soon. I want to give you some more hints about the Roadmap.
The Roadmap is an overview of the Compassionate Mediation process.
I want you to be able to use whatever tools that I have in there for you to use with your clients now. On the list of the outline of the Roadmap:
there's the genogram
Five Steps to Receive What You Want and Need
the Miracle of Empathy
how to talk to your children,
how to fill out a budget form.
All of those are for you to use with your clients now, who want to know what to do next with their relationship.
Now, more than ever, relationships are strained to the limit. If people went into quarantine not knowing what they wanted to do, they may be even more confused now, and they're going to be needing your help and guidance.
What you can do with Compassionate Mediation is integrate the tools I'm offering you into your practice now and begin to your clients to relate from their highest self, create a compassionate relationship, explore their options, understand their rights and finances, and truly create the relationship they desire and deserve.
I want to give you the tools that I've used for over 30 years as an IFS therapist, mediator and attorney, a Chopra Certified teacher of meditation, yoga and Ayurveda.
I've blended the emotional and spiritual healing along with legal and financial information.
I find that if I can give that to you, you can help your clients have these very challenging conversations, but have them from SELF. They can have them from a place where they're clear, they're calm, they're connected, and they're compassionate with everything they're feeling, but also compassionate with what their partner feels.
Miracles can occur, because once they become SELF-led — and they even talk about a part that's thinking whether they should stay or go — it leads to a whole deeper level of intimacy that you can help them navigate.
I want to share with you the tools that I've developed all these years and I've offered them at workshops and now I found a way to offer them online.
I'm also including my Settlement Prayer that I gave to my husband the night before we got divorced. I actually brought it to the courtroom, I gave it to him and his attorney. His attorney looked at it and said, “Hey, Pete. Any changes you want to make on this?” but we left it alone.
It's the Settlement Prayer that invites us to come from our highest and best self, that invites us to acknowledge the pain, the sadness, the fear, the anger, but still rise above it, and for the sake the love we once shared and the future that we can create together to do it from our highest and best self.
I'm sending you the prayer or the intention. I have many more tools to share with you.
I hope you join me in my upcoming live three-session course, Compassionate Mediation Tools For Your Practice Now, so that I can share with you the benefit of the wisdom that Dick Schwartz and the IFS colleagues have given me, plus all the other education I've acquired and put it into one program to hand to you.
The Compassionate Mediation Program Tools For Your Practice Now starts soon, please sign up and join me. In the meantime, enjoy the Roadmap, enjoy the other tools I'll be sending. I look forward to staying connected. Thanks again for your interest and I'll talk to you soon.
(I wrote this the night before I went to court for the final dissolution of our marriage. I gave it to my husband and our lawyers to ask that we all work together from the highest SELF in each of us.)
I pray for a peaceful and respectful settlement meeting, in which all parties come together from their Highest Selves and their truest connection to Your guidance, wisdom and love.
I pray that the parts of ourselves that are angry, fearful, defensive, revengeful, retributive, punitive, unloving, unforgiving, sad, young, abandoned, resentful, negative, hurting and hurtful – that all these parts be quelled with the leadership of the Self, coming from a place of trust in Your presence and light.
I pray for compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. Although our marriage has come down to a business closing of money and asset division, I ask that we remember the love that brought us together, and the wonderful children which our union has borne. For their sakes as well as our own, we wish to put an end to this process in as respectful and loving a way as possible.
Although we each carry our sadness and pain and mutual regrets, I pray that we can look beyond this difficult period to a time when we can be friends and coexist peacefully. I pray that our once intact family can be rearranged to two intact and loving homes, where our children feel connected and comfortable. I pray that we can hold in a different light the love that once joined us forever; that on the deepest level we wish each other well as we let go and let G-d direct our lives.
For the sake of all we once had, and for all we had planned to share together, let us now finalize the terms of our marital dissolution so that we are both free to get on with our lives.
Let us complete this last painful task with a sense of trust in the love we once shared and hopefully can remember after this part is over.
