Believe in Your SELF
No matter what has happened in your life or relationships,
You already have everything you need
to come home to your SELF.
Hi, and welcome. I am so happy you are here.
After all that has challenged us in the last year, I want to take a few minutes to help you access your highest and best Self.
Your SELF and Your “Parts”
I believe we all have a healthy SELF. When we are in SELF we are calm, clear, compassionate. Do you know those moments?
They are usually just moments. We are not always “in SELF.” We are often blended with our PARTS.
Think of your PARTS as the different voices you hear in your head.
Sometimes a Part of you wants to make one choice and you have another voice with a different thought or feeling about it.
There are three categories of PARTS
- EXILES
- MANAGERS
- EXTREME
The EXILES are the parts we learned in childhood weren’t going to get our needs met. If we felt sad, scared, hurt, vulnerable–we didn’t want to feel that way, so we pushed those feelings aside. Some of us exiled our anger too, because it wasn’t safe to express it.
The Exiles often wonder, “What about me? Who is going to love and care for me the way I need?”
We often store the energy of the EXILE’S pain somewhere in our bodies. We don’t want to feel the emotional burdens of the EXILES, so we figure out ways to MANAGE.
We go into our heads, and with the help of our Egos, we create the PARTS of us we show the world. We can learn to be nice, pleasing, caretaking.
We can become hardworking, judgmental, blaming. Some of us manage our exiled pain and sadness by becoming angry.Many of us put on what I call a “pseudo-self” when we try to look like we’re “in SELF,” but those EXILED feelings of sadness, fear, or anger are still very present and churning.
When the energy of those EXILES threatens to upset our internal system, and our MANAGERS can no longer contain them and protect us, we have EXTREME parts that activate to numb using some way.
We choose behaviors that take the focus off our EXILE’s pain and give us moments of escape. Some people get addicted to some of those behaviors –with alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, shopping, staying busy, staying in bed, putting up internal walls, getting enraged.
When the EXTREME parts take over, we continue to ignore those EXILED parts and just focus on the EXTREME behaviors –and then the guilt and shame we have because of that behavior –but we effectively continue to ignore the feelings of our Inner Child.
There are ways to unburden that original pain. The first step in letting it go is to acknowledge that it is there. No running away or avoidance or pushing it aside.
You offer loving Compassionate Communication from your Highest SELF to those hurting parts that need and want YOUR attention.You may not have received that attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance as a child, but you can now.
Your parents or caregivers did the best they knew how to do, considering their upbringings and their level of awareness at the time.
Now you can do better.
You can give yourself the compassion, love, attention, and validation you have always wanted.
You can forgive yourself for all choices –the ones you made and the ones you avoided.
You can accept yourself for who you are now –knowing that you are doing the best you know how to do, and you can grow more from self-love and self-care than you can from self-doubt and criticism.
You can begin to COMMUNICATE more COMPASSIONATELY with yourself in every thought you think.
And you can accept and love all of your Parts,which are ALL trying to protect you in some way. They are locked in jobs they have been doing all your life.
Once you give your PARTS all the attention they need to unburden the pain from the past, they carry their own wisdom and light.
You can start to speak FOR your PARTS,rather than FROM your parts.You can rescue your Inner Child from any painful or traumatic event and remind him or her that you survived and how far you have come from that experience.
You can tap into your connection to your faith, your soul, your spirit,and remember there is an infinite source of unconditional love, acceptance, compassion and forgiveness available to you by just remembering it’s there.
When you OPEN yourself to RECEIVE that Spiritual connection of love, faith and your divine essence, you just shine that light on your Internal System of PARTS, and shower yourself with love.
As you become more compassionate and loving towards all parts of yourself, you will have more compassion and love to share with the people closest to you –and with the world.
When your Parts feel YOUR attention, affection,appreciation and acceptance, they are free to evolve.
Your Inner Critic can change to a loving Inner Coach.
Your Rage can turn into your Boundary Monitor, helping you learn how to say “no” when “no” is what you prefer, and how to leave situations that aren’t in your highest good.
Your Protective Parts can shift and change and calm and connect.
There doesn’t have to be an internal polarity because they all have a seat at the table, but YOU, coming from your Highest Self, connected to your Divine Spirit –YOU are in charge.
Over time, your Parts learn to trust You in SELF, and you feel more calm, clear, compassionate, curious, creative, connected, grateful, peaceful, joyful, and loving.
Here are some ways to get to SELF:
Roads Lead to Self: How to Attain Inner Guidance
Angels
Art
Ask for it
Body Scan
Breathe
Channeling
Children
Collage Making
Coloring
Connecting
Dance
Deep Breathing
Drawing
Dreams
Flowers
Focusing
Guided Imagery
Intuition
Journaling
Knowing Place
Labyrinth
Letting Go
Listening
Loving
Mandala
Mantra
Meditation
Miracles
Movement
Music
Nature
Nia
Painting
Parts -‐sending love
Pause
Pets
Prayer
Private Place
Running
Silence
Singing
Sleeping
Slowing Down
Solitude
Space
Sports
Stars
Surrender
Sweat Lodge
Synchronicity
Swimming
Tai Chi
Talking
Qigong
Quiet Mind and Body
Walking
Workshops
Writing
Yoga
MEDITATION
When you learn to meditate, you practice being in the silence that exists between your thoughts.
