You were born enlightened. Now all you have to do is let go of what you think you already know. And as you lighten up, your relationships will improve!
Descartes wrote, “I think, therefore I am.” However you are so much more than just your mind, and sometimes it’s what you think that causes the problems. Caroline Myss says, “The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.”
Your thoughts, beliefs, and judgments have affected the ways you both habitually reacted in the past. Your minds kept you stuck in old patterns. You are learning how to relate from your hearts, where you’re open to insight, wisdom, and ultimately infinite possibilities.
If you are willing to look at your belief system and edit and revise some of your thoughts and judgments, there is a chance for a new and improved relationship to be created. As author Wayne Dyer said, “When we change the way we look at something, what we look at changes.” You can change your relationship by changing the way you look at it—starting now. Instead of reacting from your Parts, you relate from your highest and best SELF. If you are willing to put down your walls and stop looking through the filter of your judgments, you create a new beginning. You can give up the old habits and patterns and view yourself and your partner with more love and compassion. This will change your perspective and your relationship. If you treat your partner with compassion and kindness instead of judgment or blame, you will be pleasantly surprised at their reaction.
The decision to let your walls down takes courage. It takes SELF-leadership and patience. As Sam Keen has said, “We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” It helps if you always remember you are both doing the best you know how to do based on your level of awareness in this present moment.
You can learn the currency of your partners need for love. Does she like to be touched, hear words of endearment, need more attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance? When you give him what he wants and needs, rather than what you wish he would give you, he often learns how to reciprocate in your preferred language of love. Compassionate Communication helps you navigate these discussions so that you both feel heard, seen, respected, and loved.
When you feel more loving, you feel more loved. It can happen in an instant. Give it a try. To learn more, please go here.
Anyone experiencing or ever touched by divorce has suffered a loss that was unexpected and devastating. You may be losing your marriage, but you now have the opportunity to find yourself, possibly for the first time in your life. Grieving the losses and feeling your feelings are necessary parts of the process of divorce. But also hold onto the reality that from this point on, your life may offer miracles you may never have dared to dream.
I have come to believe that there is a divine plan for our lives and we do not always understand it as we stumble along our paths. There are things that we are meant to learn, and the universe will give us subtle nudges, stronger hints, overt messages and finally some cataclysmic blows to get our attention to make the changes toward authenticity and self empowerment.
Divorce is the “dark night of the soul” which can either leave you a victim or a more authentic human being, capable of connecting with your Higher Power and true Self.
Divorce is a death – the death of a marriage, the death of a dream – which must be grieved and mourned just like any other demise. Too often people who have never experienced it themselves have no true concept of the enormity of the loss and pain and sadness that accompanies a divorce. It would be helpful if others would treat you with the same amount of deference, empathy and respect that widows and widowers are given when they lose their spouse.
Not only do you lose the spouse, but the dream, the security, the finances, the families, the friends, and often you miss your children on half the holidays for the rest of your life.
Sometimes divorce feels like you are going to your own funeral and being surprised at who doesn’t show up.
Just as people react to a death of a person, you have similar reactions to the death of your marriage.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross described those emotions as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
That translates into:
Denial: “This isn’t happening to me.”
Anger: “Damn it this is happening to me!”
Bargaining: “If I am very good or do this or don’t do that, this won’t happen to me.”
Depression: “Oh G-d, this is happening to me.”
Acceptance: “Thank G-d for what I learned because this happened to me.”
Each divorce is the most painful. Whether there were drugs or alcohol, abuse, infidelity, or the standard “irreconcilable differences,” the pain is intense because it is happening to you and it wasn’t supposed to happen to you. But it has, so what do you do now?
You balance the grieving with the growing, the hurting with the healing, and the losing with the loving – starting with loving yourself. To learn more, please click here.
My heart goes out to you. Anyone experiencing or ever touched by divorce has suffered a loss that was unexpected and devastating. You may be losing your marriage, but you now have the opportunity to find yourself, possibly for the first time in your life. Grieving the losses and feeling your feelings are necessary parts of the process of divorce. But also hold onto the reality that from this point on, your life may offer miracles you may never have dared to dream.
I have come to believe that there is a divine plan for our lives and we do not always understand it as we stumble along our paths. There are things that we are meant to learn, and the universe will give us subtle nudges, stronger hints, overt messages and finally some cataclysmic blows to get our attention to make the changes toward authenticity and self empowerment.
Divorce is the “dark night of the soul” which can either leave you a victim or a more authentic human being, capable of connecting with your Higher Power and true Self.
Divorce is a death – the death of a marriage, the death of a dream – which must be grieved and mourned just like any other demise. Too often people who have never experienced it themselves have no true concept of the enormity of the loss and pain and sadness that accompanies a divorce. It would be helpful if others would treat you with the same amount of deference, empathy and respect that widows and widowers are given when they lose their spouse.
Not only do you lose the spouse, but the dream, the security, the finances, the families, the friends, and often you miss your children on half the holidays for the rest of your life.
Sometimes divorce feels like you are going to your own funeral and being surprised at who doesn’t show up.