Let us not work from purely simple and self-serving motives, but keep in mind the general welfare of each of us, and our children.
Let us request our attorneys to contribute what is needed for the mutual benefit of all concerned.
In the end, let us know that we behaved civilly, that we can look back with a clear conscience, and that as much as we could, we came from our hearts. G-d bless us and direct us all. Amen.
My Settlement Intention
I intend to have a peaceful and respectful settlement meeting, in which all parties come together from their Highest Selves and their own inner guidance and wisdom.
I intend that the parts of ourselves that are angry, fearful, defensive, revengeful, retributive, punitive, unloving, unforgiving, sad, young, abandoned, resentful, negative, hurting and hurtful – that all these parts be quelled with the leadership of the Self, coming from a place of trust in my own presence and light.
I intend to show compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. Although our marriage has come down to a business closing of money and asset division, I intend that we remember the love that brought us together, and the wonderful children which our union has borne. For their sakes as well as our own, we wish to put an end to this process in as respectful and loving a way as possible.
Although we each carry our sadness and pain and mutual regrets, I intend that we can look beyond this difficult period to a time when we can be friends and coexist peacefully. I intend that our once intact family can be rearranged to two intact and loving homes, where our children feel connected and comfortable. I intend that we can hold in a different light the love that once joined us forever; that on the deepest level we wish each other well as we let go.
For the sake of all we once had, and for all we had planned to share together, let us now finalize the terms of our marital dissolution so that we are both free to get on with our lives.
Let us complete this last painful task with a sense of trust in the love we once shared and hopefully can remember after this part is over.
Let us not work from purely simple and self-serving motives, but keep in mind the general welfare of each other and our children.
Let us request our attorneys to contribute what is needed for the mutual benefit of all concerned.
In the end, let us know that we behaved civilly, that we can look back with a clear conscience, and that as much as we could, we came from our hearts.
Hi, it's Linda Kroll. I want to thank Dick Schwartz and the whole IFS Institute for allowing me to share my process of Compassionate Mediation® with you.
I was overwhelmed and honored by the number of you who opted in for the Roadmap and also signed up for the three-session course that's coming soon. I want to give you some more hints about the Roadmap.
The Roadmap is an overview of the Compassionate Mediation process.
I want you to be able to use whatever tools that I have in there for you to use with your clients now.
On the list of the outline of the Roadmap, I mention:
creating a genogram
the five steps to get what you want and need
the miracle of empathy
how to talk to your children
how to fill out a budget form.
…and so much more.
All of those are for you to use with your clients now, who may want to know what to do next with their relationship.
Now, more than ever, relationships are strained to the limit. If people went into quarantine not knowing what they wanted to do, they may be even more confused now, and they're going to be needing your help and guidance.
What you can do with Compassionate Mediation is:
inte leargrate the tools I'm offering you into your practice now
begin to help your clients to relate from their highest self
create a compassionate relationship
explore their options
understand their rights and finances
and truly create the relationship they desire and deserve.
I want to give you the tools that I've used for over 30 years as an IFS therapist, mediator and attorney, a Chopra Certified teacher of meditation, yoga and Ayurveda.
I've blended the emotional and spiritual healing along with legal and financial information.
I find that if I can give these tools to you, you can help your clients have these very challenging conversations, but have them from SELF, have them from a place where they're clear, they're calm, they're connected, and they're compassionate with everything they're feeling, but also compassionate with what their partner feels.
Miracles can occur, because once they become SELF-led and they even talk about a part that's thinking whether they should stay or go, it leads to a whole deeper level of intimacy that you can help them navigate.
I want to share with you the tools that I've developed all these years and I've offered them at workshops. Now I found a way to offer them online.
I'm also including my Settlement Prayer that I gave to my husband the night before we got divorced. I actually brought it to the courtroom, I gave it to him and his attorney. His attorney looked at it and said, “Hey, Pete. Any changes you want to make on this?” but we left it alone.
