Compassionate Communication Creates New Beginnings when You’re Thinking of Divorce.
The night before I was to be in court to finalize my divorce after a very long separation, I was moved to convert my sadness, hurt and anger into hope for a new beginning. If your marriage has difficulties, or you’re thinking of divorce, I want to share with you how I did that for myself.
I wrote a prayer.
When I arrived at the courtroom, I gave a copy to my formerly beloved (and soon to be ex) husband and to his attorney. I hoped to end our marriage in a way that would set the tone for a peaceful and respectful co-creation of our future restructured family.
I wanted us to always be able to Compassionately Communicate –to connect our highest and best SELF, let go of all the limiting (and judgmental) beliefs we held, unburdened pain from the past, and relate from our hearts.
I hoped we could protect our children from the shrapnel of any more animosity or conflict.
I offered it as my prayer, and for some, it can be an intention. It was my heartfelt request for a future of respectful co-parenting, genuine friendship and Compassionate Communication.
I hope others can set the same intention or recite the same prayer.
“Love is the answer – and it starts with loving your SELF.” Linda Kroll
Linda’s Settlement Prayer
I pray for a peaceful and respectful settlement meeting, in which all parties come together from their Highest Selves and their truest connection to Your guidance, wisdom and love.
I pray that the parts of ourselves that are angry, fearful, defensive, revengeful, retributive, punitive, unloving, unforgiving, sad, young, abandoned, resentful, negative, hurting and hurtful – that all these parts be quelled with the leadership of the Self, coming from a place of trust in Your presence and light.
I pray for compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. Although our marriage has come down to a business closing of money and asset division, I ask that we remember the love that brought us together, and the wonderful children, which our union has borne. For their sakes as well as our own, we wish to put an end to this process in as respectful and loving a way as possible.
Although we each carry our sadness and pain and mutual regrets, I pray that we can look beyond this difficult period to a time when we can be friends and coexist peacefully. I pray that our once intact family can be rearranged to two intact and loving homes, where our children feel connected and comfortable. I pray that we can hold in a different light the love that once joined us forever; that on the deepest level we wish each other well as we let go and let G-d direct our lives.
For the sake of all we once had, and for all we had planned to share together, let us now finalize the terms of our marital dissolution so that we are both free to get on with our lives.
Let us complete this last painful task with a sense of trust in the love we once shared and hopefully can remember after this part is over. Let us not work from purely simple and self-serving motives, but keep in mind the general welfare of each of us, and our children. Let us request our attorneys to contribute what is needed for the mutual benefit of all concerned.
In the end, let us know that we behaved civilly, that we can look back with a clear conscience, and that as much as we could, we came from our hearts. God bless us and direct us all. Amen.
His lawyer looked it over, and jokingly asked him, “Are there any changes you want to make in this document?”
We all laughed —sometimes through our tears – which is kind of like life.
Even in the heartache, there can come healing and hope.
If you or someone you know is looking at a separation or divorce, please remember that together we can change the face of divorce, one heart at a time.
To learn how to offer this process to your clients, please get the FREE ROADMAP and Video Introduction to Compassionate Mediation®
About Linda
As a therapist, mediator, attorney, and author, I help others avoid the pain that my family suffered. My transformational processes of Compassionate Mediation® and SELF-Led Divorce® bring peaceful resolution instead of heartbreak.
If your relationship is at a crossroad, you ‘can add passion to your marriage or compassion to your divorce with Compassionate Communication and Compassionate Mediation®. Please visit www.LindaKroll.com for your free chapter of my bestselling book, and for more free gifts and resources to help you add more peace, love and joy to your life – starting now.
You can also take my Relationship Assessment and learn how to make things better!
If you’re a heart-centered professional (therapist, mediator, attorney, coach or counselor,) you can learn how to offer these processes to your clients at www.CompassionateMediationTraining.com.
Families need not be “broken,” but can be peacefully and respectfully “re-structured.”
What Do You Truly Want?First of all, take some time to get clear on what you truly want and need. It is important to remember that a new relationship is possible, once you learn how to communicate. Divorce is often a last resort when you believe you are out of other options.You can create a better relationship with Compassionate Mediation® as you choose to add passion to your marriage — or compassion to your divorce.
How Compassionate Mediation Can Help
Compassionate Mediation® offers the tools to become educated, empowered, and enlightened to plan your future.When you have the confidence and courage to talk about an ending, you can often create a new and better beginning.Communicate about all the issues that cause conflict.
You can discuss parenting, finances, work load distribution, family commitments, and even sex. No issue is off limits. You learn to compassionately communication with empathy and kindness, no matter the outcome of your conversations.
If you are:
Unhappy but hopeful your relationship can change, help is available when you learn what to do, and what to stop doing! Unhappy but stuck, you can learn what options you have to make the changes you want, starting now.Separated, you will get the information you need to make the right decisions for your future.Thinking of or currently going through a divorce, you can respectfully and peacefully discuss all your issues.Past your divorce, you can create a better relationship with your “ex,” no matter what he or she chooses to do.
