Four Tips for Healing All Your Relationships
How do the stories you tell yourself about someone affect how you show up in your relationship?
“She always does this.”
“He never does that.”
What are the beliefs that keep you in conflict, even if the conflicts are within your own mind?
Check out what you're telling yourself about the expectations, the disappointments, the “shoulds,” the stories – and just make a note in your mind.
Think about how painful this relationship is to you.
Does it make you feel scared or sad or unloved or vulnerable?
What are the feelings that you're feeling and where do you feel them in your body, in your heart, in your chest and your throat, your back, so check out.
What would it be like for you if you didn't have to tell yourself those stories?
If you didn't have to feel the feelings of pain or sadness or disappointment and you could truly relate from your heart.
Here are FOUR TIPS to help!.
The first tip is Connect to Your Best SELF.
What does that mean?
I'm an IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapist and Dick Schwartz, the founder of IFS always talks about SELF as having eight C qualities: C as in courageous, calm, connected, curious, confident, compassionate, clear, creative.
And I always add grateful.
When you're feeling all those calm, compassionate feelings, you're “in SELF.”
However, we're not usually “in SELF in all our relationships.
What happens is in our interactions, we get triggered.
When we get triggered, it triggers some deep wounds at times, and instead of acknowledging our pain or our fear, we try to manage it.
We go about our business or we try to ignore it, or we try to stay busy.
Even as we're trying to manage our lives, those exiled feelings come out, and we have out in ways that cause stress. Those behaviors cause stress for us, but they ten cause stress for other people.
Some people eat too much, drink too much, get addicted to things, get enraged, go have an affair.
There's all different ways to try to get extreme because you can't manage your feelings and you can't acknowledge the exiled feelings that you're not talking about.
When you're “in SELF.”, you recognize that you're a human being, but you're really a spiritual being who is having a human experience.
What does that mean?
It means that you're divine. It means that whatever spirit, soul, God, nature, higher self means to you – that is who you are
Learning how to be “in SELF” will improve all your relationships..
Here are some ways to connect to your best SELF.
You can meditate. You can journal, you can pray, go for a walk. You can take a bath. You can quiet your mind and listen for the messages from your soul.
There's lots of different ways to do that. Whatever brings you peace, brings you back to yourself will help with this first tip to connect to your best SELF.
The second tip is to Let Go of Your Limiting Beliefs.
First of all, you have to know that you have limiting beliefs – all those stories, all those expectations.
Someone wiser than me once said that “Expectations are premeditated resentments.”
Think about that for a moment.
Expectations are premeditated resentments.
If we don't expect, we can't resent the fact that our expectations aren't met.
You may have to leave certain relationships if you're not getting your needs met, but take a look and see how much you're laying your expectations onto someone else and hen being disappointed that they can't deliver it exactly as you wanted.Byron Katie does a lot of good work on her website www.theWork.com.
She has you look at your thoughts and ask yourself four questions.
Byron said that 85% of the problems in life come because we believe our own thoughts.
Think about that.
Just because you have a thought doesn't mean it's true.
Just because you have a story.doesn't mean it's the only way to look at the situation.
Write down a belief and Byron Katie says, ask yourself four questions
- Is it true?
- Is it a hundred percent true?
- How do you feel when you think that thought?
- How would you feel if you could let that thought go?
Take a breath, and you'll notice you might think it's true, but it's not a hundred percent true.
You probably noticed that if you could let that thought go, you'd feel much better than you do.
Then she asked you to try on a different thought, because when you have a different thought, you have a different feeling.
When you have a different feeling, you can often show up more “in SELF” because you're going to drop down from your head (and all that judgment) and go into your heart.
Connect to your best SELF, let go of limiting beliefs and then unburden the pain from the past.
The third tip is to Unburden Pain from the Past.
You may need some help with that.
You may need some therapy. You may need to talk to a trusted friend you may need group support. You may need to go to a 12-step program.