It allows you to access your true SELF, divine SELF, or spirit, and begin to make choices that align with your true purpose and joy.
You stop the attention you give to your “monkey mind”and habitual thoughts.
You learn how to be here now, love what is, and be the calm in the middle of the storm.
You learn how to look at life from a higher state of consciousness, where you are no longer reacting from a fight/flight or freeze state.
You learn how be less reactive, more responsive, intuitive and creative.
You learn that you can’t solve a problem from the level of awareness that created the problem.
You have to look at a situation from SELF, understanding your parts and others’ parts.
You can have compassion for all of them, and then make your decisions from the highest and best part of yourself, knowing in your soul that we are all spiritual beings having a human experience.
And we are all doing the best we know how to do.
Meditation allows us to have more direct access to SELF.
The more we meditate, the more SELF we can experience and share.
When there is a critical mass of SELF-present, no matter where it comes from or who is showing it, the situation can shift and become more calm and connected immediately.
If you are talking to a spouse, a child, a parent, a loved one,a co-worker, a friend, being in SELF fosters Compassionate Communication.
Being in SELF:
Understand Your Parts
Meditate
Take a Breath
You can get to SELF by unburdening your parts, by practicing meditation, and by taking one breath to get to that stillness within.
TAKE ONE BREATH
For just a moment, I’d like you to notice your body. Just focus inward and scan your body from the top of your head to the soles of your feet, and just notice. Notice any tension or tightness, now notice what you are feeling or thinking. Just notice.
There may be some tightness in your jaw, shoulders, neck, stomach. You may feel some tension in your head, hands, chest. Just notice.
Now please take a breath. One conscious breath.Inhale, hold, exhale, hold. Once more. One deep breath. Inhale, hold, exhale, release.
Inhale “peace”, exhale “love”. Inhale “love”, exhale “peace”.
One breath. Let go.You’re already more in SELF.
For a few seconds you got present, tuned into your body, stopped thinking about any problem, and allowed yourself to just be here now.
You can get to SELF by:
Unburden Your Parts
Meditate
Take a Conscious Breath
Gratitude
GRATITUDE
One other way to get to SELF is to be GRATEFUL. When you are aware of your blessings, no matter what the external situation seems to be, you can come back to that awareness of all the miracles that are currently available,and compassionately communicate with yourself and the world.
One moment at a time, one person at a time, we can become the change we hope to see.
When you believe in your SELF — and stay in constant contact through understanding and loving your Parts — meditate, breathe, and be grateful, life becomes more peaceful, loving and filled with joy.
The SELF in me recognizes and cherishes the beautiful and Divine SELF that is YOU!
Namaste.
Sending you much love,
Linda
How to Love Your SELF
1. Think of all the things you’ve always wanted to do if you had time. Do one -or don’t.
2. Get in bed and vegetate. Don’t be afraid you’ll never get out again. You will
3. Rent movies.
4. Read -a magazine, poetry, a good book, anything.
5. Get a manicure, pedicure, massage -or give yourself one
.6. Plan a trip, a spa-day, a bus ride, a day off, a lunch date. (Call a travel agent to consider a vacation).
7. Give yourself permission NOT TO: bake, cook, clean, shop, or do laundry, dishes, or ironing.
8. Get used to the novelty of deciding what you want to do –and doing some of it.
9. Let go of expectations of yourself and others.
10. Change your paradigm.
11. Set aside some time to be sad, if you want to.
12.Cry.
13.Call a friend or family member.
14.Write a letter, note, poem, short story, your novel.
15.Learn to understand yourself.
16. Join Al Anon or AA.
17. Go to extra meetings.
18. Buy a present for yourself.
19. Make something special to eat — just for you.
20. Get in bed and eat chocolate.
21.Find a new hobby.
22.Play the piano.
23. Paint, color.
24. Think about classes you may want to take and look through catalogues.
25. Entertain.
26. If you do entertain, make it as easy on yourself as possible — paper plates, pot luck.
27. Exercise (walk, yoga, pilates, bike, swim, lift weights, dance!)
28. Breathe deeply, often.
29. Meditate.
30. Hire a babysitter and go out — or stay home.
31. Ask the kids to tuck you in.
32. Take your pet for a walk.
33. Go to a park and swing –or slide!
34. Take a bath.
35. Volunteer.
36.Say “no” when you don’t want to do something.
37.Journal.
38.Give yourself permission to do what you want, when you want, with whom you want.
39Connect with your Inner Child. Give him or her a hug.