It just takes one to make a difference. Therefore, you can learn more and create the relationship you desire and deserve.
As a result of your commitment to a happier future, you can make the changes you need to have the life you will love.
Would you like to heal a relationship? Do you wish you could “start over” when there has been an estrangement? Do you seek hope when things seem hopeless? Or would you like to make a good relationship even better?
You have four magic words at your disposal. And you only need to use them two at a time: “Thank you” and “I’m sorry.”
Try them today and see what happens. You may think you’ve said them, and maybe you have — and maybe not. Or perhaps not enough.
You are probably hoping someone will say them to you first. You have every right to feel that way. However, by keeping score of who says it first or more often, the estrangement continues.
Take a deep breath. Yes. Really. Right now. Just breathe. And once more. And if you’re willing, close your eyes and go inside and see if there is an unspoken “thank you” or “I’m sorry” that you could share with someone you know.
The Magic of “Thank You.”
Who can you thank today? Your partner, your parents, your children, a friend, a coworker, a friend?
You can even thank yourself for all you have accomplished and who you are — instead of any constant internal criticism, comparisons or perfectionism.
How do you think your mother or father would feel to get a call from you to say, “I want to thank you for all you have done for me.” You may think you’ve told them. You probably bought a card on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, sometime in the past.
But just call them out of the blue and give them the gift of your unsolicited and unscheduled appreciation. No matter what mistakes they may have made (and we all make them), they did the best they knew how — according to all they learned along their way. So take a moment to say “thank you.” Let them know you care.
How would you feel if your children said it to you?
Or “Thank you (to your child), for being who you are.” You can add, “I might not always agree with your choices, but I thank you for being a good person/for your loving heart/ for being such a loving sister/brother.”
So many boys and girls – of all ages, even as adults, are seeking their parents’ approval. Congratulating your children for their accomplishments is good, but it sometimes ties your approval with their performance.
Just thank them for who they are, not just what they do, and watch their self-esteem expand.
Imagine how your partner would react for a heartfelt “thank you” for just about anything. Try it and see.
Thank you for all the love you give to me and our family.
Thank you for all you contribute to our home, health and happiness.
Thank you for understanding me all these years.
Thank you for your kindness/patience/good humor/affection.
The list goes on, and so does the opportunity for more connection and intimacy. You can never be too grateful, and their gratitude will flow back to you for your generosity of heart and spirit.
Thanking a friend can add so much value to their life and your friendship. Sometimes we take for granted all that our friends do for us, or we thank them at the time for a gift, lunch, or gesture. But go one step beyond. Take a moment to reach out, even years later, to thank them for their constant support and encouragement, their presence in your life, or all that they mean to you.
If there is someone who touched your life years ago, and you’ve lost contact, then find them on social media (Facebook, Linkedin) and reach out with a “thanks.”
Maybe they will pay if forward – either back to you or someone else, and you can start a chain of gratitude that can help encircle the world with love!
Say thank you at work, and make someone’s day. If you are the employer, you know that your words can often be a morale boost. If you’re a co-worker, you feel seen and appreciated by a peer. And if you’re an employee and you don’t have access directly to your superior, then thank them with an attitude change that appreciates the best of what they intend, instead of harboring negative thoughts or resentments about what they sometimes do.
No matter where, when or how, a heartfelt “thank you” is always a gift.
The Miracle of “I’m Sorry.”
It’s never too late. Really, it’s not.
Often, we push things under the rug rather than talk about them. Time goes by, and we assume that the other person has moved on, and that bringing up a topic will open an old wound. However, more often than not, that wound is still there, and the balm of your words it what is needed for true healing.
Your parents.
Just as our parents made mistakes, so did we as children. And as adults. Probably the way we talk to our parents or lose our patience is a habit that we don’t even notice. Sometimes the older they get, the more our patience is tried as their caregivers. Say you’re sorry.
You might do it again (lose your patience, have a tone, avoid contact), but you can take a moment and acknowledge that you could have done it better, and you can be better from now on.
You never know how long we have with them. Don’t leave any words unspoken.
Your Children
Don’t be afraid to apologize. It doesn’t mean that you are a bad parent. It doesn’t mean that you lose status.
It means you have the courage to acknowledge your mistakes, and you model for them how to do the same.
You mean well. You do what you do for their sake. You worry about them and set boundaries for them, and care very much. And you may sometimes yell, or criticize, or berate, or become intolerant, judgmental or demeaning.
You may be right in what you are saying but not in how you are saying it.
Your tone has even more impact than your words, and you can say you’re sorry for the way you expressed yourself. You don’t need to justify your actions. In fact, when you try to explain your motivation or reasoning, it takes the focus off your apology and sounds like a justification.
Just say you’re sorry, and let them know you empathize with how you made them feel (sad, scared, hurt), and you don’t want to do that to them.
Believe me, it’s never too late.
Your Partner — and even your EX partner!
“I’m sorry” is like a magic elixir. Marriages can be save, revived, and healed – even after they’ve ended.
