Be Your Best SELF
Let go of limiting beliefs.
Unburden pain from the past.
Relate from your heart.
Compassionate Mediation® is a process that I developed after studying for 35 years. I studied Internal Family Systems with Dick Schwartz and I studied at the Chopra Center with @Davidji. I had the privilege of studying with these wonderful mentors – and many others, including SARK. I am deeply grateful to all of them.
Compassionate Mediation® is a process that I hope will be used around the world whenever there's conflict.
It invites people to come from their highest self, recognize that we're all one, and work out the details of the negotiations without getting into the human condition of defensiveness and reactivity and blame and judgment.
The first step in my version of Compassionate Communication is to connect to your best SELF.
Most of us aren't in our best self all of the time. I’m defining SELF (as used in IFS therapy) as that calm, compassionate place inside your heart where you're not triggered by anyone else’s actions or reactions.
When we're “in SELF,” we're calm, we're clear, we're compassionate – but we're usually not in self. We're in “Parts..”
And the parts that we're in – we either EXILE, MANAGE, or get EXTREME.
We EXILE some parts and push them aside and don't tell our partner that we're really sad and scared. And instead we try to MANAGE by being nice or pleasing or being stoic or being hardworking or pretending we're “in SELF.”
We pretend everything's okay, but we're really feeling a lot of these hurt, sad, scared, maybe even angry feelings that we're not sharing.
So instead, we do things to numb as an EXTREME reaction to avoid the pain of the Exiles that the Managers can’t contain.
We stay real busy. we exercise too much. We drink, we take drugs. We go have an affair, we get depressed, we get enraged. We do a lot of different things, but these are all human reactions to a very painful, scary condition.
And when we're “in SELF, then we are less reactive and can be more responsive.
HOW DO YOU BECOME MORE “in SELF?”
The first way is to just take a breath.
You may have voices in your head asking “Do I want to stay in this relationship or do I want to go? “Can Iput my walk around my heart down and trust again? Can I be safe and happy in this relationship?”
You can take a breath, come to the present moment, and stop regurgitating the past and what they did to us then. And we're not projecting that into the future as if it's going be that way forever.
But we're present. And in that present moment, there's a lot more possibility. T
The second way to get to SELF is to recognize that we have these Parts and we speak for them, but not from them.
So it's okay to say from your higher SELF, “There's a part of me that's angry because of something. There's a part of me that's scared when you do that. I'm feeling sad because …..”
When we're talking from SELF. It's a whole different dialogue with a more calm and compassionate energy.
When you are compassionately communicating, You are
- connecting to your best SELF.
- letting go of your limiting beliefs and judgments about the other person (or yourself)
- unburdening the pain from the past, not carrying it with you and projecting it into the future.
- relating from your heart.
Because when you're in your higher SELF, it's safe to open your heart.
It may mean you'll be setting more boundaries. It may mean that you choose to leave, but you can do it from your higher SELF, with kindness and compassion.
I wrote the book to help you – Compassionate Mediation® for Relationships at a Crossroad: How to Add Passion to Your Marriage or Compassion to Your Divorce.
You can heal and transform your relationship from your highest and best SELF for the benefit of all concerned. You can learn more and find healing with my Compassionate Mediation Program available now.
Compassionate Mediation® is a transformational process of conflict resolution that will help you add passion to your marriage or compassion to your divorce. .