Divorce is one of life’s major stressors, but perhaps “wondering if you should get a divorce” can sometimes be more stressful than actually making a decision and moving forward. When you finally decide whether to stay or go, you can confidently move in that one direction. When you are not sure what you want to do, life becomes a series of vastly different possibilities, each with its own set of fears and concerns.
You might wonder, “What if I stay and it never gets any better?” You then project a lifetime where you are stuck in a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs and brings out the worst version of your self.
Perhaps you worry, “What if I leave and I’m all alone and broke and without my children?” You begin to picture all the horrors that are possible, and turn around and vacillate some more. The stress of indecision and procrastination, feeling stuck and overwhelmed is often worse than making a choice. Author Anais Nin has said, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” You have your own choice to make. You can stay where you are or you can explore the possibilities of change.
The constant uncertainty, vacillation, and ambivalence make it hard for you to be present in a calm and peaceful way. You are constantly worrying about your future, concentrating on what is wrong with the present, and ruminating about the pain from the past. All of that behavior increases the feelings of stress that affect your emotional, psychological and physical health. Divorce is almost as stressful as the death of a loved one. It is a different kind of death—the death of a relationship, the death of a marriage, and often the most difficult, the death of a dream.
Explore All Your Options
Compassionate Mediation is a process that helps you either add passion to your marriage or compassion to your divorce. You don’t have to spend years “on the fence” in an unhappy or dysfunctional relationship. You can learn how to speak your truth courageously and set healthy boundaries confidently. You will discover what you truly want and need, believe that you deserve to be happy and fulfilled, and learn how to ask respectfully, receive graciously, and share your gratitude. You will begin to experience more love in your life, even if it means you give it to yourself.
You will learn how to become more empathetic and considerate—first for yourself, and then your partner. You will know how to ask for and get your needs met and forgive yourself and each other. You will remember how to be grateful again for what you do share, and learn how to reflect the attention, affection, appreciation, and acceptance you both desire—no matter the outcome.
You will learn that it’s not always what you say but how you say it. You will experience the healing power of “thank you” and “I’m sorry.” You will safely explore all your options to re-structure your family peacefully and respectfully.
Remember Who You Truly Are
The French philosopher Teilhard de Chardin said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” You can always tune in to who you truly are, underneath your thoughts, feelings, and past experiences. You can connect with what I believe is your divine spiritual nature in the midst of your human experiences. You become more conscious, aware, mindful—in other words, more “SELF-led.” You learn how to choose your responses, your behavior, and your future decisions from your highest and best SELF. Becoming more conscious and SELF-led in your relationship allows you to focus on the higher good for all concerned, and then relate compassionately to heal and transform the dynamics between you and your partner.
In her new book of the same title, Katherine Woodard has described her process of “Conscious Uncoupling” as a loving way to end a marriage. When you are in SELF, you can also choose to consciously couple in a way that leads to more intimacy, passion, connection and fun. You will feel more balanced, peaceful, openhearted, open-minded, and present.
Create the Relationship You Desire and Deserve!
No two relationships are alike. If you take a moment to tell me about yours, I can offer you solutions to help you make the changes you need now.
Anyone experiencing or ever touched by divorce has suffered a loss that was unexpected and devastating. You may be losing your marriage, but you now have the opportunity to find yourself, possibly for the first time in your life. Grieving the losses and feeling your feelings are necessary parts of the process of divorce. But also hold onto the reality that from this point on, your life may offer miracles you may never have dared to dream.
I have come to believe that there is a divine plan for our lives and we do not always understand it as we stumble along our paths. There are things that we are meant to learn, and the universe will give us subtle nudges, stronger hints, overt messages and finally some cataclysmic blows to get our attention to make the changes toward authenticity and self empowerment.
Divorce is the “dark night of the soul” which can either leave you a victim or a more authentic human being, capable of connecting with your Higher Power and true Self.
Divorce is a death – the death of a marriage, the death of a dream – which must be grieved and mourned just like any other demise. Too often people who have never experienced it themselves have no true concept of the enormity of the loss and pain and sadness that accompanies a divorce. It would be helpful if others would treat you with the same amount of deference, empathy and respect that widows and widowers are given when they lose their spouse.
