I pray for a peaceful and respectful settlement meeting, in which all parties come together from their Highest Selves and their truest connection to Your guidance, wisdom and love.
I pray that the parts of ourselves that are angry, fearful, defensive, revengeful, retributive, punitive, unloving, unforgiving, sad, young, abandoned, resentful, negative, hurting and hurtful – that all these parts be quelled with the leadership of the Self, coming from a place of trust in Your presence and light.
I pray for compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. Although our marriage has come down to a business closing of money and asset division, I ask that we remember the love that brought us together, and the wonderful children which our union has borne. For their sakes as well as our own, we wish to put an end to this process in as respectful and loving a way as possible.
Although we each carry our sadness and pain and mutual regrets, I pray that we can look beyond this difficult period to a time when we can be friends and coexist peacefully. I pray that our once intact family can be rearranged to two intact and loving homes, where our children feel connected and comfortable. I pray that we can hold in a different light the love that once joined us forever; that on the deepest level we wish each other well as we let go and let G-d direct our lives.
For the sake of all we once had, and for all we had planned to share together, let us now finalize the terms of our marital dissolution so that we are both free to get on with our lives.
Let us complete this last painful task with a sense of trust in the love we once shared and hopefully can remember after this part is over.
Let us not work from purely simple and self-serving motives, but keep in mind the general welfare of each of us, and our children.
Let us request our attorneys to contribute what is needed for the mutual benefit of all concerned.
In the end, let us know that we behaved civilly, that we can look back with a clear conscience, and that as much as we could, we came from our hearts. G-d bless us and direct us all. Amen.
All of our Parts are trying to be helpful, no matter what their behavior. When we can love them for their intentions, they can transform and become valuable consultants and protectors. Love is always the answer- starting with Loving your SELF.
My Triumvirate of Tyrants Seeks to bully me
As they jockey for position
To find which of these big three
Can take the lead each moment
To plan my life that day.
And as I feel them argue
I turn my head away.
The Pusher keeps on Pushing
The Slug does it’s own thing
My Caretaker keeps care-taking
And Overwhelm is King.
I see that they aren’t tyrants
But misguided helping Parts
That think they know the answer
To heal my wounded heart.
“Push on and do more something!”
“Go slow and don’t be rushed!.”
“Take care of everyone you know!”
Why can’t they all be hushed?
Their cacophony is killing me
I hear the constant din
Of my polarizing conflict
Where none of them will win.
They harass and then they heckle
They torture and oppress
Their intent is to be helpful
They each feel they know best
I need to come and help them
I want to let them see
The only way true peace will come
Is when they work with ME.
I’ll gently take the mantle
I’ll thank them for their care
I’ll consult with them when needed
I see the value there
So now please get along my crew
In perfect harmony
You’re all a part of my mind and heart
And together we’ll be FREE.
Childhood. Adulthood. Motherhood. Fatherhood. Singlehood. A different hood of which we may not have wanted to be a part. Singlehood has an array of opportunities – and challenges. The opportunities for growth are unparalleled. The major challenge is seeing the opportunities.
Many of us think of singlehood as the way station en route to a relationship. It’s the bridge we cross to get to where we’re meant to be. It’s a limbo time of searching – but it’s often a search for “another,’ rather than a journey inward.
Once we realize, finally and fully, without any doubts at all, that we are complete as we are, totally whole individuals, an incredible sense of peace descends. There is no need to strive, to seek, to search outside of oneself for happiness. No obligation to merge in order to feel complete. No necessity to find in another that which was perceived missing in one’s self. There is a freedom from struggle. A letting go of effort. It’s hopping on the inner tube of life as it heads where its meant to go, rather than trying to control a raft in the rapids. It’s relaxing, joyous, energizing. It’s being home wherever you are, whenever your heart is open. It is safety
It is your true SELF.
Many of us have lost ourselves in relationships. Many of us forfeited our truths when we were children. We abandoned and exiled our true feelings by managing them with behaviors we thought would be better accepted by our parents, siblings, teachers, peers. We learned how to please, placate, get by, function. We perceived ourselves as lacking in some way, and we were attracted to others who seemed to complete us, fill in the blanks, offered what we were seeking.
Often those traits that brought us to our partners were the ones that began to bother us the most. For example, a shy man is attracted to a talkative woman, but later he complains that she never shuts up. A woman falls for a man who is strong and assertive and many years hence decides he’s too paternalistic and controlling.
