On this day of Thanksgiving, I invite you to be thankful for every blessing in your life.
Even the ones that don’t feel like a blessing, because from gratitude, we move through our grief and make sense of what’s ever happening in our lives right now.
So go hug somebody, go call somebody, go send someone a note, connect in some way with the people that are here, say a prayer for the people that aren’t.
And let’s remember to stay grateful – because in our gratitude is a certain grace that helps with the pain of what we’ve lost.
I miss Dana. I miss all the other loved ones, and I’m very thankful that she and they were in my life and are still looking down from that Thanksgiving table in the sky to shower us with their love.
I’m sending a lot of love to you, a lot of prayers for happy Thanksgiving, happy holidays, happy New Year.
Let’s honor the legacy of our departed loved ones by making our lives as valuable, as valued and as happy as possible.
Sending much love.
Grief or Gratitude?
I concentrate on the latter to mitigate the former.
I realize I wouldn’t miss her so clearly if I didn’t love her so dearly.
I focus on the years we had instead of the future without her here.
I give thanks, through my tears, that we are always connected in our hearts.
I appreciate my blessings – my beloved family, friends, health, life, even as I nurse my broken heart.
I cry copiously, grateful that I can get my feelings out without needing to numb, distract, or deny.
I celebrate with family and friends who understand, offer support, and hug me tightly.
She was missing for my birthday – and for hers.
And now here comes Thanksgiving.
In my grief, I am so grateful for the light, the jove, the joy she was.
And I’m grateful for feeling her with me even as I miss her every moment.
Grief or Gratitude.
I can do both. I need to do both.
I have everything she ever wrote to me, and all the voicemails of the recent past.
I am grateful for each one. I am grateful for each moment we shared. I am grateful for every memory I have.
I am grateful that for 41 years she was my daughter, and for the rest of my life she always will be.
And then we will celebrate all future holidays together at that Glorious, Well-Attended, Blessed Table in the Sky.
Waiting for – and after “the Call”… 10/23/21 6:15 a.m Sunday
Waiting for the Call Video from August 8, 2018 Hi. I just came in from running errands I ran today with my groceries still needing to be unpacked, and with the urge to turn on my computer and talk to you.
Talk to you if you are a parent of a child who’s addicted. Talk to you if you’ve ever had to wait for the call.
And the reason I wanted to talk to you is because I’ve realized that having someone understand what you’re going through, and having someone to share it with, helps alleviate that tight feeling in your gut like you can’t breath or the pain in your chest that says you can’t take enough oxygen in, or the shoulders that are so heavy with worry, or the head that feels like it’s about to explode.
I just want you to know that I see you. In my little green light in my heart, I see you. And I’m sending you hugs and I’m sending you love and I’m getting it back from you.
So my beloved 37 year old daughter texted me last night that she’s drunk and alone in a hotel – and there have been many calls that I’ve waited for and thank God there have been many calls that have come:
calls that have gotten her to the emergency room where her blood alcohol poisoning was dangerously high. Calls that have told me the fingers that were amputated in the car accident would be not life threatening. Calls from her saying goodbye. Calls from the police or firemen that I send over saying they had her.So there’s lots of calls I’ve waited for and there’s lot of calls that have come. And I know what’s it like to wait for the call.
I thought I’d reach out to you to commiserate and embrace the not knowing, because we don’t.
And I have been to many years of Al-Anon and I have tried to practice what I’ve learned and in an effort, as I’ve said before to make lemonade out of the lemons that sometimes fall into our lives, sometimes I feel like part of the purpose is to either write about it or film about it so that other people who are going through what I’ve grown through can either articulate it or feel seen by it or in some way feel a comradery that we’re not totally alone.
So if you can get yourself to a meeting and we’ll remind ourselves that we’re powerless. We’re powerless over the choices our children make. And even though our prayer is to have them outlive us that’s really in God’s hands.
And that’s why I do believe there is a Higher Power and I am willing – not always willing – but I am willing now to surrender, because there’s nothing more I can do.
Like you, we’ve probably given as much as we could give and taken them to as many rehabs as we could afford and then some and loved and supported and I’m here to love and support and not judge.
But I do need to acknowledge what it’s like to wait for the call, ’cause if I don’t acknowledge it, this constriction in my gut will keep constricting and I’ll probably go try and drown it out with chocolate or sugar.
