Countless couples play out their emotional dramas without regard to the collateral damage they inflict on their innocent and loving children. Two people who once cared enough to promise to love and cherish “until death do them part” can also learn to fear and despise each other after years of pain and unmet needs.
These hurting individuals need compassion for the profound sadness underneath the rage. No matter how far apart a man and wife can become emotionally and physically, their children are caught in the middle and continue to feel the strife.
Families do not have to be “broken”, but can be peacefully and respectfully re-structured.
Whether you are stuck in an emotionally abusive situation, considering a divorce, in the middle of one, or long past the date of dissolution, if you are still angry and/or anxious in the company of your (ex)spouse, there is healing that can be done.
It starts with compassion – for yourself at first, and then eventually for your (former) partner. No matter what the reasons are that cause a union to terminate, there is pain and sadness and fear on both sides. Learning how to acknowledge those feelings, and to be met with empathy and understanding, is a gift you give your whole family, beginning with yourself.
Your children will only have one biological mother and father, no matter how many other partners are introduced into their lives. Children of all ages seek on some level to have a “happy family”. If you can’t find a way to live with the other parent, you can find a way to connect with civility, courtesy, and even kindness. Healing can happen, and it starts with you.
“Why should I have to do any more work? I was always the only one who cared enough to try harder!”
The work you do is ultimately for your own personal growth. With or without your (former) partner present, you can explore the origins of your own pain and anger, and learn how to relay your needs in words that don’t sound blaming or judgmental. You can learn how to calmly talk about your sadness and your fears, even if the end result is a decision to leave your marriage.
And if your divorce has already been finalized, you can find a way to reframe your experience so that it becomes a catalyst for forgiveness and a healthy letting go of pain. As you heal, your children benefit from your inner peace. And then you are truly free to go on with your own life, unburdened from the wounds of your past.
Divorce is the death of a dream.
None of us ever plans to get divorced, and when it happens, the grieving must be done. Calcifying our loss with indifference, resentments, or cut-offs only exacerbates the heartache our children bear. Learning how to relate to the other parent with dignity and respect is a priceless gift of love to your child. Divorce itself does not cause the damage. It is the parental conflict that leaves the lifelong wounds.
Losing My Marriage, Finding My Self
Victim or empowered? The choice is yours. You can exit a marriage with grace, no matter how long it’s been since you first said “I do”. And it is never too late to begin. The first step you take is the path to your authentic Self, a state of calm, clarity, compassion, creativity, courage, and confidence.
Counseling and/or Mediation
Alone or together, you can make decisions that will affect the rest of your life. Whether you begin with counseling and eventually end with mediation, you and your spouse can calmly discuss all issues in a compassionate way to lead to a peaceful and respectful resolution.
Post-divorce, healing can still be accomplished, with or without your former partner present. How did he/she remind you of your mother/father? What issues did you bring to the relationship? What can you learn to help you form more positive relationships in the future?
The Miracle of Empathy
Understanding and forgiving yourself and each other, and dealing with any feelings in the way of forgiveness, charts your course towards emotional liberation. As unbelievable as it may seem to you now, your future can be filled with peace and joy, and your children can have the benefit of parents who can both be present at important times in their lives. (If you don’t think it matters to your children any longer, just ask them.)
You owe it to your “re-structured family”, and to yourself, to be open to the possibility of a healthier relationship. It only takes one to start the process. You will be amazed at the difference it will make in all of your lives.
Singlehood has an array of opportunities – and challenges. The opportunities for growth are unparalled. Often, the major challenge is seeing the opportunities.
Many of us think of singlehood as the way station en route to a relationship. It’s the bridge we cross to get to where we’re meant to be. It’s a limbo time of searching – but it’s often a search for “another’, rather than a journey inward.
