A Compassionate Divorce
Heals Your Re-Structured Family
Families need not be “broken,” but can be peacefully and respectfully “re-structured.”
If your marriage in in conflict, if you are separated now or even in the middle of your divorce, you can proceed with compassion, empathy and respect.
Create the Relationship You Desire and Deserve!
No two relationships are alike.
If you take a moment to tell me about yours,
I can offer you solutions to help you make the changes you need now. Click HERE to get your FREE RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT.
It will be sent to you, along with an invitation to my next LIVE Webinar.
You don’t have to destroy your family, even as you end your marriage. Click here to learn.
Linda Kroll, a therapist, mediator, attorney, and author has worked with hundreds of individuals and couples for over 25 years. She shares that Compassionate Divorce is not only possible, but a healing opportunity for your future.
Compassionate Mediation® leads to a Compassionate Divorce, and healing and transformation for the future.
You once loved your partner enough to promise to love them for a lifetime. Your story about the current relationship has caused you to choose to leave. Or your partner wants a divorce and you have to respond.
Marriages end for different reasons:
Unmet needs and expectations
Irreconcilable differences
Abuse, addictions, affairs
Growing apart
(put your reason here….)
Whatever your issue, the same emotions appear in one or both parties: sadness, fear, anger, terror, rage, confusion, pain, longing, hopelessness, hope, regrets, guilt…. and more.
You need to acknowledge the roller coaster of feelings even as you negotiate the legal and financial details.
Compassionate Mediation® supports you as you:
Be your best Self
Create a compassionate relationship
Explore all your options
Understand your rights and finances
Create the relationship you desire and deserve.
Linda’s clients say:
“I learned there could be a Compassionate Divorce.”
“I imagine that working with me and my spouse was quite challenging as we both brought a lot with us while dealing with intense life issues. Once the difficult decisions were further along, there was space to let concepts into my mind and heart of empathy and compassion.
“Linda always seemed to maintain an ability to stay above the fray, and she taught me how to come from my Highest Self. I feel that I understood the meaning of Highest Self immediately, yet before being introduced to that concept by Linda, I don’t think that I operated from that place often enough. I am now am working toward living my best life, from my Highest Self, looking for good things for myself, my newly structured family, and for the greater good in my business and personal life.” — Paul
“Linda guided us mindfully through the impact of divorce.” “My (former) husband and I owned a business together and worked together every day. We wanted to dissolve our marriage but not lose our company in the process. Linda helped us sort out the dysfunctional parts of the relationship from the parts of our relationship that still worked and we wanted to retain, allowing us to continue to work together, successfully, for years. She helped us separate from each other in a mutually respectable way so that I could move past my anger and disappointment in the failed relationship.
She also helped us stay focused on what was really important: our 3 year old child, making him the center of most of our decisions, asking ourselves what was best for him as we wrote our joint parenting agreement. When our son attended a group for kids of divorced parents at his school, they thought he was fantasizing when he told the counselor his parents worked together every day. Not only was Linda able to guide and advise us mindfully through the psychological and physical impact of divorce, but also the legal aspects, helping us as she wrote our divorce decree to suit our needs.”
—Gina
“I came to Linda seeking mediated divorce documents and came out with nothing but peace and hope.”
“Linda’s unwavering pursuit of compassion and dogged exploration into the emotional history of both our lives was incredibly revelatory. I came to understand how little I understood myself emotionally as well as how much pain I had suppressed, hidden, or avoided. I was able then to see my wife as a person to be respected, instead of a problem to be solved, and now am party to perhaps the best divorce the world has seen. My relationship with my ex-wife now is better than it ever was when we were married. Our child has performed a full reversal of negative behaviors to become a desired friend, colleague, and leader in her social circles.”
–Jeremy
Yes, you can believe it!
Perhaps that is hard to realize when you are suffering from unmet needs and expectations. You may have built walls around your heart to protect yourself from being hurt. You have negative filters through which you see and judge your partner (and often yourself), and you keep believing the same stories you have been telling yourself.
You have explained the reasons why you are unhappy to friends, family and maybe a therapist. You may have hired an attorney to begin the divorce process, and told them your perspective as they go to court on your behalf.