It's the Settlement Prayer that invites us to come from our highest and best SELF, that invites us to acknowledge the pain, the sadness, the fear, the anger, but still rise above it, and for the sake the love we once shared and the future that we can create together to do it from our highest and best self.
I'm offer you the Prayer or the Intention below.
I have many more tools to share with you, and I hope you join me in my upcoming live three-hour course, Compassionate Mediation Tools For Your Practice Now..
I want to share with you the benefit of the wisdom that Dick Schwartz and the IFS colleagues have given me, plus all the other education I've acquired and put it into one program to hand to you.
In the meantime, enjoy the Roadmap, enjoy the other tools
I'll be sending. I look forward to staying connected. Thanks again for your interest and I'll talk to you soon.
Settlement Intention
I intend to have a peaceful and respectful settlement meeting, in which all parties come together from their Highest Selves and their own inner guidance and wisdom.
I intend that the parts of ourselves that are angry, fearful, defensive, revengeful, retributive, punitive, unloving, unforgiving, sad, young, abandoned, resentful, negative, hurting and hurtful – that all these parts be quelled with the leadership of the Self, coming from a place of trust in my own presence and light.
I intend to show compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. Although our marriage has come down to a business closing of money and asset division, I intend that we remember the love that brought us together, and the wonderful children which our union has borne. For their sakes as well as our own, we wish to put an end to this process in as respectful and loving a way as possible.
Although we each carry our sadness and pain and mutual regrets, I intend that we can look beyond this difficult period to a time when we can be friends and coexist peacefully. I intendthat our once intact family can be rearranged to two intact and loving homes, where our children feel connected and comfortable. I intend that we can hold in a different light the love that once joined us forever; that on the deepest level we wish each other well as we let go.
For the sake of all we once had, and for all we had planned to share together, let us now finalize the terms of our marital dissolution so that we are both free to get on with our lives.
Let us complete this last painful task with a sense of trust in the love we once shared and hopefully can remember after this part is over.
Let us not work from purely simple and self-serving motives, but keep in mind the general welfare of each other and our children.
Let us request our attorneys to contribute what is needed for the mutual benefit of all concerned.
In the end, let us know that we behaved civilly, that we can look back with a clear conscience, and that as much as we could, we came from our hearts.
Settlement Prayer
I gave the following prayer to my husband and our attorneys on the day we got divorced. I offer it as a prayer or as a statement of intention.
Dearest God,
I pray for a peaceful and respectful settlement meeting, in which all parties come together from their Highest Selves and their truest connection to Your guidance, wisdom and love.
I pray that the parts of ourselves that are angry, fearful, defensive, revengeful, retributive, punitive, unloving, unforgiving, young, abandoned, resentful, negative, hurting and hurtful – that all these parts be quelled with the leadership of the Self, coming from a place of trust in Your presence and light.
I pray for compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. Although our marriage has come down to a business closing of money and asset division, I ask that we remember the love that brought us together, and the wonderful children our union has borne. For their sakes as well as our own, we wish to put an end to this process in as respectful and loving a way as possible.
Although we each carry our sadness and pain and mutual regrets, I pray that we can look beyond this difficult period to a time when we can be friends and coexist peacefully. I pray that our once intact family can be rearranged to two intact and loving homes, where our children feel connected and comfortable. I pray that we can hold in a different light the love that once joined us forever; that on the deepest level we wish each other well as we let go and let God direct our lives.
For the sake of all we once had, and for all we had planned to share together, let us now finalize the terms of our marital dissolution so that we are both free to get on with our lives.
Let us complete this last painful task with a sense of trust in the love we once shared and hopefully can remember after this part is over.
Let us not work from purely simple and self-serving motives, but keep in mind the general welfare of each other, and our children.
Let us request our attorneys to contribute what is needed for the mutual benefit of all concerned.
In the end, let us know that we behaved civilly, that we can look back with a clear conscience, and that as much as we could, we came from our hearts.