40.Listen to his/her feelings to help heal. Empower him/her to have fun and to feel safe, calm, and happy.
Linda Kroll LCPC,JD
Therapist, Mediator, Attorney
As a therapist, mediator and attorney, I have shared Compassionate Communication with thousands of men and women for over 20 years.
I have had the privilege of learning from Dr, Richard Schwartz, Founder of Internal Family Systems and became a Certified IFS Practitioner. I later completed five years of study with Deepak Chopra, David Simon, davidji, and the other wonderful instructors at the Chopra Center University to become a Vedic Master, a teacher of meditation, yoga and perfect health.
I have been mentored by SARK, Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy, who adds fun and play with all that she joyfully creates.
I am a Level Two Reiki Master, grateful lifelong learner, who has had the benefit of many wise teachers and guides.
Today, I am grateful to work with hundreds of women and men as they learn to treat themselves with more kindness and respect so they have more to share with others.
As I have become more SELF-led, I am calmer, clearer and more compassionate with myself and others.
I began to heal from the experiences of my past and understand and accept all parts of myself.
I feel more inner peace and happiness and would love to help you feel the same.
My hope is that you take care of your SELF so that you can communicate with honesty and empathy.
As your relationship with your SELF improves, you will feel more peace, love and joy in all your relationships.
Compassionate Mediation®: Marriage Counseling and Divorce Mediation and more….
(This video was from my LIVE Question and Answer Session from the last Tools for Your Practice Now Course….)
QUESTION FROM live session for Compassionate Mediation Tools for Your Practice Now.
And the first question is, how does Compassionate Mediation differ from traditional Divorce Mediation?
Linda had asked whether Compassionate Mediation® create a dual program, and she said in some states they frowned upon doing mediation and therapy.
I want to speak directly to this.
Up until now, there has been nothing like Compassionate Mediation!
If an individual or a couple wanted to get divorced, they would hire an attorney, they would hire collaborative attorneys, they would go to divorce mediation, and they would get divorced.
If they wanted to go to marriage counseling, they’d find a therapist, or a counselor, or a clergy, and get some counseling.
And I found that after doing 30 years of working with individuals and couples, it’s often not that clear cut.
Because people have “parts” that are ambivalent about what they want to do.
Even when they’re in marriage counseling, one or both members of the couple may have thought about leaving. But unless you address it, it just kind of is an exiled feeling that never gets noticed. And with that, the person that’s harbored that thought can’t fully be present, because they’re still considering “what would it be like if I ended this relationship?”
And when people get divorced, there are still times when they’re wondering if it’s the right thing to do. It’s not always a linear process. There’s a lot of regret, or remorse, of what ifs. But by then, it’s usually too late because the lawyers are involved, the process is started, everyone’s been told, and it carries out the trajectory in the direction of marital dissolution.
So when you have marriage counseling and you have divorce mediation, they are two different skill sets. Compassionate Mediation merges them together.
And what that means is, it’s a process for resolving conflict and it uses the therapeutic skills of IFS, Internal Family Systems, the spiritual growth lessons I learned at the Chopra Center. It also includes information about what a separation or divorce would look like.
Because then in the context of Compassionate Mediation, the couple can talk about it all.
They don’t have to pretend they have this part that hasn’t thought of leaving, and they don’t have to pretend in divorce that they don’t have a part that wishes they could stay together.
Compassionate Mediation empowers you to empower your clients to talk about everything. And they truly can even though they’ve thought of divorce.
Your clients will learn how to connect to their best self, let go of the limiting beliefs and judgments they took on with each other, unburden the pain from the past, and relate from their heart.
And then when you teach them the Miracle of Empathy — where they use” I messages” and talk about their exiled feelings, not their judgment.
When they do that, they can create a whole new relationship, and they often do — and you’ve facilitated it.
And I’ve often said, if we could just spare our children from the shrapnel of our animosity, there’d be a lot more happy families.
Compassionate Mediation teaches Compassionate Communication and fosters compassionate relationships with empathy.
I give you the information that you can give your clients as to what all their different options are. I also give you the information to help you explain to them how to understand their rights and finances.
And then you help them talk about everything and create whatever relationship is going to be in the highest good moving forward.
So Compassionate Mediation® is a hybrid.
I use the term Compassionate Mediation, but perhaps I should have used conscious compassionate conflict resolution.
Certification in Compassionate Mediation®
The certification that I’m offering is actually in Compassionate Mediation Coaching. So you don’t have to worry about the HIPAA laws or whether you’re an attorney, or a coach, or a clergy, or mediator.
Compassionate Mediation is a skillset.
It’s a box of tools that you can use as needed, but it’s also a whole process that I’ve outlined on the FREE Roadmap at www.LindaKroll.com/Roadmap.
The whole process of what we talk about in each session is outlined for you. I give you that tool plus my other tools in the Compassionate Mediation Tools for Your Practice.