Once we know that we are complete, we lose the desperation of the search. People may come and go in our lives, but we don’t tie to any one of them the ability to make us or break us. We can be happy to share our time, our bodies, our lives with someone else, but we can do it as equals, without expectations or judgments.
We can learn how to speak our truth – without fear. We are able to discern when our needs are being met, or our boundaries violated. We can choose to stay in a relationship, or we can choose to go. And if someone chooses to leave us first, we know that we are just fine, time will heal our pride, and we are able to find a relationship that is meant to go the distance.
However long that distance is meant to be. Perhaps the “happily ever after” needs to be edited to ‘happily each day’. Rather than seek the Prince on the horse or the damsel in need, we can drop the fantasy and be receptive to reality. We can look within ourselves to find the communication, companionship, and connection we are seeking. (Being centered in your Self is not self-centered. It is our spiritual connection that teaches us how to be compassionate to all parts of ourselves and others.)Let our quest become an internal one. Let our pursuit focus on self awareness, self care and self love. Then we can nurture our hearts, our light, our ability to feel joy, and attract into our lives healthy people who are doing the same.
Welcome to the State of Limbo – that area in the travelogue in which you seem to run around in circles, or just state a sit-down strike and don’t move at all. It may be true that your vistas are limited and your opportunities for new experiences are narrowed. You might be willing to sacrifice the ability to move forward for the security—no matter how fleeting or illusory—of holding onto the relationship, marriage, person and/or dream. It’s your trip and you can plan it any way you want.
And when you visit or move into Limbo, you will be offered incessant advice from well-meaning friends and relatives:
“Why don’t you just file for divorce?”
“Get on with your life!”
“Why can’t you let go?”
“You’ll be much better off if you just face reality and move on!”
“When are you going to wake up and let your lawyer do his job?”
And some days you will take a few steps forward, to be followed the next day by several steps back into stagnation, lethargy or the familiar territory of the State of Limbo.
WHY WE STAY IN LIMBO
Many people wonder why they can’t move on. There are several reasons:
ANGER “I’m too angry to make any decision. Let him/her take action. I’m not doing anything!”
CODEPENDENCY “If I stay nice/loving/available, he’ll love me more/again.”
DENIAL “If I don’t make any decisions or take any actions then maybe this really isn’t happening.”
HOPE “Maybe he’ll change/end the affair/give up the booze/realize what he’s missing and come home.”
FEAR “I’m afraid if I let go, I’ll be a bag lady/alone/unloved unwanted/abandoned.”
FINANCIAL “The money is too much to give up.”
GRIEF “It’s all I can do to function. I can’t do any more now.”
HEALING TIME “I’m adjusting to my loss and that’s all I can do at this time.”
LACK OF SELF ESTEEM “I would be nothing without my spouse.”
MANIPULATION “I’m waiting for the right time to make any movement. I’m going to travel and spend his money for as long as I can.”
PAIN “I hurt too much to add other things to my life now.:
SADNESS “I’m too sad to take any action.”
STRATEGIC “If he has to file first, he’ll feel more guilty and be more generous.”
HOW IT FEELS TO BE “IN LIMBO”
Sometimes limbo does offer space to heal, grieve, plan, adjust. that is why you must listen to your own inner voice to tell you what is right for you. Don’t take action for the sake of pleasing anyone else or because of what other people think. It’s your life and your future and you are the best determinate of what is in your best interest. You will know when it is time to move on, and that will be when the pain of staying where you are is greater than the fear of taking whatever is the next step for you (asking him to leave, seeing a mediator, filing for divorce, letting your lawyer do discovery, going back to school, getting a job, etc.)
From time to time, you may feel exasperated with yourself, and then you add “guilt” to the other feelings you are trying to manage:
“I know I should do something more.” (You are “shoulding” on yourself.)
“I feel so bad that I can’t seem to make any decisions.” (Deciding not to decide IS a decision.)
“I feel so weak, stupid, powerless.” (As you lower your already vulnerable self esteem quotient.)
Give yourself permission to be wherever you are. Know that you are on your path and you will move forward when you are ready, willing, and able. Don’t compound the pain of divorce with the guilt of “shoulding” on yourself. Allow yourself the time and space and peace you need to adjust before you move on to the next step, whatever that is.
LEAVING LIMBO
You will be ready to move when you are aware that staying hurts too much. And then you might move into a different state of limbo, but at least you are moving.
Create the Relationship You Desire and Deserve!
No two relationships are alike. If you take a moment to tell me about yours, I can offer you solutions to help you make the changes you need now.
