Anyone experiencing or ever touched by divorce has suffered a loss that was unexpected and devastating. You may be losing your marriage, but you now have the opportunity to find yourself, possibly for the first time in your life. Grieving the losses and feeling your feelings are necessary parts of the process of divorce. But also hold onto the reality that from this point on, your life may offer miracles you may never have dared to dream.
I have come to believe that there is a divine plan for our lives and we do not always understand it as we stumble along our paths. There are things that we are meant to learn, and the universe will give us subtle nudges, stronger hints, overt messages and finally some cataclysmic blows to get our attention to make the changes toward authenticity and self empowerment.
Divorce is the “dark night of the soul” which can either leave you a victim or a more authentic human being, capable of connecting with your Higher Power and true Self.
Divorce is a death – the death of a marriage, the death of a dream – which must be grieved and mourned just like any other demise. Too often people who have never experienced it themselves have no true concept of the enormity of the loss and pain and sadness that accompanies a divorce. It would be helpful if others would treat you with the same amount of deference, empathy and respect that widows and widowers are given when they lose their spouse.
Not only do you lose the spouse, but the dream, the security, the finances, the families, the friends, and often you miss your children on half the holidays for the rest of your life.
Sometimes divorce feels like you are going to your own funeral and being surprised at who doesn’t show up.
Just as people react to a death of a person, you have similar reactions to the death of your marriage.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross described those emotions as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
That translates into:
Denial: “This isn’t happening to me.”
Anger: “Damn it this is happening to me!”
Bargaining: “If I am very good or do this or don’t do that, this won’t happen to me.”
Depression: “Oh G-d, this is happening to me.”
Acceptance: “Thank G-d for what I learned because this happened to me.”
Each divorce is the most painful. Whether there were drugs or alcohol, abuse, infidelity, or the standard “irreconcilable differences,” the pain is intense because it is happening to you and it wasn’t supposed to happen to you. But it has, so what do you do now?
You balance the grieving with the growing, the hurting with the healing, and the losing with the loving – starting with loving yourself. To learn more, please click here.
My heart goes out to you. Anyone experiencing or ever touched by divorce has suffered a loss that was unexpected and devastating. You may be losing your marriage, but you now have the opportunity to find yourself, possibly for the first time in your life. Grieving the losses and feeling your feelings are necessary parts of the process of divorce. But also hold onto the reality that from this point on, your life may offer miracles you may never have dared to dream.
I have come to believe that there is a divine plan for our lives and we do not always understand it as we stumble along our paths. There are things that we are meant to learn, and the universe will give us subtle nudges, stronger hints, overt messages and finally some cataclysmic blows to get our attention to make the changes toward authenticity and self empowerment.
Divorce is the “dark night of the soul” which can either leave you a victim or a more authentic human being, capable of connecting with your Higher Power and true Self.
Divorce is a death – the death of a marriage, the death of a dream – which must be grieved and mourned just like any other demise. Too often people who have never experienced it themselves have no true concept of the enormity of the loss and pain and sadness that accompanies a divorce. It would be helpful if others would treat you with the same amount of deference, empathy and respect that widows and widowers are given when they lose their spouse.
Not only do you lose the spouse, but the dream, the security, the finances, the families, the friends, and often you miss your children on half the holidays for the rest of your life.
Sometimes divorce feels like you are going to your own funeral and being surprised at who doesn’t show up.
Just as people react to a death of a person, you have similar reactions to the death of your marriage. Elizabeth Kubler Ross described those emotions as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. That translates into:
Denial: “This isn’t happening to me.”
Anger: “Damn it this is happening to me!”
Bargaining: “If I am very good or do this or don’t do that, this won’t happen to me.”
Depression: “Oh G-d, this is happening to me.”
Acceptance: “Thank G-d for what I learned because this happened to me.”
Each divorce is the most painful. Whether there were drugs or alcohol, abuse, infidelity, or the standard “irreconcilable differences,” the pain is intense because it is happening to you and it wasn’t supposed to happen to you. But it has, so what do you do now?
