I want to share my process of Compassionate Mediation® to help you or your clients who are having conflict in their relationships.
I am offering a free webinar, a quiz, a program and a professional training – all beginning this month.
Here is a link to my latest newsletter that covers all the details.
Compassionate Mediation® is an IFS-based model for conflict resolution that is based on my book Compassionate Mediation® for Relationships at a Crossroad: How to Add Passion to Your Marriage or Compassion to Your Divorce.
Richard Schwartz, PhD, Founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) said, “Divorce brings out the worst in us and often leaves lasting scars… Linda Kroll is a master at lifting couples out of their narrow protective perspectives. They then learn the larger lessons from their relationships and proceed based on the best interests of all involved… This is relationship healing at its best.”
Please contact me if you have any questions. I would love to share this transformational process with you so that you can also deliver it to your clients.
Compassionate Mediation® starts with Compassionate Communication
If you are having conflict in your relationship, Compassionate Mediation® will help.
You will learn how to connect to your highest and best SELF and resolve your issues with empathy and respect.
Compassionate Mediation® starts with Compassionate Communication.
To learn more, please join me in the Compassionate Communication Community on Facebook. www.Compassionate Communication.GROUP.
Compassionate Communication
Compassionate Communication allows you to connect to your highest and best SELF, let go of limiting beliefs and judgments, unburden pain from the past, and relate from your heart.
Connect to your best SELF
When we are “in SELF,” we’re calm, clear, and compassionate.
We’re usually not “in SELF.”
We’re in our Parts, and the parts that we’re in, we either EXILE some parts and push them aside and don’t tell our partner that we’re really sad and scared, and instead we try to MANAGE by being nice or pleasing or being stoic or being hardworking or pretending we’re in self. Pretending everything is okay. But we’re really feeling a lot of these hurt, sad, scared, maybe even angry feelings that we’re not sharing.
So instead we do things to numb ourselves. We stay real busy. We exercise too much. We drink. We take drugs. We go have an affair. We get depressed. We get enraged. We do a lot of different things, but these are all human reactions to a very painful, scary condition.
When we’re in self, then we are less reactive and can be more responsive.
Four Ways to Get to SELF
There are four ways to get to self. The first way is to just take a breath because all that anxiousness, all those voices, “Do I want to stay? Do I want to go? What do I want to do? How do I want to be? Can I put my wall down? Is it safe? How am I going to look at him or her through the filter?”
We take a breath. We come to the present moment, and we’re not regurgitating the past to what they did to us then, and we’re not projecting that into the future as if it’s going to be that way forever, but we’re present. In that present moment, there’s a lot more possibility.
Speak for our parts not from our parts . The second way to get to SELF is to recognize that we have these Parts and we speak for them, but not from them. It’s okay to say from your higher SELF, “There’s a part of me that’s angry because of something. There’s a part of me that’s scared when you do that. I’m feeling sad because.” When we’re talking from SELF, it’s a whole different dialogue.
Let go of limiting beliefs . When you are compassionately communicating, you are relating from self. You’re letting go of your limiting beliefs and judgments about the other person. You are unburdening the pain from the past, not carrying it with you and projecting it into the future.
Relate from your heart . When you’re in your higher SELF, it’s safe to open your heart. It may mean you’ll be setting more boundaries. It may mean that you choose to leave, but you can do it from your higher SELF.
When you bring your best SELF to your relationship, it will improve no matter what your partner does or doesn’t do.
You will also know that you are not adding negativity to the situation.
Whatever the outcome of the conflict, you will feel better about your contribution.
Try it, you’ll see. You will also inspire your partner to show up with less defensiveness and reactivity.
Together, you can create a SELF-led relationship that fosters more compassion and connection.
You can begin to make positive changes today
by taking my FREE Relationship Assessment.
(CLICK HERE)
“Love is the answer – and it starts with loving your SELF.”
My Prayer for a Peaceful Parting
The night before I was to be in court to finalize my divorce after a very long separation, I was moved to convert my sadness, hurt and anger into hope for a new beginning.
I wrote a prayer.
When I arrived at the courtroom, I gave a copy to my formerly beloved (and soon to be ex) husband and to his attorney. I hoped to end our marriage in a way that would set the tone for a peaceful and respectful co-creation of our future restructured family.
