What You Need to Know if You’re Thinking of Divorce
This is a very difficult time, and my heart goes out to you.
You may be feeling sad, angry, hurt, scared, betrayed, frustrated, confused or overwhelmed. I have prepared this book to let you know that you do have many options, the pain will subside, and you will have the opportunity for happiness freedom, and inner peace. You can find support and guidance and make choices to help heal yourself and your family
As a mediator, therapist, and attorney, I have provided HeartCentered Support to hundreds of women and men considering a divorce. I offer individual or marital counseling, mediation or divorce counseling, and personal growth groups and workshops. I believe families need not be “broken” but can be peacefully and respectfully restructured/
If you would like to find a time for a brief chat to see how I can help you, please click HERE.
I will explain and outline your legal, financial and emotional rights and responsibilities. I will also offer suggestions on what to tell your children and family members, where to go for help and support, and how to empower yourself for the benefit of all concerned.
When there are problems in a relationship, it is often a catalyst for personal growth. Before you decide on a divorce, you should consider all other possible choices. You could ask your partner to go with you for marital counseling or choose to seek individual counseling for yourself. You might separate for a time without any legal action, or finally decide to end your marriage.
Consider Counseling as an Option
In marital counseling, you could try to build a new relationship with your spouse based on who you both are now and what you choose to create together from this point forward. If your spouse won’t go with you for help, you can go alone
Individual counseling can help you change within your marriage. As you grow more independent and centered, you bring a new energy to the relationship which could improve the communication between you and your spouse. Sometimes the fact that divorce has become an option is the factor that makes you and your spouse realize how unhappy you are and how necessary it is to make changes in the relationship
You might join a group where you can find camaraderie and support as you process your feelings and clarify your thinking.
Explore your options
If counseling is not helpful to reconcile your marriage, separation is an option. You do not need to obtain a legal separation. You don’t need any formal document to separate. Many couples stay separated for a long time, even years, before they decide whether to reconcile or to legally terminate their marriage
If you ultimately make the decision to get a divorce, you have choices as to how to do it. You can mediate with a mediator, negotiate with attorneys, or litigate in court before a judge. If one spouse wants a divorce and the other one does not, a divorce can usually be obtained within two years. Irreconcilable differences are the grounds used most often, especially since the courts will divide property and allocate maintenance without regard to marital misconduct
Consider Mediation for a “win-win” outcome.
In the past, each spouse would select an attorney, and the attorneys would negotiate with each other or litigate the case in front of a judge in court. In recent years, mediation has become a preferred method for dissolving a marriage.
Mediation is a voluntary process in which you and your spouse work together to make decisions that will affect the future of each of you and of your children. Mediation empowers both spouses as you decide together about the issues of child custody and support, maintenance, and property settlement.
You can interview mediators by phone and then make an appointment to meet with the mediator with your spouse. The mediator is either an attorney or a therapist who has received training in divorce mediation. If possible, you might be able to find a mediator who is both a therapist and an attorney, which provides for both the emotional and legal issues to be addressed.
The mediator is a neutral party who structures the sessions as you work together to decide on property division, allocation of maintenance and children’s issues of child support and shared parenting.
The mediator will not go to court so you and your spouse will need your own attorneys. You can consult with your attorney in between mediation sessions to help plan how to negotiate and what you might suggest and request
The mediator will guide you through the maze of decisions that will need to be made. You and your spouse will list all assets, debts, income and expenses, and generate options to enable you to make decisions that are equitable and meet both of your needs. The mediator will request supporting documents to make sure that all information offered will be verified
In mediation, you will also work out the details of a parenting agreement to provide for shared parenting and child support decisions.
Child Support, Maintenance and Property Settlement
Whether you mediate, negotiate through your attorneys, or litigate the matter in court before the judge, the major areas of discussion will be property division, maintenance allocation, and child support and custody issues.
Child support is often paid by the non-residential or non-custodial parent until each child reaches the age of 18 or graduates high school, whichever is later. The amount of child support to be paid is determined by the number of children and the net income of the payor. For one child in Illinois, the payment is usually 20% of the net income; two children is 28% , 3 is 32%, 4 is 35%. However the courts may deviate from these percentages based on the facts of each situation. Child support is tax free to the recipient
In my mediated documents, I often create a “shared parenting agreement” that does not designate one “residential” parent, but allows for an equitable distribution of time with the children and financial contributions by each parent.
Maintenance
Maintenance is the term that used to be referred to as “alimony.” If one party receives maintenance, the amount and length of time would be based on many factors including the need of one spouse and the other spouse’s ability to pay.
The amount of maintenance will vary, as will the length of time it is paid. If two spouses are earning equal amounts, there may be no maintenance paid by either. In long term marriages where the wife has been out of the work force, the amount may be greater at first and then diminish as she has more experience in supporting herself. There are cases in which a higher-earning wife can pay maintenance to her husband
Maintenance can be reviewable, modifiable, or permanent. Reviewable or modifiable maintenance may be looked at by the court in the future to terminate, amend or modify the maintenance amount
Modifiable maintenance means that if the circumstances of either spouse change, they can ask to have the maintenance amount reviewed. Maintenance is taxable to the recipient.