When we're carrying around pain from your childhood, pain from when you first got married, or pain from other relationships, and you bring that old pain into the present moment and project it into the future, that keeps you from being in SELF.
It also makes you more vulnerable to being hurt because that well of exiled feelings never gets unburdened.
Internal Family Systems is a great way to get to your higher SELF, let go of those limiting beliefs and judgments, and go back to where the pain was first caused and take better care of yourself.
I want to invite you to check out an IFS therapist in your area, or work with me if you'd like to and see how you can unburden the pain from your past.
Tip number one, connect to your best self
Tip number two, let go of your limiting beliefs,
Tip number three, unburden pain from the past.
The final tip is to Relate from Your Heart.
Take a deep breath with me and connect to your heart.
When you connect to your best self and you're no longer using your belief system to create walls around your heart or filters through which you judge someone else.
When you unburden the pain from the past, you really are a channel of love and a beacon of light.
From that place, all relationships heal.
You may decide you have to leave or you can begin to create boundaries, not cutoffs, and you can do it coming from your higher self.
For my friends that are getting divorced, I invite you to notice that divorce brings out all parts and you have to learn how to speak for the feelings underneath the fear and sadness, because that's what going on for both of you.
Thich Nhat Hanh, the great spiritual leader said that eople like to take sides.
And what we can do is therapist or mediators or coaches or clergy or parents or anyone helping to be of service – is to go to one side in a conflict and tell them about the pain and suffering of the other party.
And then go back to the first party and tell them about the pain and suffering of the other party.
Because once you can have compassion that we're all having the same feelings, we all have the same parts, healing can happen.
We all have the same challenges, and you can come from your higher self and speak with empathy, set your boundaries and be safe.
You really can relate from your heart.
Once again, here are the Four Tips.
- Connected to your best self.
- Let go of limiting beliefs
- Unburdened from the past
- Relate from your heart.
I want to invite you to go to LindaKroll.com/CCC for a Compassionate Communication Care Kit.
It's a free gift and it gives you a guided meditation to actually get to SELF, and to experience what it feels like to come from that calm, compassionate center.
It also gives you a four minute overview of Compassionate Communication.
It gives you a Relationship Assessment so you can start to assess how you are showing up in your relationships and it gives you a roadmap to my Compassionate Mediation® process.
I'm so glad you joined me and I have a lot more to share.
Let's stay connected.
Go get the Compassionate Communication Care Kit at LindaKroll.com/CCC
Begin to do Guided Meditation…As you do that, you can let go of your limiting beliefs.
You can unburden yourself from pain from the past and the stories you've been telling yourself over and over again, and you don't have to suffer with pain from the past.
You truly can unburden it. You get to see what a burden it is. And as you unburdened it, you can relate from your heart, heart to heart, with someone else.
As you're relating from your heart miracles happen, they really do.
When you change the dynamics, you change the energy between you and that person with whom you’re having a conflict.
Just take one more breath and imagine yourself showing up in the relationship and you don't even have to interact with that person.
You can show up right now and just change your energy. Just stop judging. See if you can stop telling yourself the same stories.
If you can find the inner child in you that needs appreciation, affection, attention, and acceptance and give it to yourself.
Stop looking for it from the other person, give it to yourself and then see what shows up.
As you listen to the Guided Meditation to get to self, you're going to understand that your parts can keep you stuck.
They can keep you telling yourself the same story and dropping into the same foxhole and getting some post-traumatic symptoms from whatever was triggering you in the first place.
Get the guided meditation, learn how to be in self.
As you do that, you'll let go of your limiting beliefs. You'll unburden pain from the past. You'll relate from your heart. That's what I wish for you.
I wish for you the opportunity to become your best self and have all that you desire and deserve.
You can let go or all that you don’t want and take exquisite care of yourself. Also, let’s stay connected in my Compassionate Communication Community on Facebook: Join us HERE: www.CompassionateCommunication.GROUP
I LOVE this!! Thank you so much, Linda!