Maybe I’ll turn my computer back on and work many, many, many hours in a row so that I won’t have to think or feel. But whatever I choose to do, I don’t get to the feelings so, even now turning on the computer is probably an efficient way to get to the feelings, so I’m gonna put you on pause while I go get some Kleenex. I’m back, I needed Kleenex.
So like I said, talking to you is probably another way to avoid feeling, but maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s a way of saying that I know I’m not alone.
I know there are many of you who have been where I am now and probably are right now, waiting for the call. And maybe the lesson that I’m to learn and I want to share with you is, how do we wait for that call in a way that doesn’t keep us totally constricted and terrorized and infuriated and melancholy and hopeless and overwhelmed and busy and reactive and depressed?
How do we wait for that call knowing that there is a Higher Power and it’s all planned already. There’s really nothing we could do except be the best of who we can be while whatever is supposed to happen is happening. So I’m trying not to think of my daughter alone in a hotel.
Maybe that’s where she needs to be right now. Maybe she needs to black out the world and turn on the TV and order in pizza and booze until she can’t do it anymore.
And she’s done that so many times and come out of it, thank God, so many times that maybe this is just the next time. And I can’t continue to get traumatized every time it happens because she’s choosing what she’s choosing. And I can’t judge her for it because it is an addiction.
I can love my daughter and truly despise the addiction, but continue to love my daughter.
And I also want to love those parts of me that are traumatized and are terrorized and are hopeful, hopeless, positive, negative, in denial, all too real.
The polarities inside of me that ping pong my way through the waiting instead of just knowing I’m waiting. But again, aren’t we all waiting? All the time? Who knows what’s going to happen to any of us. Who knows what the next doctor visit is going to say.
So maybe I’m not waiting for the call, maybe I’m just living my life. And I don’t have to constrict every time a text comes in or the phone rings and I don’t have to hold my breath, but I can just live and know that the call will come when the call will come and it will say what it will say, and in the meantime, it is helpful for the people that do know what I’m going through to offer me a hug, or offer me a oy, which means “Oy, I can’t believe what you’re going through.”
But whatever I’m going through, it’s nothing to what she’s going through, or maybe not. Maybe she’s too drunk right now to even feel anything and I’m feeling for both of us. So I do need to let go and let God. I do need to believe she is in God’s hands as am I, as are you, as are your children. And whether you believe in God or not, or the universe or Higher Power – What’s ever out there – I think believing that something is out there is better than giving up hope.
‘Cause I’ve always said where there’s life there’s hope. So today I’m hopeful. I’m hopeful that I’ll get a call that will let me know she’s safe.
I’m hopeful that I’ll get a call that’ll let me know she’s picking herself back up for the umpteenth time, for which I applaud her courage, her resilience, her fortitude, her desire to live a life that’s sober and safe.
So, I always say I’m trying to answer the call but I’m not sure who’s calling my soul or my ego, and I guess we’re all waiting for calls and I wish I had something profound to end this with and I hope I get back to you with a happy result, and I hope you get back to me with a happy result.
And in the meantime just know that as I’m looking at this little green light, and looking into the eyes and the soul and the heart of you, who is in pain and in fear, and in love with our children.
And I want you to know that I see you and I love you and I’m sending you hugs and prayers to you and to our children, with hopes that, God willing, they will find their way to happiness and fulfillment and joy and love and peace and abundance and all that we wish for them.
That, God willing, they will bury us instead of the other way around.
And that together, whether it’s Al-Anon meeting with our friends, with our family, with people that get us, with the groups on Facebook, that we’ll find comradery and we’ll find support to help us through this time, knowing that we’re not alone. I believe there is a God. I’m going to let go and let God. I’m going to remind myself as Al-Anon says that I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it.
But I can breath more often, I can put my hands on my belly where my fear resides and remind those parts of me that if I stop telling myself the same old story, with the same old fears then the possibility of living through this time becomes more peaceful. And that’s the most I can hope for right now.
Well I can hope for a lot. I do hope for a lot for all of us. So, thanks for hanging in here with me. Anything you want to send to me I appreciate and just know that I’m sending you love and support and prayers and healing for our children, for our hearts. And hope that you find the support you need, whether it’s your partner or your family or your friends or Al-Anon, or any 12-step group.
that our children are safe and that we can be safe whether we’re waiting for the call, get the call or any other time.