And then I’d like to give you my whole process. I’d like to teach you everything that I do so that you can use it in your practice and take it wherever you want in the world.
So I hope that answers your question.
Compassionate Mediation is a new paradigm of conflict resolution.
When Dick Schwartz first founded Internal Family Systems over 30 years ago, I remembered seeing him in a room with a few people, not knowing that 30 years later it was going to be a worldwide phenomenon, started by Dick, many, many years ago.
And I’ve always been at awe of how much work he put in, his dedication, his passion, and how he made all of this come to fruition, along with the other people at the IFS Institute who helped him along the way.
I want to give this to you so that you can share it with your clients.
CLICK HERE for a FREE ROADMAP and VIDEO of the Compassionate Mediation® Process..
Dearest Mom
Dearest Mom,
Happy Mother’s Day.
It’s our first one in different dimensions. The last few you’ve been on a different continent in a different part of the world.
Now you are in Heaven, and I am here.
And still I feel your presence, like the praying mantis that landed on my shoulder in Jerry’s kitchen on the day we buried you in Israel.
I know you are watching, kvelling, advising, loving and protecting me.
I have your picture in my office, and when I video tape myself for the internet, your picture is on a table and you are looking over my right shoulder.
I know you are proud of me, and still think I spend too much time on my computer, but at least we have some buyers this week!
I know you are happy that I have a very good man living with me, devoted to me, caring for me, and I am no longer alone.
I know you are with our loved ones, free from your diminished body and mind, and fully present for them and for me.
I miss you, Mom, but I missed you more when you were alive but not here. That’s not true when I write it. I still could see you and tell you I loved you and have you smile at me sometimes.
I don’t think I’ve ever really processed the pain and fear and sadness and remorse and ultimate powerlessness I felt in the last two months of your life.
I abdicated control to Jerry and Israel, and I regretted deeply their lack of hospice.
I am so very sorry for all the suffering you endured in the name of trying to save you.
I know Jerry meant well, and Israel meant well, but I could see the suffering in your eyes, hear the moans that you made, and saw the look of “help me, save me, let me go” that was in your eyes for the 12 days I spend with you in January.
And when Dana called me in tears, or Healey or Erin, and we all knew that you wanted to be free of the pain, even as Jerry was fighting for your life, it was such an impossible time for all of us.
When I saw your lifeless face in the morgue, I could feel your soul’s presence in the corner of the room, letting me know that you were okay.
I couldn’t cry at your funeral, though I was present and grateful for all who showed up that day to join us as we said goodbye to you.
Jerry’s kids were all in tears, and when I read your eulogy, I was sorry I didn’t speak from my heart instead. But I knew you knew all I wanted to say.
The tears finally came when I said Yiskor with Jerry on the Friday night before shabbas – and before I left Israel to come home.
I loved being around that table of family, sitting in your seat, wishing you were still there.
But we had 97 years – or rather 72 years — together, and they were all wonderful. Truly Mom, you are the Best.
You were always a “little girl” at heart the baby of your family.
But you were also the biggest heart in ours.
Filled with unconditional love, non-judgment, and a capacity to forgive and forget that knew no limits.
You had unlimited hugs, scooches, back rubs, and for most of our lives, chicken soup.
You weathered Daddy’s storms, and continued on without him to forge a life for yourself filled with dates, gambling, shopping, Fox news, great outfits and the constant joy that just being with your family brought you.
You traveled to and from Israel and made it easy for us to ship you back and forth.
You never lost sight of what was going on in all of our lives, and you always had an encouraging word whenever it was needed.
You never missed an opportunity to comment on my hair.
This is my first Mother’s Day without you, Mom, and Jerry’s too.
But your best job of all was fostering the intense love and closeness that we feel as siblings. We drive each other crazy, but we each know home is in each other’s hearts.
You raised a magnificent son, Mom, All that coddling and ironing and supporting paid off. His heart is endless. And even though he has a bit more of Daddy’s volatility than I do (at least overtly), his nashooma is a direct reflection of the best of both of you.
So thanks for my brother, dearest Mother, and for his family that took you in in Israel, and has me and my kids surrounded by love.
Thank you for your legacy of love, Mom… for showing me how to mother and how to adore my progeny with complete devotion.
That’s what you did and still do.
I hope Jerry can feel your presence as I do. I do know you’re in Heaven watching out for both of us – for all of us.
Thank you, Mom, beyond all words…. for being you, and helping me be me.
I’m still a work in progress, but you hold the blueprint, and I keep trying to emulate what I felt from you all my life.
I’ll be grateful for the times I see my kids.
I won’t make them feel guilty for anything they do not do.
I will appreciate every moment, and celebrate family.
Thanks for all the wisdom, lessons, and life example.
I’ll do more to follow in your footsteps, and I know my children will thank me for it.
God bless you always, Dearest Mom, as he has blessed us with having you.
Give my love to all at the Table – and thank Daddy, too, for giving us life.