I wanted us to always be able to Compassionately Communicate — to connect our highest and best SELF, let go of all the limiting (and judgmental) beliefs we held, unburden pain from the past, and relate from our hearts.
I hoped we could protect our children from the shrapnel of any more animosity or conflict.
I offered it as my prayer, and for some, it can be an intention. It was my heartfelt request for a future of respectful co-parenting, genuine friendship and Compassionate Communication.
I hope others can set the same intention or recite the same prayer.
My Settlement Prayer
I pray for a peaceful and respectful settlement meeting, in which all parties come together from their Highest Selves and their truest connection to Your guidance, wisdom and love.
I pray that the parts of ourselves that are angry, fearful, defensive, revengeful, retributive, punitive, unloving, unforgiving, sad, young, abandoned, resentful, negative, hurting and hurtful – that all these parts be quelled with the leadership of the Self, coming from a place of trust in Your presence and light.
I pray for compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. Although our marriage has come down to a business closing of money and asset division, I ask that we remember the love that brought us together, and the wonderful children, which our union has borne. For their sakes as well as our own, we wish to put an end to this process in as respectful and loving a way as possible.
Although we each carry our sadness and pain and mutual regrets, I pray that we can look beyond this difficult period to a time when we can be friends and coexist peacefully. I pray that our once intact family can be rearranged to two intact and loving homes, where our children feel connected and comfortable. I pray that we can hold in a different light the love that once joined us forever; that on the deepest level we wish each other well as we let go and let G-d direct our lives.
For the sake of all we once had, and for all we had planned to share together, let us now finalize the terms of our marital dissolution so that we are both free to get on with our lives.
Let us complete this last painful task with a sense of trust in the love we once shared and hopefully can remember after this part is over.
Let us not work from purely simple and self-serving motives, but keep in mind the general welfare of each of us, and our children.
Let us request our attorneys to contribute what is needed for the mutual benefit of all concerned.
In the end, let us know that we behaved civilly, that we can look back with a clear conscience, and that as much as we could, we came from our hearts. G-d bless us and direct us all. Amen.
His lawyer looked it over, and jokingly asked him, “Are there any changes you want to make in this document?”
We all laughed —sometimes through our tears – which is kind of like life
Even in the heartache, there can come healing and hope.
I have a passion to make the world a safer place for marriage and divorce.
Of all the wars and illnesses, I wonder how many more casualties are attributed to the fall of a family. How many innocent bystanders are harmed by the decision of two people to terminate a marriage? How many generations pay the price of familial conflict?
I know there has to be a better way. I share it with my clients daily
I help individuals and couples a new way to communicate based on empathy and compassion. They can then use these skills to talk about all their issues including parenting, feelings, finances, and even sex.
We also discuss specific issues that would be addressed if they would make a decision to separate or divorce. Possible scenarios for property division, maintenance, child support and parenting are addressed as well as day-to-day decision-making. What to tell children, parents and friends, and how to navigate the grieving and healing are also discussed.
I integrate wisdom from many teachers to create a new paradigm for conflict resolution that includes legal, financial, emotional and spiritual healing.
I believe, “Families need not be broken, but can be peacefully and respectfully re-structured.”
The anger and resentment that typify divorce are factors of unresolved fears and sadness. When couples can learn how to speak their truth from Self, connected to their Highest Power (G-d, Buddha nature, inner truth), they can have compassion for themselves and each other in a way that allows for forgiveness, healing and personal growth.
I encourage SELF-Leadership by working to unburden the “Parts” of themselves that carry pain from their past. By finding and healing their inner child, they can move forward in life with more compassion, clarity, calm, confidence, creativity, connectedness and curiosity.
I also help clients learn how to access Self directly through meditation, prayer, journaling, therapy, support groups, and different theories of healing modalities that encourage a body-mind-spirit connection and wholeness.
I want to help people
Learn how to compassionately communicate from their highest and best SELF
Create a Compassionate Relationship – no matter what form it takes.
Focus on healing pain from the past.
Practice exquisite self care.
Create a new and better relationship with their current partner OR
Experience a better way to divorce that fosters personal and spiritual growth.
Bringing spiritual wisdom – acceptance, forgiveness, humility, responsibility, compassion, non-judgment — is liberating and life-enhancing to all members of a re-structured family.
The best gift you can give your children is to minimize conflict.
