I remember when I said “I do” to my beloved college boyfriend two weeks after I graduated college in 1969. I was filled with hope – hope for the marriage of my dreams, hope for the children we had always wanted, and hope for a home we could share with our families, friends and pets. I was blessed for almost twenty years to see those hopes realized.
When I realized our marriage might not last, I never lost hope. I hoped we could find a way around our individual differences. Even as we separated, I hoped we could find our way back to each other and keep our family intact.
Ten years into the separation, I still hoped our divorce would be different, better, more loving than much of the previous decade had been. After we got divorced, I hoped time would heal the wounds caused by the process we had endured. Twenty years after that, I am still hoping things will get better.
The Power of Hope. Or denial. Or refusal to accept reality. Or an opportunity to show courage and confidence in the face of rejection and despair.
Maybe hope is the optimistic expectation that the change you desire is still possible so that you can maintain the fortitude to move forward with trust and faith. There is indescribable power in hope.
I see it with all of my clients. Some come to see me, hopeful that they can improve their lives, either alone or within their relationships. Others arrive with their partners, hoping to restore the love that brought them together when they said “I do.” Sometimes the hope is that they can dissolve their marriage without the warfare, bloodshed, and collateral damage to their children that many divorces can cause.
Hope is what gets them to my office. Hope is what I offer. Hope for a resolution to their relationship that was better than my own. But it’s not just hope I share. I share the wisdom of many teachers, mentors, guides and processes.
And that’s what I’d like to share with you. HOPE and WISDOM when divorce is an option.
When the love begins to fade in a relationship –for whatever reason — a sense of gloom begins to build. Some people are aware of the shift and do what they can to work through it – individual counseling, couples counseling, sometimes separating to focus on their own issues for awhile. Or they get a divorce, often too quickly and with too much acrimony and drama.
When you feel “stuck” in a relationship that is no longer meeting your needs or desires. that state of limbo can be painful. In fact, of all of my clients, the ones who are not sure if they want to stay or go seem to suffer the most.
They are locked in a no-win situation, where they can’t take a step closer to their partners – either because their hearts are walled or the filters through which they judge the other are clouded with blame. Or they can’t take a step away because of fear or guilt or worry about their future or their children.
Being at a crossroads without a clear direction gives them a sense of hopelessness which leads to inertia and despair.
Hope and wisdom — with inspired action — is so powerful.
It’s like giving a poor man a fishing pole instead of a fish.
It’s like offering a map to someone lost in the desert.
It’s like a finding a bridge off an island of pain to a better place.
HOPE. (deep breath). HOPE. That’s what I want to share with you now.
If you are – or know someone who is
Considering a separation
Contemplating a divorce
Going through a divorce
Still suffering from a divorce in the past
Let’s offer you or them some HOPE today. Hope and wisdom which can lead to inspired action.
Compassionate Communication and Compassionate Mediation® can heal and transform your relationship when hope and wisdom lead to inspired action steps in the direction of the highest good for all concerned.
Hope can move you from heartache to healing to happiness. One step at a time. I’d love to help you on your path.
If you’re like many of my clients, you’re feeling:
• stuck
• confused
• anxious
• guilty
• hopeful that you can change your relationship
• or scared that it may lead to a separation or divorce.
I’m Linda Kroll. I’m a therapist, mediator, attorney, Chopra-certified master teacher of meditation, yoga, perfect health. As of last year, I’m the author of Compassionate Mediation for Relationships at a Crossroad: Add Passion to Your Marriage or Compassion to Your Divorce.
My intention is that you feel more hope. Deal with where you are right now, and where you can be, even if you don’t see it yet.
If you’re on your own island of pain, feeling alone and lost and confused and scared, I want to help you find the bridge to wherever you’re supposed to go next.
It doesn’t mean you have to take any steps. It just means you get the information you need so that when you’re ready to take a step you know that you have the information that will give you the best guidance.
My intention is that you come out feeling more hopeful and see a possibility that you don’t see right now.
Please remember that it’s never too late to start something new and better together!
Would you like to create an amazing relationship?
Do you believe you could have the marriage of your dreams?
Or have you given up hope that it could ever happen with your current partner?
It IS possible, and I’ll show you how!
Wherever you are in your relationship right now, I can help.
If you:
Want to make things better and don’t know how.
Are tired of marriage counseling that isn’t working or didn’t help.
Feel confused or scared about staying or going.
Know you want a divorce.
Have you ever considered how much happier your children would be if you and your spouse could resolve conflicts peacefully and truly enjoy each other?
Even if you have never wondered whether to stay or go, you will benefit from this information! In one hour, you can learn how to create deeper levels of intimacy and partnership.
I’m passionate about helping individuals and couples to feel safe, loved and cherished in their marriage. Whether your relationship is having the usual challenges, is in a great deal of turmoil, or is even possibly headed for divorce, Compassionate Communication can help – starting NOW!