Your children may be caught in the middle of a cold war or an all out conflict, but it doesn’t have to be that way. The biggest gift you can gift your children is to minimize conflict between you and your spouse.
You can learn a new way to communicate now, and spare your children from the shrapnel of your animosity.
You can choose to separate and divorce with peaceful conversations about all the issues you need to resolve.
A new method of conflict resolution will give you the tools you need to re-structure you family in the highest good for all concerned .
With Compassionate Communication, no subject is off limits. When you relate to your partner with empathy, even at this life-changing experience, it gives you an invaluable opportunity to heal even as you individuate.
You have both done the best you know how to do. You can become more calm, clear and confident as you ask for and receive what you want and need.
Why compassion when you’re so angry or hurt?
Remember to start with compassion for yourself!
Acknowledge your feelings, have the courage to talk about your needs, find support for yourself as you embark on a transformational process.
You will get through your divorce, but HOW you navigate the process will affect the future of yourself and your family.
If you have children, you will always be in contact with your “ex.” The way you relate, and even the energy you experience when you think about your former spouse is picked up by your children.
They marinate inside the relationship you build, no matter what form it takes. Why not give them an environment of peace and respect instead of animosity and blame?
You will have to grieve your loss.
You don’t expect to get divorced. It wasn’t supposed to happen to you. It was for the other 50% of the population. You will have to feel your feelings and the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance that comes with the death of a relationship.
But your relationship does not have to die. It can shift into something new and better than it is now. You can model for your children how conflict can be resolved, and peace can be restored, even with a new way of relating and living apart.
But don’t get stuck in the typical adversarial process. You can bring a whole new way of being to your relationship as you negotiate a better future.
When you create a Compassionate Divorce, you heal relationships from the past and moving forward.
You have the power to create an atmosphere of respect for your extended family — and even in future step-family situations.
No matter how much pain you feel right now, or how hopeless it feels, get your free chapter so that —
Together, we can change the face of divorce, one heart at a time.
Would you like to heal a relationship? Do you wish you could “start over” when there has been an estrangement? Do you seek hope when things seem hopeless? Or would you like to make a good relationship even better?
You have four magic words at your disposal. And you only need to use them two at a time: “Thank you” and “I’m sorry.”
Try them today and see what happens. You may think you’ve said them, and maybe you have — and maybe not. Or perhaps not enough.
You are probably hoping someone will say them to you first. You have every right to feel that way. However, by keeping score of who says it first or more often, the estrangement continues.
Take a deep breath. Yes. Really. Right now. Just breathe. And once more. And if you’re willing, close your eyes and go inside and see if there is an unspoken “thank you” or “I’m sorry” that you could share with someone you know.
The Magic of “Thank You.”
Who can you thank today? Your partner, your parents, your children, a friend, a coworker, a friend?
You can even thank yourself for all you have accomplished and who you are — instead of any constant internal criticism, comparisons or perfectionism.
How do you think your mother or father would feel to get a call from you to say, “I want to thank you for all you have done for me.” You may think you’ve told them. You probably bought a card on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, sometime in the past.
But just call them out of the blue and give them the gift of your unsolicited and unscheduled appreciation. No matter what mistakes they may have made (and we all make them), they did the best they knew how — according to all they learned along their way. So take a moment to say “thank you.” Let them know you care.
How would you feel if your children said it to you?
Or “Thank you (to your child), for being who you are.” You can add, “I might not always agree with your choices, but I thank you for being a good person/for your loving heart/ for being such a loving sister/brother.”
So many boys and girls – of all ages, even as adults, are seeking their parents’ approval. Congratulating your children for their accomplishments is good, but it sometimes ties your approval with their performance.
Just thank them for who they are, not just what they do, and watch their self-esteem expand.
Imagine how your partner would react for a heartfelt “thank you” for just about anything. Try it and see.
Thank you for all the love you give to me and our family.
Thank you for all you contribute to our home, health and happiness.
Thank you for understanding me all these years.
Thank you for your kindness/patience/good humor/affection.
The list goes on, and so does the opportunity for more connection and intimacy. You can never be too grateful, and their gratitude will flow back to you for your generosity of heart and spirit.
Thanking a friend can add so much value to their life and your friendship. Sometimes we take for granted all that our friends do for us, or we thank them at the time for a gift, lunch, or gesture. But go one step beyond. Take a moment to reach out, even years later, to thank them for their constant support and encouragement, their presence in your life, or all that they mean to you.