So, sending you a lot of love, a lot of prayers. A lot of positive energy. Thanks for being here and witnessing and sharing. And I love you, and bye for now.
Getting the Call
I waited for many calls. And many I received….
Some of them looking for Dana, Most of them from her saying goodbye.
I made many, many calls to her to paramedics to ER’s to psych wards to doctors to therapists to police stations to fire departments to hotels and motels to friends to insurance agents to hospitals to detox to rehab to Pete and Torrie to Kimmy to Jerry to Norm to Joyce and Carol and Judy and Mo, and Lenny and Nancy and Nancy and Ellen and Jaqueline and Debbie and Mike and Pat and anyone and everyone who cared and asked and prayed and worried and commiserated and empathized….
So many calls.
And then THAT one at 4:00 p.m. on Sunday, September 12, 2021 – at Maisie’s ball game – with Kimmy – that forever changed our lives.
Dana was on life support in California, after being found in a hotel and unresponsive for 30 minutes. They were not sure what damage had been done. She was alive, but non-responsive.
i got Kimmy and we went off to an open space to take the all and hold each other as we cried….
THE CALL we had all feared we’d get – we got.
And I got off the phone and went to California.
For more calls to ICU nurses doctors organ donation cremation coroner’s office family friends rabbis hotels airlines Mike and Debbie Joanie and Marty and Steve Norm
And now I’m in Israel…. thinking about the calls.
AFTER the CALL a flurry of family and friends needing to cancel phone, insurance, health club memorial and celebration cremation and Judy and Joyce and Carol calls of disappointment to Carol and Marlon Calls to see how I’m doing – Nancy, Ellen, Judy, Pat, family, No calls from others –
Less calls as time goes on.
Sigh.
No more calls to wait for. No more calls to dread.
No more calls from Dana saying how much she loves me and is sorry and appreciates me and will see me soon.
No more lies. No more running. No more..
I wish I were still waiting for the call I finally got – than adjusting to a life where I’ll never speak with her again.
I have voicemails I could listen to, and I’ll put them all on a tape – so I won’t lose them..
I always knew I’d have to rely on them someday.
I always knew that she would die before me….
We all tried so hard to avoid that reality.
She got to a point where living felt scarier than dying. How she must have suffered.
My poor baby.
At peace, I pray, at last.
Forever and ever and ever in my heart.
On speed dial every day.
God bless you always, my Beloved Cherished, Beautiful daughter.
How can you let her go, when you were supposed to go first?
How can you imagine a life without her in it?
The answer is…. you don’t..
It’s not goodbye It’s – see you later.
You don’t let go You hold tight to all that was good.
You don’t have a life without her But you fill your life with memories and connections.
We put our foreheads touching hers…skin to skin like when she was a baby….and I held her close so she could feel our body warmth touching her.
We rub her arms – hoping that our touch will bring peace and relaxation because we don’t know what’s going on inside.
Our daughter/sister/aunt had a heart attack and didn’t breathe for 40 minutes.
She was put on a ventilator, non-responsive, staying alive, I think, so that she could help those of us who have loved her to have time to say “good-bye.’
we could hold her hand through her shiva….
Calling our relatives and friends and crying, as we held and rubbed …
AND now it’s time to Remember Dana – and all that she shared with all of us.
How do the stories you tell yourself about someone affect how you show up in your relationship?
“She always does this.”
“He never does that.”
What are the beliefs that keep you in conflict, even if the conflicts are within your own mind?
Check out what you’re telling yourself about the expectations, the disappointments, the “shoulds,” the stories – and just make a note in your mind.
Think about how painful this relationship is to you.
Does it make you feel scared or sad or unloved or vulnerable?
What are the feelings that you’re feeling and where do you feel them in your body, in your heart, in your chest and your throat, your back, so check out.
What would it be like for you if you didn’t have to tell yourself those stories?
If you didn’t have to feel the feelings of pain or sadness or disappointmentand you could truly relate from your heart.
Here are FOUR TIPS to help!.
The first tip is Connect to Your Best SELF.
What does that mean?
I’m an IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapist and Dick Schwartz, the founder of IFS always talks about SELF as having eight C qualities: C as in courageous, calm, connected, curious, confident, compassionate, clear, creative.
And I always add grateful.