Love you both…. so much…. xoxo
Book Excerpts
To get a FREE Chapter and introduction of the book, please click HERE
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Table of Contents
Foreword v
Relationship Survey xi
Client Successes xv
Appreciation xxi
Introduction xxvii
SECTION ONE
Compassionate Communication Begins with You
Chapter 1: Connect to Your Highest and Best SELF 1
Chapter 2: Understand and Love Your “Parts” 25
Chapter 3: 5 Steps to Get What You Want and Need 55
Chapter 4: Experience the Miracle of Empathy 63
SECTION TWO
Compassionate Mediation®
Become Your Own Best Advocate
Chapter 5: Explore All Your Options 95
Chapter 6: Learn Your Rights 111
SECTION THREE
Reduce Your Stress with Exquisite SELF-Care
Chapter 7: Tune In To Your SELF 143
Chapter 8: Let Go of Limiting Beliefs 169
Chapter 9: Unburden Your Inner Child 183
SECTION FOUR
Make Decisions from Your Highest SELF
Chapter 10: Add Passion to Your Relationship 189
Chapter 11: Add Compassion to a SELF-Led Divorce® 199
Chapter 12: Compassion for All 229
Introduction
“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them
humanity cannot survive. I truly believe that compassion
provides the basis of human survival.”
—Tenzin Gyatso, the XIVth Dalai Lama
“Should I Stay or Should I Go?”
How many times have you asked yourself this question—over how many days, weeks, months, years, even decades? Do you feel like your relationship is difficult and don’t know how to change it? Have you had marriage counseling that didn’t work? Are you too “checked out” to try again?
Have you ever considered the possibility of divorce, but were not sure what to do next? Are you too scared to even discuss it? Maybe you’re reluctant to talk with an attorney because that would make the situation “real.” Or perhaps you’ve threatened to leave the union for so long now that your partner doesn’t believe you anymore.
Right now, you may be suffering in silence or engaged in all-out battle. Or you might be separated from your partner and each trying to live your own lives without a clear sense of direction for your relationship. But it doesn’t have to stay that way.
When a marriage is in crisis, you suffer from unmet expectations, dashed hopes, stored resentments, quiet desperation or even overt war. You may have created an “impenetrable wall” around your heart as a way to “manage your pain” and protect yourself from more hurt and disappointment. You may have erected “filters” through which you see your partner, clouded with judgment or blame for what she/he did or didn’t do. (“She always does this, he never does that.”)
_______________________________________________________
If you feel you’ve reached the end of your rope—that you can’t go on this way any longer, that you’re at a crossroads and don’t know which way to turn next—before you take a step in any direction, it’s time to come home to your SELF.
_______________________________________________________
My Heart Goes Out to You
You may be reading this book because you are struggling with indecision, trying to decide what to do about your relationship, your family, and your future. You’re likely experiencing many emotions—from sadness, anger, hurt and betrayal, to frustration, guilt, confusion, and a sense of being overwhelmed. I know this is an extremely difficult time because I’ve been there myself.
My Story
I was once where you are now, and it’s a painful, lonely place. I discussed my situation with friends, family members, therapists, and loved ones. Ultimately, however, no one could make my decision for me. There were moments I was clear and determined, but more often, I was trapped in a state of limbo, unable to leave but unhappy in the marriage. Because I have experienced divorce firsthand, I have much to share about what to do—and what not to do.
I was happily married to my college sweetheart, but after twenty years together, we were looking at the possibility of a divorce. I worried about my children, my family, our future. I loved my husband, but we had reached an impasse about what was important to each of us moving forward in our lives. I was unsure what was the right thing to do, and in my uncertainty, I stayed stuck.
For years, I asked myself, “Should I stay or should I go?” In the decade it finally took me to decide, I took the pain of my own failings and missteps and turned them into lessons learned and methods developed that are now helping others succeed.
As I struggled with my own marriage and emotions, I returned to school to study psychotherapy, earning my second graduate degree and becoming a licensed clinical professional counselor, as well as a mediator and attorney. Surely, I thought, as a lawyer, mediator, and therapist, I could get us through our divorce as smoothly and painlessly as possible. But trying to mediate your own divorce is like trying to deliver your own baby. It may be remotely possible, but ultimately, it’s much too difficult.
I thought that by staying together, our family was “intact.” But we didn’t have the tools to have all the conversations we needed to decide together the best road for each of us and our children. Although we stay married for a long time, there were years of pain, fear and indecision that affected us all.
I believed I was being helpful to my children. I thought I was keeping both parents available, even though we were separated. I finally realized that my ambivalence, vacillation, and procrastination created more harm than good. I often felt lost, alone, and didn’t know what I needed to do next.