If there is someone who touched your life years ago, and you’ve lost contact, then find them on social media (Facebook, Linkedin) and reach out with a “thanks.”
Maybe they will pay if forward – either back to you or someone else, and you can start a chain of gratitude that can help encircle the world with love!
Say thank you at work, and make someone’s day. If you are the employer, you know that your words can often be a morale boost. If you’re a co-worker, you feel seen and appreciated by a peer. And if you’re an employee and you don’t have access directly to your superior, then thank them with an attitude change that appreciates the best of what they intend, instead of harboring negative thoughts or resentments about what they sometimes do.
No matter where, when or how, a heartfelt “thank you” is always a gift.
The Miracle of “I’m Sorry.”
It’s never too late. Really, it’s not.
Often, we push things under the rug rather than talk about them. Time goes by, and we assume that the other person has moved on, and that bringing up a topic will open an old wound. However, more often than not, that wound is still there, and the balm of your words it what is needed for true healing.
Your parents.
Just as our parents made mistakes, so did we as children. And as adults. Probably the way we talk to our parents or lose our patience is a habit that we don’t even notice. Sometimes the older they get, the more our patience is tried as their caregivers. Say you’re sorry.
You might do it again (lose your patience, have a tone, avoid contact), but you can take a moment and acknowledge that you could have done it better, and you can be better from now on.
You never know how long we have with them. Don’t leave any words unspoken.
Your Children
Don’t be afraid to apologize. It doesn’t mean that you are a bad parent. It doesn’t mean that you lose status.
It means you have the courage to acknowledge your mistakes, and you model for them how to do the same.
You mean well. You do what you do for their sake. You worry about them and set boundaries for them, and care very much. And you may sometimes yell, or criticize, or berate, or become intolerant, judgmental or demeaning.
You may be right in what you are saying but not in how you are saying it.
Your tone has even more impact than your words, and you can say you’re sorry for the way you expressed yourself. You don’t need to justify your actions. In fact, when you try to explain your motivation or reasoning, it takes the focus off your apology and sounds like a justification.
Just say you’re sorry, and let them know you empathize with how you made them feel (sad, scared, hurt), and you don’t want to do that to them.
Believe me, it’s never too late.
Your Partner — and even your EX partner!
“I’m sorry” is like a magic elixir. Marriages can be save, revived, and healed – even after they’ve ended.
You know that there are things you have done which have hurt or scared your partner. It’s good to stop doing those things – yelling, withholding, or a myriad other ways you’ve coped with your feelings.
You can offer the Miracle of Empathy. You can let them know that you realize how they must have felt, understand how your actions impacted them, and that you’re sorry.
And if you do the same thing again, be sorry again. Not rotely, but with true empathy at their experience of being on the receiving end of disrespect.
If you think it’s too late to say “I’m sorry,” to your former spouse, you are totally wrong.
Too many marriages end with silent regrets, unacknowledged gratitude, and unspoken apologies. The wounds can stop festering over time, but many of them never truly heal. Your willingness to acknowledge your mistakes with an open-hearted “I’m sorry,” can heal your re-structured families for the benefit of all concerned.
Instead of needing to keep your walls up when you are in close proximity (family events, graduations, weddings, holidays), you are free to “start over,” as two people who once loved each other enough to promise to stay together forever, but who now can co-exist with mutual courtesy and civility.
The magic of “I’m sorry,” is at it’s best no matter when you share it. You don’t even have to go into detail about why you’re sorry or what you did.
Just offer those two words. Your “ex” will get it. And no matter what their initial response (gratitude, indifference, anger), you’ll know you did your part to offer your amends with the restorative power of empathy.
“I’m sorry” to a friend.
No matter how far back in time, those words now still help. No one of us is perfect. We all make mistakes. Some are inadvertent, and some were an outcome of our immaturity or selfishness in the past.
If there is something you did (or didn’t do) that affected someone’s life or day, and you know what it is and have felt bad about it, then reach out and apologize. Send them a message on Facebook, no matter how “random” it feels.
Just say, “I’m sorry for (whatever you did or didn’t do) and I wanted you to know. I hope your life is going well. All my best, (your name.)”