Just as people react to a death of a person, you have similar reactions to the death of your marriage. Elizabeth Kubler Ross described those emotions as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. That translates into:
Denial: “This isn’t happening to me.”
Anger: “Damn it this is happening to me!”
Bargaining: “If I am very good or do this or don’t do that, this won’t happen to me.”
Depression: “Oh G-d, this is happening to me.”
Acceptance: “Thank G-d for what I learned because this happened to me.”
Each divorce is the most painful. Whether there were drugs or alcohol, abuse, infidelity, or the standard “irreconcilable differences,” the pain is intense because it is happening to you and it wasn’t supposed to happen to you. But it has, so what do you do now?
You balance the grieving with the growing, the hurting with the healing, and the losing with the loving – starting with loving yourself. To learn more, please click here.
To live my life with peace, that is my goal.
To live in peace – within and without, that is my prayer.
Inner peace brings joy.
There is a calm that transcends any external happening.
There is no striving, just peaceful acceptance.
It is showing up in the moment, without effort or judgment.
It is being open, without fear or pain.
Peace is a healthier way to live.
It decresase physical problems, lowers blood pressure, reduces stress.
Peace is infectious.
It is contagious.
It is spread by virtue of its presence.
It creates a haven into which a soul can reside.
And there meet other souls searching for connection.
I am grateful for the peace I now feel.
I am grateful for all that I am learning and still to learn.
I am grateful for all I have and all that I can share.
Many marriages end because one or both parties don’t know they have other options. You can take the time to learn Compassionate Communication and create something new and better together — whatever the form will take.
Often there is one partner who believes that it is “too late” to save the relationship. It is never too late!
Sometimes, one party feels neglected or ignored, as their partner focused on a career or the children. Hurt can manifest as anger or withdrawal, and finally becomes a wall that seems insurmountable.
However, there can be reason for hope even in the face of quiet (or vocal) desperation.
If one person in a relationship is willing to work to save it, a new union can emerge. Perhaps your “first marriage” is over. It’s not about fixing it or settling for what you have, but beginning to create a new relationship that meets both your needs. Who are you now? What is important to you both? And are you willing and able to give the other what you each want and need?”
“I can’t get his attention. I’ve told him how unhappy I am, and he doesn’t seem to notice or care.”
One party might offer love in the form of financial contribution and support. It can be the currency of their caring. However, the other partner may need more time together, shared conversations, attention and affection. The manner in which those needs are expressed may sound needy, whining, or demanding. Learning how to express your needs without judgment or blame is a skill that can be learned. It begins with “I” messages, and includes words like “sad, hurt, rejected and abandoned”. You might find yourself more sad than angry, but being more vulnerable instead of judgmental will help to break the cycle of arguments and distancing.
“I try so hard to please her and she never seems happy.”
After a decade or two (or more) of working long hours, one party may feel the brunt of the financial responsibility for the family. Often they become burned out, overwhelmed with the duties, but afraid to ask for help. They also feel “sad, hurt, and abandoned” when their spouses feel dissatisfied with the life that their work has provided. Then they build walls, too, walls to block out the criticism and anger that is coming their way. They may not have the tools to confront the issues in a healthy way, so they may work more or find other activities to keep them busy and out of harm’s way.
Where there’s life, there’s hope.
Separation or divorce is often contemplated as the solution, and in some cases, that may seem like the only way out. However, learning how to communicate with empathy and compassion can heal wounds that have been festering for years. And if the relationship is meant to end, you can both do the work you need to let go with kindness. Even if the relationship is over, and you are already divorced, you can still create a better method of communication. All that is needed is one willing participant.
“I’ve already done all the work. I don’t want to do any more.”
“I don’t want to be compassionate when I’m so hurt and angry.”
Take the time you need to learn how to communicate with compassion. And the compassion begins with your SELF. It takes a lot of energy and effort to maintain the barricades you might have erected around your heart. Allow yourself to tear down your barriers, put down your weapons, express your sadness, and begin to ask for what you need as you set appropriate boundaries.
As you learn to listen to all parts of yourself – the sad, scared, hurt, angry – you can speak FOR them, and not FROM them, which makes the dialogue much more heart-centered. And as you learn to be compassionate towards your own feelings, you begin to manifest that compassion towards your partner. It’s in that field of empathy that miracles can happen.
“We’ve tried counseling and it didn’t work. I don’t want to do anymore.”
You can always get divorced, but if you got divorced tomorrow, you’d still carry the burden of all those unexpressed feelings. You might meet someone else who will trigger you in just the same way your partner does. You won’t be “wasting time” to allow yourself one more attempt to create something new with the other parent of your children. You can also heal wounds that pre-dated the marriage, which you might be carrying from your family of origin.
”What can I do now?”
Give yourself the gift of Compassionate Mediation®. It just takes one person to begin to improve a relationship.
The only person you can ever change is yourself. If your partner is not ready or willing to participate, begin the process on your own. There is no need to suffer. Help is available. The tools you will learn can enhance the quality of your life and improve all your relationships. You and your family are worth it.
It’s never too late to create something new! I’m here to help!