Not only do you lose the spouse, but the dream, the security, the finances, the families, the friends, and often you miss your children on half the holidays for the rest of your life.
Sometimes divorce feels like you are going to your own funeral and being surprised at who doesn’t show up.
Just as people react to a death of a person, you have similar reactions to the death of your marriage.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross described those emotions as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
That translates into:
Denial: “This isn’t happening to me.”
Anger: “Damn it this is happening to me!”
Bargaining: “If I am very good or do this or don’t do that, this won’t happen to me.”
Depression: “Oh G-d, this is happening to me.”
Acceptance: “Thank G-d for what I learned because this happened to me.”
Each divorce is the most painful. Whether there were drugs or alcohol, abuse, infidelity, or the standard “irreconcilable differences,” the pain is intense because it is happening to you and it wasn’t supposed to happen to you. But it has, so what do you do now?
You balance the grieving with the growing, the hurting with the healing, and the losing with the loving – starting with loving yourself. To learn more, please click here.
My heart goes out to you. Anyone experiencing or ever touched by divorce has suffered a loss that was unexpected and devastating. You may be losing your marriage, but you now have the opportunity to find yourself, possibly for the first time in your life. Grieving the losses and feeling your feelings are necessary parts of the process of divorce. But also hold onto the reality that from this point on, your life may offer miracles you may never have dared to dream.
I have come to believe that there is a divine plan for our lives and we do not always understand it as we stumble along our paths. There are things that we are meant to learn, and the universe will give us subtle nudges, stronger hints, overt messages and finally some cataclysmic blows to get our attention to make the changes toward authenticity and self empowerment.
Divorce is the “dark night of the soul” which can either leave you a victim or a more authentic human being, capable of connecting with your Higher Power and true Self.
Divorce is a death – the death of a marriage, the death of a dream – which must be grieved and mourned just like any other demise. Too often people who have never experienced it themselves have no true concept of the enormity of the loss and pain and sadness that accompanies a divorce. It would be helpful if others would treat you with the same amount of deference, empathy and respect that widows and widowers are given when they lose their spouse.
Not only do you lose the spouse, but the dream, the security, the finances, the families, the friends, and often you miss your children on half the holidays for the rest of your life.
Sometimes divorce feels like you are going to your own funeral and being surprised at who doesn’t show up.
Just as people react to a death of a person, you have similar reactions to the death of your marriage. Elizabeth Kubler Ross described those emotions as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. That translates into:
Denial: “This isn’t happening to me.”
Anger: “Damn it this is happening to me!”
Bargaining: “If I am very good or do this or don’t do that, this won’t happen to me.”
Depression: “Oh G-d, this is happening to me.”
Acceptance: “Thank G-d for what I learned because this happened to me.”
Each divorce is the most painful. Whether there were drugs or alcohol, abuse, infidelity, or the standard “irreconcilable differences,” the pain is intense because it is happening to you and it wasn’t supposed to happen to you. But it has, so what do you do now?
You balance the grieving with the growing, the hurting with the healing, and the losing with the loving – starting with loving yourself. To learn more, please click here.
Many marriages end because one or both parties don’t know they have other options. You can take the time to learn Compassionate Communication and create something new and better together — whatever the form will take.
Often there is one partner who believes that it is “too late” to save the relationship. It is never too late!
Sometimes, one party feels neglected or ignored, as their partner focused on a career or the children. Hurt can manifest as anger or withdrawal, and finally becomes a wall that seems insurmountable.
However, there can be reason for hope even in the face of quiet (or vocal) desperation.
If one person in a relationship is willing to work to save it, a new union can emerge. Perhaps your “first marriage” is over. It’s not about fixing it or settling for what you have, but beginning to create a new relationship that meets both your needs. Who are you now? What is important to you both? And are you willing and able to give the other what you each want and need?”
“I can’t get his attention. I’ve told him how unhappy I am, and he doesn’t seem to notice or care.”