Once we realize, finally and fully, without any doubts at all, that we are complete as we are, totally whole individuals, an incredible sense of peace descends. There is no need to strive, to seek, to search outside of oneself for happiness. No obligation to merge in order to feel complete. No necessity to find in another that which was perceived missing in one’s self. There is a freedom from struggle. A letting go of effort. It’s hopping on the inner tube of life as it heads where its meant to go, rather than trying to control a raft in the rapids. It’s relaxing, joyous, energizing. It’s being home wherever you are, whenever your heart is open. It is safety.
It is your true Self.
Many of us have lost ourselves in relationships. Many of us forfeited our truths when we were children. We abandoned and exiled our true feelings by managing them with behaviors we thought would be better accepted by our parents, siblings, teachers, peers. We learned how to please, placate, get by, function, manage. We perceived ourselves as lacking in some way, and we were attracted to others who seemed to complete us, fill in the blanks, offer what we were seeking.
Often those traits that brought us to our partners were the ones that began to bother us the most. For example, a shy man is attracted to a talkative lady, but later he complains that she never shuts up. A woman falls for a man who is strong and assertive and many years hence decides he’s too paternalistic and controlling.
Once we know that we are complete, we lose the desperation of the search. People may come and go in our lives, but we don’t tie to any one of them the ability to make us or break us. We can be happy to share our time, our bodies, our lives with someone else, but we can do it as equals, without expectations or judgments.
We can learn how to speak our truth – without fear. We can discern when our needs are being met, or our boundaries violated. We can choose to stay in a relationship, or we can choose to go. And if someone chooses to leave us first, we can know that we are just fine, time will heal our pride, and we can go on to find a relationship that is meant to go the distance – however long that distance is meant to be.
Perhaps the “happily ever after” needs to be edited to ‘happily each day’. Rather than seek the Prince on the horse or the damsel in need, we can drop the fantasy and be receptive to reality.
We can look within ourselves to find the communication, companionship, and connection we are seeking. Let our quest become an internal one. Let our pursuit focus on self awareness, self care and self love. Then we can nurture our hearts, our light, our ability to feel joy, and attract into our lives healthy people who are doing the same.
You might want to define yourself in terms of your “story” – what happened to you in your childhood, what is happening to you right now, who is causing you pain.
The more you tell your “story,” the less empathy you will receive from those around you. People tend to lose interest in the “yadayada” details of your life, and begin to shift their focus back to their own “yadayada”.
To receive the heart-centered support you might be seeking, have the courage to state your feelings. Your feelings are universal, and others can relate to you no matter how different your stories might be.
The more succinctly you state your feelings, the more you can process them and release the energy charge that they carry.
Feelings are not thoughts, nor are they judgments about another. The most universal feelings are often sadness and fear. When we are hurt by those we love or trust, it causes profound feelings, which must be acknowledged. We cannot change anyone else, but we can learn how to speak our truth clearly and compassionately.
We often get angry because our boundaries have been violated. Acknowledging your anger (rather than ignoring it or becoming enraged), will help you take appropriate action to begin to regain your balance.
Go into your heart and see what your feelings are right now. Share them with another compassionate heart, and begin to heal.
There are people from our past who have hurt us in many different ways. Some of those people might be our parents, who may have done the best they knew how to do.
Although we want to forgive them, we wish we could tell them how they hurt us, but we are afraid of hurting them. Or we are afraid to anger them. We are concerned about the responsibility we feel to manage their feelings, so instead we suppress our own.
What if we could speak for the parts of us that are still carrying the burdens from the past?
What are we afraid would happen if we used words like “hurt” and “sad” and “scared” and “angry”?
What if we spoke up for our wounded inner child, even though our caretaking parts are afraid of burdening someone else?
What if we gave ourselves permission to speak our feelings out loud?
What if we gave other people the right to speak their own feelings, and gave ourselves permission NOT to fix, save or rescue them from what they might feel?
What if we learned to set healthy and appropriate boundaries for ourselves and others?
What if we could walk away if a relationship feels toxic?
People from our past can be our biggest teachers.
Even if we never choose to share our feelings with them,we can express our feelings here and now.
And we can accept all parts of ourselves with compassion and unconditional love.
We can feel what we feel, and in this moment, we can be safe.