You balance the grieving with the growing, the hurting with the healing, and the losing with the loving – starting with loving yourself. To learn more, please click here.
Many marriages end because one or both parties don’t know they have other options. You can take the time to learn Compassionate Communication and create something new and better together — whatever the form will take.
Often there is one partner who believes that it is “too late” to save the relationship. It is never too late!
Sometimes, one party feels neglected or ignored, as their partner focused on a career or the children. Hurt can manifest as anger or withdrawal, and finally becomes a wall that seems insurmountable.
However, there can be reason for hope even in the face of quiet (or vocal) desperation.
If one person in a relationship is willing to work to save it, a new union can emerge. Perhaps your “first marriage” is over. It’s not about fixing it or settling for what you have, but beginning to create a new relationship that meets both your needs. Who are you now? What is important to you both? And are you willing and able to give the other what you each want and need?”
“I can’t get his attention. I’ve told him how unhappy I am, and he doesn’t seem to notice or care.”
One party might offer love in the form of financial contribution and support. It can be the currency of their caring. However, the other partner may need more time together, shared conversations, attention and affection. The manner in which those needs are expressed may sound needy, whining, or demanding. Learning how to express your needs without judgment or blame is a skill that can be learned. It begins with “I” messages, and includes words like “sad, hurt, rejected and abandoned”. You might find yourself more sad than angry, but being more vulnerable instead of judgmental will help to break the cycle of arguments and distancing.
“I try so hard to please her and she never seems happy.”
After a decade or two (or more) of working long hours, one party may feel the brunt of the financial responsibility for the family. Often they become burned out, overwhelmed with the duties, but afraid to ask for help. They also feel “sad, hurt, and abandoned” when their spouses feel dissatisfied with the life that their work has provided. Then they build walls, too, walls to block out the criticism and anger that is coming their way. They may not have the tools to confront the issues in a healthy way, so they may work more or find other activities to keep them busy and out of harm’s way.
Where there’s life, there’s hope.
Separation or divorce is often contemplated as the solution, and in some cases, that may seem like the only way out. However, learning how to communicate with empathy and compassion can heal wounds that have been festering for years. And if the relationship is meant to end, you can both do the work you need to let go with kindness. Even if the relationship is over, and you are already divorced, you can still create a better method of communication. All that is needed is one willing participant.
“I’ve already done all the work. I don’t want to do any more.”
“I don’t want to be compassionate when I’m so hurt and angry.”
Take the time you need to learn how to communicate with compassion. And the compassion begins with your SELF. It takes a lot of energy and effort to maintain the barricades you might have erected around your heart. Allow yourself to tear down your barriers, put down your weapons, express your sadness, and begin to ask for what you need as you set appropriate boundaries.
As you learn to listen to all parts of yourself – the sad, scared, hurt, angry – you can speak FOR them, and not FROM them, which makes the dialogue much more heart-centered. And as you learn to be compassionate towards your own feelings, you begin to manifest that compassion towards your partner. It’s in that field of empathy that miracles can happen.
“We’ve tried counseling and it didn’t work. I don’t want to do anymore.”
You can always get divorced, but if you got divorced tomorrow, you’d still carry the burden of all those unexpressed feelings. You might meet someone else who will trigger you in just the same way your partner does. You won’t be “wasting time” to allow yourself one more attempt to create something new with the other parent of your children. You can also heal wounds that pre-dated the marriage, which you might be carrying from your family of origin.
”What can I do now?”
Give yourself the gift of Compassionate Mediation®. It just takes one person to begin to improve a relationship.
The only person you can ever change is yourself. If your partner is not ready or willing to participate, begin the process on your own. There is no need to suffer. Help is available. The tools you will learn can enhance the quality of your life and improve all your relationships. You and your family are worth it.
It’s never too late to create something new! I’m here to help!
Countless couples play out their emotional dramas without regard to the collateral damage they inflict on their innocent and loving children. Two people who once cared enough to promise to love and cherish “until death do them part” can also learn to fear and despise each other after years of pain and unmet needs.