Learning to love and accept yourself with compassion allows you to be more compassionate with others.
Forgiveness helps you let go with love in a way that you can feel liberated, energized and free to live your life from your highest potential.
My book and online course will help:
Individuals or couples considering divorce, going through a divorce or even post-divorce
anyone is a relationship having conflict
friends or relatives who want to offer this guidance to people who need it
Grandparents who want to give it to their children considering divorce so that the feelings and needs of the grandchildren could become a priority.
The audience could give it to their spouses, their children, or anyone touched by divorce, to help them find the gifts in the experience.
The reader would feel the book was a “spiritual and emotional guidebook” written with them in mind to help them each step of the way.
It will benefit at least 50% of the total world’s population affected by divorce because spiritual growth, rather than pain and suffering, would be the outcome of future marital dissolutions.
Create the Relationship You Desire and Deserve!
No two relationships are alike. If you take a moment to tell me about yours, I can offer you solutions to help you make the changes you need now.
“Unicorn,” is defined as“a creature of the imagination; a person that exists only in legends or myths or fiction.”
As a therapist, mediator and attorney, I see many unhappy individuals and couples longing for the “happily ever after” they had planned. The ones in the most pain are not sure if they want to stay or go.
To many of my clients, the possibility of experiencing a truly happy marriage seems as remote and impossible as sighting that “imaginary creature represented as a white horse with a long horn growing from its forehead.”
A happy marriage is not a mythical or magical experience. It’s the end result of many acts of two people who truly CARE about each other.
You can appreciate that despite your best efforts, from time-to-time you’re going to trigger each other. Or hurt each other. Or scare, sadden or disappoint the other.
The difference between reality and mythology is that the happy marriage doesn’t miraculously appear. In the real world, you can create a happy marriage by learning a few Compassionate Communication skills — including empathy and forgiveness — and applying them liberally and often to your relationship.
What I have learned over the years is that the difference between a happy and an unhappy marriage is that in the HAPPY one, each partner truly CARES.
Partners share:
C – Compassion for themselves and their partner. Compassion is not codependency. It’s a healthy perspective on your own needs as well as your partner’s. It’s knowing the 5 steps to receive what you truly want and need and practicing the miracle of empathy.
A – Acceptance of all the idiosyncrasies that make your partner unique. Acceptance is the ability to love someone for who they are, and not who you need them to be. It is also accepting the humanity and divinity of both of you, knowing we are spiritual beings having a human experience. And marriage can trigger all our human parts.
R – Respect for each other’s individuality. Respect is the ability to see the good traits of your partner and honor those. No one is perfect. As Sam Keen said, ” We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.”
E – Empathy for your feelings, desires and needs. Empathy means you listen, understand, and truly care what your partner feels, and they learn to do the same for you. You drop the walls you’ve built to protect yourself and the filters through which you have judged each other and truly relate from your heart.
S – Self love that allows each of you to practice healthy self-care. True self-love is the ability to take exquisite care of yourself, no matter the circumstances. You give yourself the attention, affection, appreciation and acceptance you need. Then you share all that love with your partner.
If you’re unclear where your relationship is breaking down in this CARES model, I can help.
Bottom line: Unicorns don’t exist, but happy marriages do. You can have one — if you try.
And if you do your best, and CARE as much as possible and it’s still not meeting your needs, you can have a Compassionate Divorce®, which isn’t a Unicorn either. https://amzn.to/3nfd0WV
Linda Kroll is a therapist, mediator, attorney, Chopra Certified Master Teacher, and author of the bestselling Compassionate Mediation® for Relationships at a Crossroad: How to Add Passion to Your Marriage or Compassion to Your Divorce.
Is a “Happy Marriage” the Unicorn of Relationships?
It’s not a mythical dream! Here’s how you can get your marriage back on track.
“Unicorn,” is defined as “a creature of the imagination; a person that exists only in legends or myths or fiction.”
As a therapist, mediator and attorney, I see many unhappy individuals and couples longing for the “happily ever after” they had planned. The ones in the most pain are not sure if they want to stay or go.
To many of my clients, the possibility of experiencing a truly happy marriage seems as remote and impossible as sighting that “imaginary creature represented as a white horse with a long horn growing from its forehead.”
A happy marriage is not a mythical or magical experience. It’s the end result of many acts of two people who truly CARE about each other.