There Has to Be a Better Way
Years later, when I was sitting in a courtroom for a pre-trial hearing, with my estranged husband on one side and me on the other, I looked into my heart and I figured there had to be a better way. I watched the man who had been by my side at the birth of our two beautiful daughters, the guy who had been my best friend for over twenty years. His gaze avoided mine as we both sat on opposite sides of the room, feeling hurt, angry, afraid of the whole process we were in, and unable to re-connect. It was my worst nightmare come to life. Our marriage was ending, but did it have to end this way?
There has to be a better way to get divorced, I told myself. There has to be a better way to disconnect from someone you once promised to love forever. I wasn’t sure how to make it better for myself, but I knew I wanted to help other people avoid the pain we were both feeling.
For most of my life, I have tried to see a divine plan in the experiences that I have been given. For over 30 years, I have tried to live a more spiritually based life instead of an “ego-based” life. When my ego takes the lead, as a way to manage the fear and uncertainty of the present or future, I have a need to control and judge and have my mind create expectations from my self (small ‘s’). In my attempt to lead a “spiritually based life,” I do my best to communicate from my heart (where I connect with my higher SELF) as I stay open to what the Universe (or God) has planned for me.
I like the scholar and author Brené Brown’s description of spirituality. She said, “Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion. Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose to our lives.”
My own personal belief system is foundational for how I got to where I am. You do not have to have any of these beliefs to benefit from the tools I’ve developed for Compassionate Mediation®. Compassionate Mediation is based on the concepts of Compassionate Communication—or SELF-leadership—along with informed and empowered choices.
Whatever your individual belief system, I hope you will take what you can from this book and use it to help yourself heal and transform your relationship and your family. I know that this process has helped thousands of men and women, and I believe it can offer you some tools to use in your life now.
I agree with the message of Debbie Ford, who wrote in her book, Spiritual Divorce, “Divorce can be a spiritual wake up call during which we have an opportunity to explore our inner world and begin the process of becoming intimate with our entire self—divorce brings us back into the presence of our highest self and heals the split between our ego and our soul.”
After years of working with individuals and couples who were considering or going through a divorce, I created the process of Compassionate Mediation to help you bring your highest and best SELF to your current situation. Then you can make your decision from a more expanded and loving state of awareness.
You will become more conscious of your own thoughts and behaviors. You will learn the skill of Compassionate Communication, in which you drop down from that egoic, judgmental, blaming mind and you drop into your heart, which is filled with love and compassion. The secret to receiving more compassion is learning how to be more compassionate. To paraphrase Gandhi, “Be the change you wish to see in your relationship.” It starts with compassion for yourself, and then extending your compassion to your partner. You can then safely discuss your feelings, expectations, hopes, dreams, and possibilities as you create something new and better together.
Sometimes Compassionate Mediation is something only you will learn because your partner may not want to participate. The process of Compassionate Mediation allows you to accept your circumstances with peace, with forgiveness, with understanding and compassion.
I never wanted my divorce to create the pain and suffering that I had witnessed others endure. I procrastinated for years, as I learned to mediate, meditate, journal, do yoga, talk, get therapy, write, cry, pray and offer counsel to others. I realized in working with my clients that I had developed a peaceful and respectful process that would ultimately be a healing experience as two individuals who once loved each other and created a family together, learned how to respectfully go their separate ways. I wanted to do this for my husband and myself, but especially for our two daughters, who were 8 and 12 when we separated.
You Can Help Your Children
The world needs to be a safer place for marriage and divorce. Children should be shielded from the shrapnel of their parents’ animosity. Compassionate Mediation offers a new paradigm for couples at a crossroads.
The more experience I have, the more compassion I have for the profound sadness and fear underneath my clients’ resentments or rage. No matter how far apart a couple can become emotionally and physically, their children are caught in the middle and continue to feel the strife.
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I believe families need not be “broken,” but can be peacefully and respectfully “re-structured.”
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It’s Never Too Late
Often there is one member of a couple who feels it’s “too late” to save the relationship. However, if just one of you will learn a new way to communicate, miracles can happen and a new and better union can emerge.
I often tell my clients: “This current marriage is ‘over.‘ It’s not about ‘fixing’ or ‘saving’ it or ‘settling’ for what you have. You can create a new and better relationship that is based on who you both are now, what’s important to you, and what you are willing to give to the other of what you each want and need.”
Your children will only have one biological mother and father, no matter how many other partners are introduced into their lives. Children of all ages seek on some level to have a “happy family.” If you can’t find a way to live with the other parent, you can find a way to connect or disconnect with civility, courtesy, and even kindness. Healing can happen, and it starts with you.
Often imagining what the end of your relationship would look like will motivate you and your spouse to try to heal your relationship instead of leaving it. If you’re feeling stuck or unsure about your relationship, or unable to communicate effectively, you can create a more peaceful and respectful connection with Compassionate Mediation. You will be able to make changes before divorce becomes your only option.
You will have a safe forum to talk about everything that has caused you pain or conflict. The conversations will cover all areas of contention or impasse—money, parenting, extended family, work, responsibilities, and even sex. You will be able to discuss everything in a whole new way. Whenever you communicate with more confidence, clarity and compassion, it is possible to create a new, enriching relationship with your partner. Or you can make a peaceful, conscious decision to separate or divorce.