Linda’s Suggestions for Talking with Your Children about Your Separation or Divorce
Choose a time to tell the children when you can be together. If you have children of various ages, you may tell them at different times as your conversations not be the same. Whether you tell all the children at the same time, you should both be together whenever you tell any child.
Sometimes, you first tell your children that you are planning to separate. This can be less painful than the “divorce discussion”, but often a “separation” is just a euphemism for divorce. Use “separation” if it applies to the following:
Plan what you are going to say, and who is going to say what. It probably won’t go as planned, but if you have talked about it first, then you can feel a little more secure that one or both of you will know what to say. Or what not to say. Also, saying it aloud for the first time without the children present may allow you to cry or feel your feelings before you meet with them. The more calm you are when you speak to your children, the more calm they can be. The more respectful you can each be of the other creates the most safety for your children.
Remember that the greatest gift you can give your children is to minimize conflict between you. Much has been written about the aftermath of divorce and how it adversely affects your children. By the time you are ready to have this discussion, you may have exhausted your possibilities of reconciliation. I believe that the most harm to our children comes from the pain we inflict on our spouses. The more we show compassion and respect, the more we enhance the quality of our children’s lives.
Plan a time that you can talk about your plans to divorce, and then have time afterwards to process the discussion. Don’t tell them when the children have to go somewhere right after the talk. You wouldn’t tell your teenager before she goes to a party, nor would you tell your younger children right before they leave for school. Sometimes parents have planned to take the children to a park, have dinner together, or do something afterwards that can assure your children that you can all be friendly during and after this process. This may feel impossible to you, so just structure the timing that you can both be available to your children after the talk.
Tell your children that you want to talk with them. Sometimes, before you say anything, your children will say “you’re getting divorced”. Other times, they know and don’t believe it or feel that if they don’t speak about it then it can’t be real.
Let them know that you love them and you will both always be there for them. Children get scared at the idea of divorce, just as you do. Knowing that they will always have love from both of you can make them feel safer.
Assure them this is not their fault. Children tend to think they did something wrong or might have caused the break up.
You can say that you have some issues between the two of you that made you both decide you were going to get divorced. Even though one of you might have brought up divorce before your spouse, very few people want to be married to someone who does not want to be married to them. Whether you realize it yet or not, there were factors in your relationship that made it difficult for both of you. Probably neither one of you has been happy for a long time.
It is not your children’s business to know what your “issues” are. This is where boundaries in the discussion are very important. Whether there has been an affair, an addiction, or abuse, it is not necessary to talk about it now (or possibly ever) with them. The reasons are your reasons, and telling them just allows one of you to vent at your children’s expense.
They will ask what those reasons are. You and gently, but firmly, let them know that you will not be telling. them. You will have to be consistent with this, as they will continue to ask even after the talk. It will often take a great deal of restraint and maturity for you to hold this boundary. You might want to them “your side of the story”. However, there are always two sides to a story, and the children do not need to be in the middle of it.
Remember that anything negative you say about the other parent reverberates in your children’s hearts. You are speaking about 50% of who they are. A judgment of your spouse implicitly becomes a criticism of them as well.
Tell them that you will always be available to discuss their feelings with them. Let them know that it is normal to feel sad, scared, angry, hurt, and that they can talk to both of you at any time about what they are feeling.
Don’t make your children your confidantes. You are there to listen to them, but they do not have to be burdened with your emotions. Many sensitive children take it on as their responsibility to help Mommy or Daddy and “make them happy”. This scenario should be avoided at all costs. (Alice Walker’s Drama of the Gifted Child addresses the issues that arise for children who think they must be caretakers of their parents.)
Let them know that you will take care of yourself and they don’t have to take care of you. You can tell them that you are seeing a counselor, have joined a support group, or have many friends who are there to assist you.
If it seems helpful at this time, tell them about “Rainbows”, a place where they can talk about their feelings with other children who are going through the same thing. Rainbows (www.rainbows.org) is an international organization started by Suzy Yehl Marta to help children whose parents were going through a divorce. Rainbows offers free support groups that are age appropriate in your neighborhood. These groups last six weeks and are facilitated by trained volunteers.
Answer their questions that are their concerns. Your children may want to know where they will be living, what school they will attend, who will be leaving the house and when, where will the other parent live, when will they see them. To the extent that you know the answers, let your children have this information. Whatever questions are still unanswered, tell them you will let them know as soon as you make those decisions.
Ask them if they want to talk about their feelings now. They may cry, they may yell, they may want to go out and play with their friends. Don’t be surprised at any response. Just be there to hear them and to hold them.
When the talk is over, you can go somewhere in private to process your own tears, or your relief. And then go do something nurturing with your children, or if they are not available, then nurturing to yourself.
One of the hardest parts is over. Now you can live congruently and compassionately.
You don’t have to hide the reality, and now your children can begin to talk about their feelings, fears, concerns. It will usually be a relief to you because you don’t have to hide anything from them any more.
Your children may have questions in the future. Let them know they can ask you about issues that pertain to them. And keep your boundaries clear.