You can appreciate that despite your best efforts, from time-to-time you’re going to trigger each other. Or hurt each other. Or scare, sadden or disappoint the other.
The difference between reality and mythology is that the happy marriage doesn’t miraculously appear. In the real world, you can create a happy marriage by learning a few Compassionate Communication skills — including empathy and forgiveness — and applying them liberally and often to your relationship.
What I have learned over the years is that the difference between a happy and an unhappy marriage is that in the HAPPY one, each partner truly CARES, and that means they share:
C Compassion for themselves and their partner. Compassion is not codependency. It’s a healthy perspective on your own needs as well as your partner’s. It’s knowing the 5 steps to receive what you truly want and need and practicing the miracle of empathy.
A Acceptance of all the idiosyncrasies that make your partner unique. Acceptance is the ability to love someone for who they are, and not who you need them to be. It is also accepting the humanity and divinity of both of you, knowing we are spiritual beings having a human experience. And marriage can trigger all our human parts.
R Respect for each other’s individuality. Respect is the ability to see the good traits of your partner and honor those. No one is perfect. As Sam Keen said, ” We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.”
E Empathy for your feelings, desires and needs. Empathy means you listen, understand, and truly care what your partner feels, and they learn to do the same for you. You drop the walls you’ve built to protect yourself and the filters through which you have judged each other and truly relate from your heart.
S Self love that allows each of you to practice healthy self-care. True self-love is the ability to take exquisite care of yourself, no matter the circumstances. You give yourself the attention, affection, appreciation and acceptance you need. Then you share all that love with your partner.
If you’re unclear where your relationship is breaking down in this CARES model, I can help. Take my free Unhappy Marriage Quiz – and find out how to heal and transform your relationship.
Bottom line: Unicorns don’t exist, but happy marriages do. You can have one — if you try.
(And if you do your best, and CARE as much as possible and it’s still not meeting your needs, you can have a Compassionate SELF-Led Divorce®, which isn’t a Unicorn either.)
Linda Kroll is a therapist, mediator, attorney, Chopra Certified Master Teacher, and author of the bestselling Compassionate Mediation® for Relationships at a Crossroad: How to Add Passion to Your Marriage or Compassion to Your Divorce. You can get a free chapter of the book at LindaKrollBook.com, and get free gifts and resources for Compassionate Communication and Compassionate Mediation® at LindaKroll.com. Linda’s 8-week live online course on Compassionate Mediation® begins soon. To learn more, join her upcoming live free webinar“Should I Stay or Should I Go: Five Vital Questions to Help You Know!“
Hi, Dear Ones, I just wanted to share the story I wrote for my six year old granddaughter — who didn’t want to order her own hamburger last night and cried when I suggested she tell the waiter instead of tell me. After I wrote it, I realized it applies to me too. Sending love to all!
The Proud and “Perfect” Princess
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Princess who was very proud and wanted to be seen as perfect.
She didn’t like to make mistakes or have anyone notice if something she said or did was wrong, or could have been better, or had room for improvement.
So she never tried anything new.
She only did the few things that she was comfortable doing, that she knew she could do well. She stayed in her Comfort Zone, which was very small and confining.
She felt confident in her comfort zone. She didn’t care that she never left it, because she had servants who would do the things she wasn’t comfortable doing.
When she went to a restaurant, she had her servant order for her because she was not comfortable talking to strangers. If someone had a suggestion for how to learn to do it, she would cry because it would mean she would have to leave her comfort zone, do something new, and not be perfect the first few times. She was too embarrassed, and didn’t want to talk about it.
So she stayed in her comfort zone, even though it meant she never could grow into a Powerful and Prestigious Princess who would someday make a Questioning and Quality Queen.
Then one day, she looked around and realized, “I want to grow up. I don’t want to stay a Princess forever. Someday I want to be a the Queen.”
And that was the day she gave herself Permission not to be Perfect. And she left her Comfort Zone.
Little by little, she tried new things.
She made mistakes
She learned to laugh at herself instead of cry.
She had more interesting things to do.
She felt more confident, courageous, and curious about everything.
And most of all, she had more fun!
She grew up to be a Quality Queen who questioned everything wherever she went.
She was always learning something new and exciting.
And she lived happily ever after.
P. S. (It’s always comforting when we can love and accept our own inner child. Sending love and hugs from mine to yours! xoxoxo)