You’ll give yourself the necessary time it takes to focus respectfully and honestly on potential, positive outcomes rather than making a unilateral or irreversible decision to end your marriage. At the same time, however, the sooner you begin the process of Compassionate Mediation, the sooner you’ll begin to make the changes that will heal your family, no matter what form that family takes in the future.
Love is the Answer—and It Starts with Loving Your SELF
Compassionate Mediation is an opportunity to talk about everything that has been a problem, and a chance to create a new marriage to the person you’re living with now.
You begin to love yourself enough to do the work you need to heal the burdens from the past. You learn how to let go of any limiting beliefs that keep you from being open to new possibilities. You connect to your heart, your higher SELF, your witnessing awareness and your wisdom, and then you bring that energy back into your relationship. This book will give you the tools to put these ideals into practice, including links to my website for more support and a deeper dive into your own personal healing and transformation.
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Looking at an ending can help create a new beginning. Compassionate Mediation is a short-term process that helps you bring your best SELF to your relationship so that you can co-create a new and better relationship—no matter what form it takes.
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You can take the time you need to learn more about Compassionate Communication, Compassionate Relationships, and Compassionate Mediation. You will see that if you’re going to make the decision to get divorced, you can create a compassionate and SELF-Led Divorce®, in which you’re communicating from your highest and best SELF for the benefit of all concerned.
The Stress of Uncertainty
Divorce is one of life’s major stressors, but perhaps “wondering if you should get a divorce” can sometimes be more stressful than actually making a decision and moving forward. When you finally decide whether to stay or go, you can confidently move in that one direction. When you are not sure what you want to do, life becomes a series of vastly different possibilities, each with its own set of fears and concerns.
You might wonder, “What if I stay and it never gets any better?” You then project a lifetime where you are stuck in a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs and brings out the worst version of your self.
Perhaps you worry, “What if I leave and I’m all alone and broke and without my children?” You begin to picture all the horrors that are possible, and turn around and vacillate some more. The stress of indecision and procrastination, feeling stuck and overwhelmed is often worse than making a choice. Author Anais Nin has said, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” You have your own choice to make. You can stay where you are or you can explore the possibilities of change.
The constant uncertainty, vacillation, and ambivalence make it hard for you to be present in a calm and peaceful way. You are constantly worrying about your future, concentrating on what is wrong with the present, and ruminating about the pain from the past. All of that behavior increases the feelings of stress that affect your emotional, psychological and physical health. Divorce is almost as stressful as the death of a loved one. It is a different kind of death—the death of a relationship, the death of a marriage, and often the most difficult, the death of a dream.
Explore All Your Options
Compassionate Mediation is a process that helps you either add passion to your marriage or compassion to your divorce. You don’t have to spend years “on the fence” in an unhappy or dysfunctional relationship. You can learn how to speak your truth courageously and set healthy boundaries confidently. You will discover what you truly want and need, believe that you deserve to be happy and fulfilled, and learn how to ask respectfully, receive graciously, and share your gratitude. You will begin to experience more love in your life, even if it means you give it to yourself.
You will learn how to become more empathetic and considerate—first for yourself, and then your partner. You will know how to ask for and get your needs met and forgive yourself and each other. You will remember how to be grateful again for what you do share, and learn how to reflect the attention, affection, appreciation, and acceptance you both desire—no matter the outcome.
You will learn that it’s not always what you say but how you say it. You will experience the healing power of “thank you” and “I’m sorry.” You will safely explore all your options to re-structure your family peacefully and respectfully.
Remember Who You Truly Are
The French philosopher Teilhard de Chardin said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” You can always tune in to who you truly are, underneath your thoughts, feelings, and past experiences. You can connect with what I believe is your divine spiritual nature in the midst of your human experiences. You become more conscious, aware, mindful—in other words, more “SELF-led.” You learn how to choose your responses, your behavior, and your future decisions from your highest and best SELF. Becoming more conscious and SELF-led in your relationship allows you to focus on the higher good for all concerned, and then relate compassionately to heal and transform the dynamics between you and your partner.
In her new book of the same title, Katherine Woodard has described her process of “Conscious Uncoupling” as a loving way to end a marriage. When you are in SELF, you can also choose to consciously couple in a way that leads to more intimacy, passion, connection and fun. You will feel more balanced, peaceful, openhearted, open-minded, and present. This book will help you bring your best SELF into all your relationships.
How to Use This Book
I’ve divided the book into the following sections. Reading them in order gives you a step-by-step guide, but you can go to any section that calls to you first. There are questions for you in many chapters, and the more you answer them, the more inner guidance you will receive.
I suggest that you start a new journal if you’d like, and allow yourself to start the next chapter of your life now as you take the steps to confidently, courageously and calmly explore all of your possibilities.