One party might offer love in the form of financial contribution and support. It can be the currency of their caring. However, the other partner may need more time together, shared conversations, attention and affection. The manner in which those needs are expressed may sound needy, whining, or demanding. Learning how to express your needs without judgment or blame is a skill that can be learned. It begins with “I” messages, and includes words like “sad, hurt, rejected and abandoned”. You might find yourself more sad than angry, but being more vulnerable instead of judgmental will help to break the cycle of arguments and distancing.
“I try so hard to please her and she never seems happy.”
After a decade or two (or more) of working long hours, one party may feel the brunt of the financial responsibility for the family. Often they become burned out, overwhelmed with the duties, but afraid to ask for help. They also feel “sad, hurt, and abandoned” when their spouses feel dissatisfied with the life that their work has provided. Then they build walls, too, walls to block out the criticism and anger that is coming their way. They may not have the tools to confront the issues in a healthy way, so they may work more or find other activities to keep them busy and out of harm’s way.
Where there’s life, there’s hope.
Separation or divorce is often contemplated as the solution, and in some cases, that may seem like the only way out. However, learning how to communicate with empathy and compassion can heal wounds that have been festering for years. And if the relationship is meant to end, you can both do the work you need to let go with kindness. Even if the relationship is over, and you are already divorced, you can still create a better method of communication. All that is needed is one willing participant.
“I’ve already done all the work. I don’t want to do any more.”
“I don’t want to be compassionate when I’m so hurt and angry.”
Take the time you need to learn how to communicate with compassion. And the compassion begins with your SELF. It takes a lot of energy and effort to maintain the barricades you might have erected around your heart. Allow yourself to tear down your barriers, put down your weapons, express your sadness, and begin to ask for what you need as you set appropriate boundaries.
As you learn to listen to all parts of yourself – the sad, scared, hurt, angry – you can speak FOR them, and not FROM them, which makes the dialogue much more heart-centered. And as you learn to be compassionate towards your own feelings, you begin to manifest that compassion towards your partner. It’s in that field of empathy that miracles can happen.
“We’ve tried counseling and it didn’t work. I don’t want to do anymore.”
You can always get divorced, but if you got divorced tomorrow, you’d still carry the burden of all those unexpressed feelings. You might meet someone else who will trigger you in just the same way your partner does. You won’t be “wasting time” to allow yourself one more attempt to create something new with the other parent of your children. You can also heal wounds that pre-dated the marriage, which you might be carrying from your family of origin.
”What can I do now?”
Give yourself the gift of Compassionate Mediation®. It just takes one person to begin to improve a relationship.
The only person you can ever change is yourself. If your partner is not ready or willing to participate, begin the process on your own. There is no need to suffer. Help is available. The tools you will learn can enhance the quality of your life and improve all your relationships. You and your family are worth it.
It’s never too late to create something new! I’m here to help!
Linda’s Suggestions for Talking with Your Children about Your Separation or Divorce
Choose a time to tell the children when you can be together. If you have children of various ages, you may tell them at different times as your conversations not be the same. Whether you tell all the children at the same time, you should both be together whenever you tell any child.
Sometimes, you first tell your children that you are planning to separate. This can be less painful than the “divorce discussion”, but often a “separation” is just a euphemism for divorce. Use “separation” if it applies to the following:
Plan what you are going to say, and who is going to say what. It probably won’t go as planned, but if you have talked about it first, then you can feel a little more secure that one or both of you will know what to say. Or what not to say. Also, saying it aloud for the first time without the children present may allow you to cry or feel your feelings before you meet with them. The more calm you are when you speak to your children, the more calm they can be. The more respectful you can each be of the other creates the most safety for your children.
Remember that the greatest gift you can give your children is to minimize conflict between you. Much has been written about the aftermath of divorce and how it adversely affects your children. By the time you are ready to have this discussion, you may have exhausted your possibilities of reconciliation. I believe that the most harm to our children comes from the pain we inflict on our spouses. The more we show compassion and respect, the more we enhance the quality of our children’s lives.