I have a friend who got her apology from a classmate at their 50th reunion, and she was relieved it finally came. A half-century later.
“I’m sorry,” in your workplace.
With the hierarchy in some businesses, there may be a lot of mumbling or grumbling covertly with feelings that have been ignored or hurt.
Just as with all the other relationships mentioned already, you can find a time or a way to convey your amends.
If it feels like it may be awkward you can change the energy with which you relate to that person. Don’t avoid them. Reach out. Start over.
But those two words, “I’m sorry,” will let you truly re-boot the connection into one of more trust and respect.
You can heal your relationships, “start over” when there has been an estrangement, bring back hope for a better future, and make your good relationships even better.
One phone call. One text. One message. One moment. Change the dynamics of your relationships today, with those four Magic Words – two at a time, or all four together: Thank You. I’m Sorry.
The Hawaiian practice of Ho’oponopono
Some religious practices have a Day of Atonement where we ask others to forgive us for anything we may have done to hurt or offend them. While this is always a good practice, it is only once a year. We can say “I’m sorry” anytime, and also offer gratitude and love.
The Hawaiian practice of Ho’oponopono is four simple steps. You repeat:
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.
I’ve got my list of people to contact. Do you have yours?
Now, say it to yourself – I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you ,and I love you —
and have a wonderful day!
You can Create the Relationship
You Desire and Deserve!
You can go to counseling by yourself, or invite your spouse to join you for marital counseling. Are you
being your best Self in your relationship or reacting with negativity and blame?
relating with kindness to the person you once promised to love forever?
angry and judgmental at yourself as well as your spouse?
You may be ambivalent about whether to try marriage counseling (again) or just file for divorce. You might feel overwhelmed, scared, or lost in indecision. Fear, uncertainty, anger and resentment have possibly impacted your relationship over time.
Learn a new way to communicate.
However, if one or both of you are so unhappy that you have secretly thought of – or openly discussed – the possibility of separating or ending the relationship, then Compassionate Mediation® is just what you need.
Compassionate Mediation® is a healing program to help you communicate with your partner to resolve all of your conflicts.
It is a short-term process that helps add passion to your marriage or compassion to your divorce.
You or your partner might feel trapped in habitual patterns that create “walls” that prevent you from being your best SELF in your relationship.
Compassionate Mediation® provides a safe place for you to talk about everything that has been an issue in your relationship. You will:
communicate with compassion
feel heard and understood
share your feelings courageously
give and receive empathy
be safe to “put down your walls”
forgive yourself and your partner.
Compassionate Mediation® is for you if you want to try to create a new and better marriage instead of proceeding towards a break up or divorce with hurt and anger.
And if you do ultimately decide to part ways, you will be able to do so with respect and peace.
Instead of reacting in ways that continue to do harm, you learn to relate from your heart — and from your best Self.
What does it mean to be “in Self?”
When you are “in SELF,” you are more calm, clear and compassionate. You speak with more confidence, as you stay connected to your intuition and deeper knowing.
You are not making decisions from reactive “Parts” of you that may be scared, walled, judgmental, angry or retaliatory. You are able to stay in the present moment and co-create a relationship that considers everyone’s needs, starting with your own.
Problems in your relationship are not always about “what” is said but “how” you are saying it. When speaking from SELF, you can create more acceptance, attention, appreciation and affection for each other.
At the same time, you will also be able to discuss other possibilities for a new relationship – including a separation, a legal separation, or a SELF-led Divorce®.
What is a “Self-Led Divorce®?”
When divorce or separation has been considered, Compassionate Mediation offers a neutral forum to explore all options with compassion and respect. If divorce is the final outcome, you will be able to create a SELF-led Divorce® that will be for the highest good for all concerned.
A SELF-led Divorce® is one in which you and your partner communicate from your highest and best SELF with compassion, confidence, clarity and courage to peacefully and respectfully re-structure your family.
When Should You Seek Compassionate Mediation?
The sooner Compassionate Mediation® is begun, the better. You will be informed, empowered and able to communicate with honesty and empathy.
Compassionate Mediation® is will help you:
any time you have problems in your relationship
before, during or after your divorce
as soon as you recognize there are issues that cause you to feel distance or pain
communicate without judgment or blame
create a new and better relationship
Compassionate Mediation® is an opportunity to heal and transform your relationship to foster friendship and trust.