SECTION ONE: Compassionate Communication Begins with You
Compassionate Mediation begins with learning the skill of Compassionate Communication. Connecting to your best SELF—as you let go of limiting beliefs, heal burdens from your past, and relate from your heart—is the foundation for Compassionate Relationships, Compassionate Mediation, and Compassionate or SELF-Led Divorce®.
As you become more compassionate with your SELF, you will become more willing and able to extend that compassion to others. Your new way of communicating will be evident in the speech you use, your tone of voice, and how you respond. You can unburden your pain from the past, stay “in the now”, and relate in a non-blaming or non-judgmental manner.
Compassionate Communication is a conscious, higher-SELF directed way of relating to others that invites empathy and understanding. Instead of building “walls” around your heart, you create healthy boundaries. You begin to recognize the influence of your Family of Origin and take care of your “Inner Child,” which may be holding onto pain from your past. You learn a new way to communicate that peacefully resolves conflict as you heal wounds from the past and stay present to create a better future.
SECTION TWO: Compassionate Mediation to Become Your Own Best Advocate
You can create a new and better relationship, no matter what form it ultimately takes. You get clear on what is important to you, learn that you deserve to be happy, get confident to ask for what you want, become willing to receive, and stay grateful for all you already share. You do your own healing first. Then you will have the tools to create a new relationship with your partner or on your own.
Your relationship begins to change as you do. You will educate and empower yourself with legal and financial information.It is often these detailed conversations that instill a desire to try harder to heal the pain from the past, forgive yourself and your partner, and create a new and better marriage together. When you become fully informed of the financial reality of your current situation, coupled with newfound empathy for the feelings of your partner, you can make changes that can immediately impact your relationship in a positive way.
However, if your ultimate decision is to get a divorce, Compassionate Mediationwill provide the framework for a peaceful and respectful SELF-Led Divorce.
SECTION THREE: Reduce Your Stress with Exquisite SELF-Care
Stress is often due to not getting your needs met, and when there is conflict or disharmony in your relationship, stress is always present. You can lower your stress, by tuning into your SELF with breathing, yoga, meditation, and other modalities. You will also be guided on how to let go of limiting beliefs and heal burdens from your past so that you can feel more balance, peace, and joy. You may believe that “when you make a decision, you’ll feel better.” But the opposite is true. When you feel better, you’ll be able to make the right decision for yourself and your family.
SECTION FOUR: Make Decisions from Your Highest SELF
Will you end up with a new Compassionate Relationship or a peaceful and compassionate SELF-Led Divorce? As you practice Compassionate Communication and discuss your options through Compassionate Mediation, you and your partner can each bring your best SELF into a new and improved passionate relationship. Learning to show compassion rather than judgment makes deeper and connection possible. Your relationships with others will also improve. You will learn how to talk with your children, family and friends as you instill a message of cooperation and friendship to be shared by all.
You may realize that you and your partner have each done the best you knew how to do, that you’re grateful for all that you’ve shared, and yet you realize it’s time to go your separate ways. You can then consider a divorce that is created from your highest and best SELF. You can heal from the past and move forward with forgiveness, friendship, and freedom.
SECTION FIVE: Compassion for All
You offer compassion to your children, your parents, your friends, co-workers, and your extended family. You will become more patient with the process of counseling, mediation, separation and/or divorce, so that you can make your decisions from a place of SELF-leadership and higher consciousness. You will also learn how to be more compassionate with new partners, step-families and everyone touched by your present and future decisions. Your own inner peace is one step in the direction of family peace. Your higher SELF brings you to new heights of consciousness, connection, and compassion for yourself and others.
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If couples put as much energy into learning how to communicate with compassion as they have to put into getting a divorce, profound changes can occur within them and between them.
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I’m Here to Help
I hope that you will use this book as you would the support of a friend, one who has been there and one who cares. If you are feeling conflicted, uncertain, scared, or alone, take some time to breathe and relax. Life will get better. You will learn a safe way to have those discussions you’ve been avoiding. Compassionate Mediation embraces spiritual wisdom from many teachers to create a new paradigm for communication. You can transform your relationship instead of dissolving your marriage.
While we routinely recognize the pain and suffering from wars and illnesses, I wonder how many other casualties can be attributed to the fall of a family. How many innocent bystanders are harmed by the decision of two people to terminate a marriage? How many generations pay the price of familial conflict?
I know there is a better way. I watch my clients create it. I hope you can change your relationship struggles into an experience that enriches your family rather than continuing on the current pathways that may be destroying it. Should you stay or go? Only you have that answer. Compassionate Mediation can show you how to find it.
I offer you my experience and my knowledge to coach you as you move forward from wherever you are now to wherever you’re hoping to be. I’m here to help in any way I can. From my heart to yours, I’m sending a great deal of love and support.
Free Book Chapter
Compassionate Communication Care Kit
Free Compassionate Mediation® Roadmap