Plan a time that you can talk about your plans to divorce, and then have time afterwards to process the discussion. Don’t tell them when the children have to go somewhere right after the talk. You wouldn’t tell your teenager before she goes to a party, nor would you tell your younger children right before they leave for school. Sometimes parents have planned to take the children to a park, have dinner together, or do something afterwards that can assure your children that you can all be friendly during and after this process. This may feel impossible to you, so just structure the timing that you can both be available to your children after the talk.
Tell your children that you want to talk with them. Sometimes, before you say anything, your children will say “you’re getting divorced”. Other times, they know and don’t believe it or feel that if they don’t speak about it then it can’t be real.
Let them know that you love them and you will both always be there for them. Children get scared at the idea of divorce, just as you do. Knowing that they will always have love from both of you can make them feel safer.
Assure them this is not their fault. Children tend to think they did something wrong or might have caused the break up.
You can say that you have some issues between the two of you that made you both decide you were going to get divorced. Even though one of you might have brought up divorce before your spouse, very few people want to be married to someone who does not want to be married to them. Whether you realize it yet or not, there were factors in your relationship that made it difficult for both of you. Probably neither one of you has been happy for a long time.
It is not your children’s business to know what your “issues” are. This is where boundaries in the discussion are very important. Whether there has been an affair, an addiction, or abuse, it is not necessary to talk about it now (or possibly ever) with them. The reasons are your reasons, and telling them just allows one of you to vent at your children’s expense.
They will ask what those reasons are. You and gently, but firmly, let them know that you will not be telling. them. You will have to be consistent with this, as they will continue to ask even after the talk. It will often take a great deal of restraint and maturity for you to hold this boundary. You might want to them “your side of the story”. However, there are always two sides to a story, and the children do not need to be in the middle of it.
Remember that anything negative you say about the other parent reverberates in your children’s hearts. You are speaking about 50% of who they are. A judgment of your spouse implicitly becomes a criticism of them as well.
Tell them that you will always be available to discuss their feelings with them. Let them know that it is normal to feel sad, scared, angry, hurt, and that they can talk to both of you at any time about what they are feeling.
Don’t make your children your confidantes. You are there to listen to them, but they do not have to be burdened with your emotions. Many sensitive children take it on as their responsibility to help Mommy or Daddy and “make them happy”. This scenario should be avoided at all costs. (Alice Walker’s Drama of the Gifted Child addresses the issues that arise for children who think they must be caretakers of their parents.)
Let them know that you will take care of yourself and they don’t have to take care of you. You can tell them that you are seeing a counselor, have joined a support group, or have many friends who are there to assist you.
If it seems helpful at this time, tell them about “Rainbows”, a place where they can talk about their feelings with other children who are going through the same thing. Rainbows (www.rainbows.org) is an international organization started by Suzy Yehl Marta to help children whose parents were going through a divorce. Rainbows offers free support groups that are age appropriate in your neighborhood. These groups last six weeks and are facilitated by trained volunteers.
Answer their questions that are their concerns. Your children may want to know where they will be living, what school they will attend, who will be leaving the house and when, where will the other parent live, when will they see them. To the extent that you know the answers, let your children have this information. Whatever questions are still unanswered, tell them you will let them know as soon as you make those decisions.
Ask them if they want to talk about their feelings now. They may cry, they may yell, they may want to go out and play with their friends. Don’t be surprised at any response. Just be there to hear them and to hold them.
When the talk is over, you can go somewhere in private to process your own tears, or your relief. And then go do something nurturing with your children, or if they are not available, then nurturing to yourself.
One of the hardest parts is over. Now you can live congruently and compassionately.
You don’t have to hide the reality, and now your children can begin to talk about their feelings, fears, concerns. It will usually be a relief to you because you don’t have to hide anything from them any more.
Your children may have questions in the future. Let them know they can ask you about issues that pertain to them. And keep your boundaries clear.
Countless couples play out their emotional dramas without regard to the collateral damage they inflict on their innocent and loving children. Two people who once cared enough to promise to love and cherish “until death do them part” can also learn to fear and despise each other after years of pain and unmet needs.