For over 25 years as a therapist, mediator and attorney, as well as a Chopra Certified Master Teacher, I have helped hundreds of women and men create new and improved relationships with peace, fulfillment and joy. Others have decided to change the form of their relationship, and they were able to separate or divorce with a sense of peace and contentment.
I’ll be revealing some of my best techniques to help you learn how to create the relationship you desire and deserve. You and our family will benefit with more compassion and peace.
You will learn how to:
Be your best SELF in your relationship now.
Communicate about every issue that may cause conflict.
Share more empathy.
Forgive yourself and your partner.
Make positive decisions about your future.
And so much more!
If you are tired of feeling stuck and unhappy in your relationship, or you want to learn how to improve the one you have, you’ll want to join this call!
If you want, you can send questions you’d like me to address to support@lindakroll.com, and I’ll answer them live on the webinar. Anything you send me will be confidential and anonymous.
With love,
Linda
P.S. All of the call details (such as date, time, etc.) are provided once you register. Don’t worry if you can’t make it live – I’ll make sure you know how to watch the replay, but only if you are registered.
P.P.S. If anyone you know would benefit from this webinar, please FORWARD this email to them! Make sure to register yourself first. Join me on the Webinar.
(… for everyone considering, in the middle, or even past a divorce.)
My heart goes out to you.
Your family doesn’t need to be “broken,” but can be peacefully and respectfully “re-structured.” Your children need to be shielded from the shrapnel of your hurt or animosity. Love is the answer — and it starts with loving your SELF.
There IS a better way to resolve conflict, heal your pain, and communicate with empathy. My book became an instant Amazon International Bestseller in the fields of Divorce, Parenting and Reference.
Compassionate Mediation® for Relationships at a Crossroad: Add Passion to Your Marriage or Compassion to Your Divorce offers a roadmap for Compassionate Communication leading to a peaceful and respectful transformation.
When I finally got divorced (many years ago), after a very long separation (9 years!) I brought this prayer with me to the courtroom. I gave it to my soon-to-be-ex-husband and our attorneys. When the gavel came down, I handed out Hershey kisses and hugged my ex — and said I was sorry and I love him. Both were true then and still are.
I share the prayer I had written the night before we ended our 20 year union. Please consider using it for the sake of your children and your future. I send my heartfelt love and empathy to you all.
Linda’s Prayer for a Peaceful Parting
I pray for a peaceful and respectful settlement meeting, in which all parties come together from their Highest Selves and their truest connection to Your guidance, wisdom and love.
I pray that the parts of ourselves that are angry, fearful, defensive, revengeful, retributive, punitive, unloving, unforgiving, sad, young, abandoned, resentful, negative, hurting and hurtful – that all these parts be quelled with the leadership of the Self, coming from a place of trust in Your presence and light.
I pray for compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. Although our marriage has come down to a business closing of money and asset division, I ask that we remember the love that brought us together, and the wonderful children which our union has borne. For their sakes as well as our own, we wish to put an end to this process in as respectful and loving a way as possible.
Although we each carry our sadness and pain and mutual regrets, I pray that we can look beyond this difficult period to a time when we can be friends and coexist peacefully. I pray that our once intact family can be rearranged to two intact and loving homes, where our children feel connected and comfortable. I pray that we can hold in a different light the love that once joined us forever; that on the deepest level we wish each other well as we let go and let G-d direct our lives.
For the sake of all we once had, and for all we had planned to share together, let us now finalize the terms of our marital dissolution so that we are both free to get on with our lives.
Let us complete this last painful task with a sense of trust in the love we once shared and hopefully can remember after this part is over.
Let us not work from purely simple and self-serving motives, but keep in mind the general welfare of each of us, and our children.
Let us request our attorneys to contribute what is needed for the mutual benefit of all concerned.
In the end, let us know that we behaved civilly, that we can look back with a clear conscience, and that as much as we could, we came from our hearts. G-d bless us and direct us all. Amen.
Compassionate Mediation® will help you now!
I never thought my marriage would end, and I have dedicated my life to make sure other people don’t have to suffer the way our family and children did.
The sooner Compassionate Mediation® is begun, the better, Even if you’ve filed for divorce, you can learn a new way to Compassionately Communicate that inspires you to connect you to your highest and best SELF, let go of your limiting beliefs (and the walls around your heart,) heal pain from the past (and your “inner child”), and relate from your heart.
For over 30 years, this process has helped hundreds of women and men create the relationship they deserve and desire. And even more important, Compassionate Mediation® helps the children whose parents create a new relationship with respect, compassion and friendship. I’d love to help you all.
As a therapist, mediator, attorney, Linda is the author of Compassionate Mediation® for Relationships at a Crossroads: How to Add Passion to Your Marriage or Compassion to Your Divorce and also the Kindle book, Compassionate Divorce™: Changing the Face of Divorce, One Heart at a Time.
She is also a Chopra-certified teacher of meditation, yoga, and Ayurveda.
She combines emotional and spiritual healing, along with legal and financial information and support.