When you’re feeling all those calm, compassionate feelings, you’re “in SELF.”
However, we’re not usually “in SELF in all our relationships.
What happens is in our interactions, we get triggered.
When we get triggered, it triggers some deep wounds at times, and instead of acknowledging our pain or our fear, we try to manage it.
We go about our business or we try to ignore it, or we try to stay busy.
Even as we’re trying to manage our lives, those exiled feelings come out, and we have out in ways that cause stress. Those behaviors cause stress for us, but they ten cause stress for other people.
Some people eat too much, drink too much, get addicted to things, get enraged, go have an affair.
There’s all different ways to try to get extreme because you can’t manage your feelings and you can’t acknowledge the exiled feelings that you’re not talking about.
When you’re “in SELF.”, you recognize that you’re a human being, but you’re really a spiritual being who is having a human experience.
What does that mean?
It means that you’re divine. It means that whatever spirit, soul, God, nature, higher self means to you – that is who you are
Learning how to be “in SELF” will improve all your relationships..
Here are some ways to connect to your best SELF.
You can meditate. You can journal, you can pray, go for a walk. You can take a bath. You can quiet your mind and listen for the messages from your soul.
There’s lots of different ways to do that. Whatever brings you peace, brings you back to yourself will help with this first tip to connect to your best SELF.
The second tip is to Let Go of Your Limiting Beliefs.
First of all, you have to know that you have limiting beliefs – all those stories, all those expectations.
Someone wiser than me once said that “Expectations are premeditated resentments.”
Think about that for a moment.
Expectations are premeditated resentments.
If we don’t expect, we can’t resent the fact that our expectations aren’t met.
You may have to leave certain relationships if you’re not getting your needs met, but take a look and see how much you’re laying your expectations onto someone else and hen being disappointed that they can’t deliver it exactly as you wanted.Byron Katie does a lot of good work on her website www.theWork.com.
She has you look at your thoughts and ask yourself four questions.
Byron said that 85% of the problems in life come because we believe our own thoughts.
Think about that.
Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean it’s true.
Just because you have a story.doesn’t mean it’s the only way to look at the situation.
Write down a belief and Byron Katie says, ask yourself four questions
Is it true?
Is it a hundred percent true?
How do you feel when you think that thought?
How would you feel if you could let that thought go?
Take a breath, and you’ll notice you might think it’s true, but it’s not a hundred percent true.
You probably noticed that if you could let that thought go, you’d feel much better than you do.
Then she asked you to try on a different thought, because when you have a different thought, you have a different feeling.
When you have a different feeling, you can often show up more “in SELF” because you’re going to drop down from your head (and all that judgment) and go into your heart.
Connect to your best SELF, let go of limiting beliefs and then unburden the pain from the past.
The third tip is to Unburden Pain from the Past.
You may need some help with that.
You may need some therapy. You may need to talk to a trusted friend you may need group support. You may need to go to a 12-step program.
When we’re carrying around pain from your childhood, pain from when you first got married, or pain from other relationships, and you bring that old pain into the present moment and project it into the future, that keeps you from being in SELF.
It also makes you more vulnerable to being hurt because that well of exiled feelings never gets unburdened.
Internal Family Systems is a great way to get to your higher SELF, let go of those limiting beliefs and judgments, and go back to where the pain was first caused and take better care of yourself.
I want to invite you to check out an IFS therapist in your area, or work with me if you’d like to and see how you can unburden the pain from your past.
Tip number one, connect to your best self
Tip number two, let go of your limiting beliefs,
Tip number three, unburden pain from the past.
The final tip is to Relate from Your Heart.
Take a deep breath with me and connect to your heart.
When you connect to your best self and you’re no longer using your belief system to create walls around your heart or filters through which you judge someone else.
When you unburden the pain from the past, you really are a channel of love and a beacon of light.
From that place, all relationships heal.
You may decide you have to leave or you can begin to create boundaries, not cutoffs, and you can do it coming from your higher self.
For my friends that are getting divorced, I invite you to notice that divorce brings out all parts and you have to learn how to speak for the feelings underneath the fear and sadness, because that’s what going on for both of you.
Thich Nhat Hanh, the great spiritual leader said that eople like to take sides.
And what we can do is therapist or mediators or coaches or clergy or parents or anyone helping to be of service – is to go to one side in a conflict and tell them about the pain and suffering of the other party.