These hurting individuals need compassion for the profound sadness underneath the rage. No matter how far apart a man and wife can become emotionally and physically, their children are caught in the middle and continue to feel the strife.
Families do not have to be “broken”, but can be peacefully and respectfully re-structured.
Whether you are stuck in an emotionally abusive situation, considering a divorce, in the middle of one, or long past the date of dissolution, if you are still angry and/or anxious in the company of your (ex)spouse, there is healing that can be done.
It starts with compassion – for yourself at first, and then eventually for your (former) partner. No matter what the reasons are that cause a union to terminate, there is pain and sadness and fear on both sides. Learning how to acknowledge those feelings, and to be met with empathy and understanding, is a gift you give your whole family, beginning with yourself.
Your children will only have one biological mother and father, no matter how many other partners are introduced into their lives. Children of all ages seek on some level to have a “happy family”. If you can’t find a way to live with the other parent, you can find a way to connect with civility, courtesy, and even kindness. Healing can happen, and it starts with you.
“Why should I have to do any more work? I was always the only one who cared enough to try harder!”
The work you do is ultimately for your own personal growth. With or without your (former) partner present, you can explore the origins of your own pain and anger, and learn how to relay your needs in words that don’t sound blaming or judgmental. You can learn how to calmly talk about your sadness and your fears, even if the end result is a decision to leave your marriage.
And if your divorce has already been finalized, you can find a way to reframe your experience so that it becomes a catalyst for forgiveness and a healthy letting go of pain. As you heal, your children benefit from your inner peace. And then you are truly free to go on with your own life, unburdened from the wounds of your past.
Divorce is the death of a dream.
None of us ever plans to get divorced, and when it happens, the grieving must be done. Calcifying our loss with indifference, resentments, or cut-offs only exacerbates the heartache our children bear. Learning how to relate to the other parent with dignity and respect is a priceless gift of love to your child. Divorce itself does not cause the damage. It is the parental conflict that leaves the lifelong wounds.
Losing My Marriage, Finding My Self
Victim or empowered? The choice is yours. You can exit a marriage with grace, no matter how long it’s been since you first said “I do”. And it is never too late to begin. The first step you take is the path to your authentic Self, a state of calm, clarity, compassion, creativity, courage, and confidence.
Counseling and/or Mediation
Alone or together, you can make decisions that will affect the rest of your life. Whether you begin with counseling and eventually end with mediation, you and your spouse can calmly discuss all issues in a compassionate way to lead to a peaceful and respectful resolution.
Post-divorce, healing can still be accomplished, with or without your former partner present. How did he/she remind you of your mother/father? What issues did you bring to the relationship? What can you learn to help you form more positive relationships in the future?
The Miracle of Empathy
Understanding and forgiving yourself and each other, and dealing with any feelings in the way of forgiveness, charts your course towards emotional liberation. As unbelievable as it may seem to you now, your future can be filled with peace and joy, and your children can have the benefit of parents who can both be present at important times in their lives. (If you don’t think it matters to your children any longer, just ask them.)
You owe it to your “re-structured family”, and to yourself, to be open to the possibility of a healthier relationship. It only takes one to start the process. You will be amazed at the difference it will make in all of your lives.
There once was a lady who thought she was crazy
Her life seemed so dreadful and horrid.
Her head in a whirl, instead of a curl,
Was a “D” in the middle of her forehead.
Her work load oppressive, obligations excessive,
Her life felt just out of control.
She drove into trees, lost her wallet and keys,
Had a heartache no pill could console.
If mad, sad or mean, the “D” was not seen,
Though she wished her whole world would help bear
All the grief, fear and pains, that her life now contains,
As they offered support, love and care.
But she suffers alone, calling friends on the phone,
Seeking solace, compassion, and aid,
Just an ear, hand or shoulder will help with the boulder
That leaves her so lost and afraid.
Though she’s filled with self doubt, the “D” will fade out.
For just when she’s sure nothing’s worse.
The time will be done, and her new life begun.
She’s finally through her divorce.