I intend to have a peaceful and respectful settlement meeting, in which all parties come together from their Highest Selves and their own inner guidance and wisdom.
I intend that the parts of ourselves that are angry, fearful, defensive, revengeful, retributive, punitive, unloving, unforgiving, sad, young, abandoned, resentful, negative, hurting and hurtful – that all these parts be quelled with the leadership of the Self, coming from a place of trust in my ownpresence and light.
I intend to show compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. Although our marriage has come down to a business closing of money and asset division, I intend that we remember the love that brought us together, and the wonderful children which our union has borne. For their sakes as well as our own, we wish to put an end to this process in as respectful and loving a way as possible.
Although we each carry our sadness and pain and mutual regrets, I intend that we can look beyond this difficult period to a time when we can be friends and coexist peacefully. I intendthat our once intact family can be rearranged to two intact and loving homes, where our children feel connected and comfortable. I intend that we can hold in a different light the love that once joined us forever; that on the deepest level we wish each other well as we let go.
For the sake of all we once had, and for all we had planned to share together, let us now finalize the terms of our marital dissolution so that we are both free to get on with our lives.
Let us complete this last painful task with a sense of trust in the love we once shared and hopefully can remember after this part is over.
Let us not work from purely simple and self-serving motives, but keep in mind the general welfare of each other and our children.
Let us request our attorneys to contribute what is needed for the mutual benefit of all concerned.
In the end, let us know that we behaved civilly, that we can look back with a clear conscience, and that as much as we could, we came from our hearts.
Welcome to the State of Limbo – that area in the travelogue in which you seem to run around in circles, or just state a sit-down strike and don’t move at all. It may be true that your vistas are limited and your opportunities for new experiences are narrowed. You might be willing to sacrifice the ability to move forward for the security—no matter how fleeting or illusory—of holding onto the relationship, marriage, person and/or dream. It’s your trip and you can plan it any way you want.
And when you visit or move into Limbo, you will be offered incessant advice from well-meaning friends and relatives:
“Why don’t you just file for divorce?”
“Get on with your life!”
“Why can’t you let go?”
“You’ll be much better off if you just face reality and move on!”
“When are you going to wake up and let your lawyer do his job?”
And some days you will take a few steps forward, to be followed the next day by several steps back into stagnation, lethargy or the familiar territory of the State of Limbo.
WHY WE STAY IN LIMBO
Many people wonder why they can’t move on. There are several reasons:
ANGER “I’m too angry to make any decision. Let him/her take action. I’m not doing anything!”
CODEPENDENCY “If I stay nice/loving/available, he’ll love me more/again.”
DENIAL “If I don’t make any decisions or take any actions then maybe this really isn’t happening.”
HOPE “Maybe he’ll change/end the affair/give up the booze/realize what he’s missing and come home.”
FEAR “I’m afraid if I let go, I’ll be a bag lady/alone/unloved unwanted/abandoned.”
FINANCIAL “The money is too much to give up.”
GRIEF “It’s all I can do to function. I can’t do any more now.”
HEALING TIME “I’m adjusting to my loss and that’s all I can do at this time.”
LACK OF SELF ESTEEM “I would be nothing without my spouse.”
MANIPULATION “I’m waiting for the right time to make any movement. I’m going to travel and spend his money for as long as I can.”
PAIN “I hurt too much to add other things to my life now.:
SADNESS “I’m too sad to take any action.”
STRATEGIC “If he has to file first, he’ll feel more guilty and be more generous.”
HOW IT FEELS TO BE “IN LIMBO”
Sometimes limbo does offer space to heal, grieve, plan, adjust. that is why you must listen to your own inner voice to tell you what is right for you. Don’t take action for the sake of pleasing anyone else or because of what other people think. It’s your life and your future and you are the best determinate of what is in your best interest. You will know when it is time to move on, and that will be when the pain of staying where you are is greater than the fear of taking whatever is the next step for you (asking him to leave, seeing a mediator, filing for divorce, letting your lawyer do discovery, going back to school, getting a job, etc.)
From time to time, you may feel exasperated with yourself, and then you add “guilt” to the other feelings you are trying to manage:
“I know I should do something more.” (You are “shoulding” on yourself.)
“I feel so bad that I can’t seem to make any decisions.” (Deciding not to decide IS a decision.)
“I feel so weak, stupid, powerless.” (As you lower your already vulnerable self esteem quotient.)
Give yourself permission to be wherever you are. Know that you are on your path and you will move forward when you are ready, willing, and able. Don’t compound the pain of divorce with the guilt of “shoulding” on yourself. Allow yourself the time and space and peace you need to adjust before you move on to the next step, whatever that is.
LEAVING LIMBO
You will be ready to move when you are aware that staying hurts too much. And then you might move into a different state of limbo, but at least you are moving.
Create the Relationship You Desire and Deserve!
No two relationships are alike. If you take a moment to tell me about yours, I can offer you solutions to help you make the changes you need now.