If you have been thinking about a divorce, Compassionate Mediation gives you an opportunity to discuss all of your issues that have caused you to feel unhappy, angry or stuck. You can look at your situation from a new perspective and become more SELF-led.
If you are in the middle of your divorce, Compassionate Mediation is an opportunity to end the legal battles and learn a way to communicate and reach a respectful and equitable settlement.
If you are still suffering or fighting after your divorce, Compassionate Mediation gives you new skills with which to relate to your ex-spouse and create healing in your re-structured family.
Compassionate Mediation is for you if you want to try to create a new and better marriage instead of proceeding towards a break-up or divorce with hurt and anger.
Is Compassionate Mediation the same as marriage counseling?
No, it is more.
In marriage counseling, both parties may seem to be committed to staying in the marriage. However, often one or both may have a secret thought of a separation or divorce that they may not share with their partner. This secret agenda covertly affects the way they are able to participate in the counseling since the discussion about what a separation or divorce would look like is never discussed.
Compassionate Mediation is a program to help individuals or couples who are ambivalent about their future. The conversation helps you to decide whether to divorce or create a new marriage based on who each party is now and what they each want and need from this time forward.
The short-term process of Compassionate Mediation Program gives you and your partner information about all of your options, including a separation, legal separation, or a divorce.
With full knowledge of your potential rights, responsibilities, gains and losses, you might renew your desire to truly heal your current relationship and make positive actions in the direction of meeting both of your needs.
If divorce is ultimately your final outcome, you will embark on the process with much more confidence, clarity and calm, and be able to create a SELF-led Divorce®.
Is Compassionate Mediation the same as traditional mediation?
Again, it’s more. In traditional mediation. both parties are committed to pursuing a divorce, and the mediator helps with that conversation.
Compassionate Mediation® also helps you explore whether a new relationship together is still possible as you learn Compassionate Communication. At the same time, you discuss all your rights and responsibilities to feel fully informed and empowered.
In discussing what a “new marriage” would be, you also have an opportunity to create new patterns for all of your needs – financial, parental, familial, sexual.
Compassionate Mediation allows each partner to feel heard, understood and validated no matter what final outcome is chosen.
Time is provided for you to consider all your options – individually and as a couple.
Often, many of the decisions that would be addressed in a divorce mediation are covered in this process: money, parenting, roles and responsibilities, and any other issues that are causing hurt or dissension.
This way, you can begin to recognize what you have each contributed to the current situation, and what you can do yourself to make it better, including getting a job, helping more with the children, or finally knowing how to listen and empathize with your partner’s feelings.
If separation or divorce becomes your decision, you have each acquired the tools necessary to move forward with more honesty, integrity and respect.
The transition to a SELF-led Divorce becomes a healing opportunity rather than the typical adversarial proceeding it might have become.
Your family does not have to be “broken,” but can be peacefully and respectfully “re-structured.”
You and your partner are both encouraged to consider how your actions and choices have contributed to the current situation.
With no fault or blame, you are free to co-create new solutions with higher consciousness and more SELF-leadership.
When each party is in “SELF,” you are more compassionate, clear, confident, courageous, and connected to your inner wisdom and deeper knowing.
Whether you stay together (and create a new and better relationship) or get divorced, what you learn in the Compassionate Mediation Process will enhance your current relationship and give you more awareness in future relationships.
You can decide to create a new marriage, separate without any legal papers, decide on a legal separation or work together to dissolve your union with a SELF-led Divorce.
Whatever your ultimate decision, healing can happen and peace can be restored.
Love is the answer – and it starts with loving your SELF.
Create the Relationship You Desire and Deserve!
No two relationships are alike. If you take a moment to tell me about yours, I can offer you solutions to help you make the changes you need now.
The Compassionate Mediation® Program Are you ready to get the support you need to create the relationship you desire and deserve? Sign up today! Click here Talk with Linda Click here The Compassionate Mediation® Program will help you heal and transform...
Create the life you deserve and desire Improve Your Relationships Now FREE RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT Have a quick look at where you are now, and how you can make improvements starting today. I'm here to help in any way I can. Go HERE for Your Assessment Now Contact me...