And then go back to the first party and tell them about the pain and suffering of the other party.
Because once you can have compassion that we’re all having the same feelings, we all have the same parts, healing can happen.
We all have the same challenges, and you can come from your higher self and speak with empathy, set your boundaries and be safe.
It’s a free gift and it gives you a guided meditation to actually get to SELF, and to experience what it feels like to come from that calm, compassionate center.
It also gives you a four minute overview of Compassionate Communication.
It gives you a Relationship Assessment so you can start to assess how you are showing up in your relationships and it gives you a roadmap to my Compassionate Mediation® process.
I’m so glad you joined me and I have a lot more to share.
Begin to do Guided Meditation…As you do that, you can let go of your limiting beliefs.
You can unburden yourself from pain from the past and the stories you’ve been telling yourself over and over again, and you don’t have to suffer with pain from the past.
You truly can unburden it. You get to see what a burden it is. And as you unburdened it, you can relate from your heart, heart to heart, with someone else.
As you’re relating from your heart miracles happen, they really do.
When you change the dynamics, you change the energy between you and that person with whom you’re having a conflict.
Just take one more breath and imagine yourself showing up in the relationship and you don’t even have to interact with that person.
You can show up right now and just change your energy. Just stop judging. See if you can stop telling yourself the same stories.
If you can find the inner child in you that needs appreciation, affection, attention, and acceptance and give it to yourself.
Stop looking for it from the other person, give it to yourself and then see what shows up.
As you listen to the Guided Meditation to get to self, you’re going to understand that your parts can keep you stuck.
They can keep you telling yourself the same story and dropping into the same foxhole and getting some post-traumatic symptoms from whatever was triggering you in the first place.
Get the guided meditation, learn how to be in self.
As you do that, you’ll let go of your limiting beliefs. You’ll unburden pain from the past. You’ll relate from your heart. That’s what I wish for you.
I wish for you the opportunity to become your best self and have all that you desire and deserve.
You can let go or all that you don’t want and take exquisite care of yourself. Also, let’s stay connected in my Compassionate Communication Community on Facebook: Join us HERE: www.CompassionateCommunication.GROUP
I want to invite you to join me, to get a copy of my Roadmap of the Compassionate Mediation process.
If you’re a therapist or a coach or mediator, attorney clergy, or anyone who works with individuals or couples in conflict, I would love to share my Compassionate Mediation Program with you.
If you go to LindaKroll.com/Roadmap, I’ll send you the outline of my process and the video introduction to tell you how you can integrate it into your practice now.
I’m also for a limited time offering a brief chat so that I can get to know you personally and see how my process could help you expand your impact, your expertise and your income by offering this process to your individual and couples.
I’m a pioneer in the field of marriage counseling and divorce mediation.
I’ve created a process that merges the two of them. When a couple or an individual thinks they might want to leave their marriage divorce, isn’t the only option.
I want to give you the skillset that I’ve developed as an IFS therapist, a mediator and attorney, I’m also a Chopra certified teacher of meditation, Ayurveda and yoga.
I blend the emotional and spiritual healing along with legal and financial information and support.
I’ve put it all together in a turn key process – meaning from the very first introduction with a new client or an existing client, you can lead them through a discussion of all the possible issues that they’d have to discuss.
If they were going to separate or divorce, however, you’re going to teach them how to Compassionately Communicate.
What that means is you help them get to their best self, let go of their limiting beliefs and judgements, unburden pain from the past and relate from their heart.
When they do that, a new marriage is possible. You teach them how to be their best self, how to create a compassionate relationship with empathy and understanding how to explore their options about every possibility, how to understand their rights and finances and how to truly create the relationship they desire and deserve.
The good news is that for you – you can join me in being a pioneer in this process.
I am looking to help others take everything that I’ve learned in my 35 years of professional and personal training and give it to you.
Go to LindaKroll.com/Roadmap, then if there is still space available, sign up for a 15 minute chat.
There’s nothing to sell on these calls. I just want to offer you the benefit of all that I’ve developed so that you can use it.
Now you’ll take one actionable item or more from our chat.
I look to getting to know you. So if you have any questions, go to LindaKroll.com/Roadmap, sign up and I’ll get back to you. Then we can connect in real-time so we can help change the face of divorce one heart at a time.