You know that there are things you have done which have hurt or scared your partner. It’s good to stop doing those things – yelling, withholding, or a myriad other ways you’ve coped with your feelings.
You can offer the Miracle of Empathy. You can let them know that you realize how they must have felt, understand how your actions impacted them, and that you’re sorry.
And if you do the same thing again, be sorry again. Not rotely, but with true empathy at their experience of being on the receiving end of disrespect.
If you think it’s too late to say “I’m sorry,” to your former spouse, you are totally wrong.
Too many marriages end with silent regrets, unacknowledged gratitude, and unspoken apologies. The wounds can stop festering over time, but many of them never truly heal. Your willingness to acknowledge your mistakes with an open-hearted “I’m sorry,” can heal your re-structured families for the benefit of all concerned.
Instead of needing to keep your walls up when you are in close proximity (family events, graduations, weddings, holidays), you are free to “start over,” as two people who once loved each other enough to promise to stay together forever, but who now can co-exist with mutual courtesy and civility.
The magic of “I’m sorry,” is at it’s best no matter when you share it. You don’t even have to go into detail about why you’re sorry or what you did.
Just offer those two words. Your “ex” will get it. And no matter what their initial response (gratitude, indifference, anger), you’ll know you did your part to offer your amends with the restorative power of empathy.
“I’m sorry” to a friend.
No matter how far back in time, those words now still help. No one of us is perfect. We all make mistakes. Some are inadvertent, and some were an outcome of our immaturity or selfishness in the past.
If there is something you did (or didn’t do) that affected someone’s life or day, and you know what it is and have felt bad about it, then reach out and apologize. Send them a message on Facebook, no matter how “random” it feels.
Just say, “I’m sorry for (whatever you did or didn’t do) and I wanted you to know. I hope your life is going well. All my best, (your name.)”
I have a friend who got her apology from a classmate at their 50th reunion, and she was relieved it finally came. A half-century later.
“I’m sorry,” in your workplace.
With the hierarchy in some businesses, there may be a lot of mumbling or grumbling covertly with feelings that have been ignored or hurt.
Just as with all the other relationships mentioned already, you can find a time or a way to convey your amends.
If it feels like it may be awkward you can change the energy with which you relate to that person. Don’t avoid them. Reach out. Start over.
But those two words, “I’m sorry,” will let you truly re-boot the connection into one of more trust and respect.
You can heal your relationships, “start over” when there has been an estrangement, bring back hope for a better future, and make your good relationships even better.
One phone call. One text. One message. One moment. Change the dynamics of your relationships today, with those four Magic Words – two at a time, or all four together: Thank You. I’m Sorry.
The Hawaiian practice of Ho’oponopono
Some religious practices have a Day of Atonement where we ask others to forgive us for anything we may have done to hurt or offend them. While this is always a good practice, it is only once a year. We can say “I’m sorry” anytime, and also offer gratitude and love.
The Hawaiian practice of Ho’oponopono is four simple steps. You repeat:
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.
I’ve got my list of people to contact. Do you have yours?
Now, say it to yourself – I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you ,and I love you —
and have a wonderful day!
You can Create the Relationship
You Desire and Deserve!
I go see every Super Hero movie. The latest one was Wonder Woman, and I even took my seven year old granddaughter —before I realized it was PG! (Sorry, Maisie, for having to cover your eyes sometimes!)
The reason I wanted her to see it was because Wonder Woman stood for the Power of Love — which is a good message to share.
I wanted her to know we are all Super Heroes, with infinite strength to create what we want. And I think one of our best super-powers is the Power of Forgiveness.
We all have the Power of Forgiveness, but we just don’t always use it. When we do exercise our Power, miracles occur.
(1) We can turn back time.
Forgiveness gives us the ability to “start over.” We can reboot, re-do, or renew a relationship without the need to rehash every insult or slight. We can begin again, and create a better relationship with a sense of peace and inner balance.
(2) We can lift heavy burdens.
We don’t have to carry around the weight of resentment, judgment and blame. We can set ourselves free from the stories we tell ourselves, and experience the lightness of being present, and open to new possibilities.
(3) We can see through barriers.
Instead of seeing someone who hurt or offended us through the barricades of anger and bitterness , we can lower those walls around our heart, and change the filters through which we see the other, and create appropriate boundaries — without needing total cutoffs.
(4) We become impervious to pain.
Forgiveness sets us free from re-hashing or re-living the past. When we no longer focus on what offended us, we can put our attention on what brings us
joy. Especially when we forgive ourselves.
(5) We stand for what is right and good.
When we forgive ourselves for mistakes we have made, we allow ourselves to embrace our humanity as well as our divinity. (To err is human, to forgive, divine.) When we forgive others, it sets us free and allows us to view the other from a kinder perspective, whether or not we choose to interact with them again.
Wielding the Power of Forgiveness makes us all Super Heroes — because forgiveness is a daily practice.
We can always
start over
liberate ourselves from “old stories”
break through the barriers of judgment and blame
free ourselves from pain
see both the human and the divine in everyone
So yes, Virginia (Maisie), there really is a Wonder Woman.