These hurting individuals need compassion for the profound sadness underneath the rage. No matter how far apart a man and wife can become emotionally and physically, their children are caught in the middle and continue to feel the strife.
Families do not have to be “broken”, but can be peacefully and respectfully re-structured.
Whether you are stuck in an emotionally abusive situation, considering a divorce, in the middle of one, or long past the date of dissolution, if you are still angry and/or anxious in the company of your (ex)spouse, there is healing that can be done.
It starts with compassion – for yourself at first, and then eventually for your (former) partner. No matter what the reasons are that cause a union to terminate, there is pain and sadness and fear on both sides. Learning how to acknowledge those feelings, and to be met with empathy and understanding, is a gift you give your whole family, beginning with yourself.
Your children will only have one biological mother and father, no matter how many other partners are introduced into their lives. Children of all ages seek on some level to have a “happy family”. If you can’t find a way to live with the other parent, you can find a way to connect with civility, courtesy, and even kindness. Healing can happen, and it starts with you.
“Why should I have to do any more work? I was always the only one who cared enough to try harder!”
The work you do is ultimately for your own personal growth. With or without your (former) partner present, you can explore the origins of your own pain and anger, and learn how to relay your needs in words that don’t sound blaming or judgmental. You can learn how to calmly talk about your sadness and your fears, even if the end result is a decision to leave your marriage.
And if your divorce has already been finalized, you can find a way to reframe your experience so that it becomes a catalyst for forgiveness and a healthy letting go of pain. As you heal, your children benefit from your inner peace. And then you are truly free to go on with your own life, unburdened from the wounds of your past.
Divorce is the death of a dream.
None of us ever plans to get divorced, and when it happens, the grieving must be done. Calcifying our loss with indifference, resentments, or cut-offs only exacerbates the heartache our children bear. Learning how to relate to the other parent with dignity and respect is a priceless gift of love to your child. Divorce itself does not cause the damage. It is the parental conflict that leaves the lifelong wounds.
Losing My Marriage, Finding My Self
Victim or empowered? The choice is yours. You can exit a marriage with grace, no matter how long it’s been since you first said “I do”. And it is never too late to begin. The first step you take is the path to your authentic Self, a state of calm, clarity, compassion, creativity, courage, and confidence.
Counseling and/or Mediation
Alone or together, you can make decisions that will affect the rest of your life. Whether you begin with counseling and eventually end with mediation, you and your spouse can calmly discuss all issues in a compassionate way to lead to a peaceful and respectful resolution.
Post-divorce, healing can still be accomplished, with or without your former partner present. How did he/she remind you of your mother/father? What issues did you bring to the relationship? What can you learn to help you form more positive relationships in the future?
The Miracle of Empathy
Understanding and forgiving yourself and each other, and dealing with any feelings in the way of forgiveness, charts your course towards emotional liberation. As unbelievable as it may seem to you now, your future can be filled with peace and joy, and your children can have the benefit of parents who can both be present at important times in their lives. (If you don’t think it matters to your children any longer, just ask them.)
You owe it to your “re-structured family”, and to yourself, to be open to the possibility of a healthier relationship. It only takes one to start the process. You will be amazed at the difference it will make in all of your lives.
There once was a lady who thought she was crazy
Her life seemed so dreadful and horrid.
Her head in a whirl, instead of a curl,
Was a “D” in the middle of her forehead.
Her work load oppressive, obligations excessive,
Her life felt just out of control.
She drove into trees, lost her wallet and keys,
Had a heartache no pill could console.
If mad, sad or mean, the “D” was not seen,
Though she wished her whole world would help bear
All the grief, fear and pains, that her life now contains,
As they offered support, love and care.
But she suffers alone, calling friends on the phone,
Seeking solace, compassion, and aid,
Just an ear, hand or shoulder will help with the boulder
That leaves her so lost and afraid.
Though she’s filled with self doubt, the “D” will fade out.
For just when she’s sure nothing’s worse.
The time will be done, and her new life begun.
She’s finally through her divorce.