Permanent maintenance is not granted very often. It may pertain to marriages in which the spouse receiving maintenance has been out of the work force for a long time and may have some health issues that would prevent them from being able to earn money in the future.
Property Settlements
Property settlements are based on equitable distribution and relevant criteria.
Relevant Criteria for support and property division are a set of guidelines that the court would look to if a judge were deciding the outcome of the case. Usually in dividing the property, there is an equitable distribution, but that division can vary based on the respective incomes of each party, the length of the marriage, the health and income earning potential of each, among other factors
In determining the division of property, the contribution of a spouse as homemaker is held to be as valuable as the income earned by the other spouse. Other relevant factors include where the children will reside, the age and health of each spouse, and how much maintenance will be paid
The property to be divided is called the marital estate which may include the value of your home, your investments, bank accounts, stock and bond accounts, retirement accounts, (Pension, IRA’s, 401K’s), businesses that may be owned, cars, cash value of any life insurance policies, and all money earned and all property acquired during the marriage, no matter whose name is listed as owner
Some of the assets are not included in the marital estate. These are referred to as non-marital assets which may include premarital assets, or those you had before you were married, those acquired by gift, or assets acquired by inheritance. The inheritance would not be a marital asset as long as only one spouse’s name is on the assets, and those assets were never commingl
Inherited assets are considered commingled when both spouses are listed as owners, or if ever one spouse took some of the inherited assets and used it for a joint marital expense. For example, if one spouse took out $10,000 to buy stocks in both spouses names and then put that $10,000 back into the inheritance ledger, it might be considered commingled.
Debts may also be marital, even if one spouse incurred them. Debts are also divided on an equitable basis and it must be decided who is responsible for paying which debt. There may also be non-marital debts.
Decisions about the your other assets
When you begin to think of dividing the assets, you will need to make some decisions about the marital home. Often, that is one of the most emotional issues of the divorce process. You can decide to sell the house and divide the net value. You can choose to let one parent live there with the children for a certain amount of time, with the house to be sold and the sales price split at the end of a designated time period. You can discuss all of your options in mediation. Usually it is not a good idea to trade your interest in retirement funds in order to keep the house. Retirement funds appreciate while the house depreciates and is costly to maintain
Retirement funds may also be marital assets that can be divided, no matter whose name is on the retirement accounts
When a business is a marital asset, you may need to hire an expert to put a value on the business. You and your spouse can agree on one expert and then use the valuation as a basis for asset division. If there is not a lump sum of cash available to pay off one spouse’s share, there can be a monthly pay out for the property settlement in addition to child support and maintenance
For example, if a business has a value of $100,000, and each party is entitled to $50,000, the one who keeps the business can pay the other party $2000 a month for at least twenty five months to pay off the debt
Term life insurance is not considered a marital asset. However, if you have a whole life insurance policy, there may be a cash value which is a marital asset. A life insurance policy may be used to guarantee the amount of maintenance or child support which is to be paid after the divorce.
Child Support and Child Custody
When making decisions about parenting and child support payments, the divorce decree requires a “custody designation”. There are the options of sole or joint legal custody and sole or joint physical custody
Usually, joint legal custody means that both parents will have a voice in their children’s medical and educational decisions. Joint physical custody means the children will live with both parents at least some of the time. Often the designation is joint legal custody and joint physical custody with one parent’s home as the primary residence
The Parenting Agreement creates a baseline of decisions. As long as the two of you can agree to co-parent in the best interests of your children, you can be flexible. You can work out a parenting schedule that is based on the needs of your children and on each parent’s availability
My favorite scenario is two loving homes and parents who appreciate the need for both parents to be involved in their children’s liv
The Parenting Agreement should be reviewed at least once a year to make sure it is meeting everyone’s needs as much as possible.
Some of the other issues that will be covered depends on the ages and maturity level of your children. The residence of the children can change every other week, different days during the week, alternate weekends and one night a week, or any other scenario that you can decide.
You will also need to specify who pays for extra expenses, which may include camp, lessons, tutors, and child care. Insurance for the children will be covered by one parent, and the other parent may contribute to extraordinary medical expenses, such as orthodontia or counseling
Your personal research
As you consider divorce, you can begin to do research on what it would cost you to live on your own. You can explore other places where you could live and how much it would cost a month. You can investigate options for health insurance for yourself. You might qualify for Cobra coverage on your spouse’s health insurance policy, but that only lasts for 36 (thirty-six) months and then you will need your own policy.
Choosing an attorney
Choosing an attorney is an important decision. You should interview several until you find one with whom you feel comfortable. Remember, you are hiring the attorney and he or she will be working for you. You will want someone with whom you can collaborate on reaching settlement, and who is open to working with mediators and to negotiate in good faith with your spouse’s attorney.
Fees and retainers for attorneys will differ between attorneys and will differ for their time in their office, in court or on trial. Court costs are often separate. You should receive copies of all filings and correspondences. There will be a contract to sign. Many will send itemized bills each month, but you may have to request it. You should expect your attorney to return phone calls within twenty-four hours or to have someone in his or her office return your call during that time.
Some attorneys do not charge for very short phone calls, while others bill for fifteen minutes no matter how brief the conversation. Ask your attorney if you will be billed for six, ten or fifteen minute increments and then use your time efficiently
If you are served legal divorce papers by your spouse, you should consult an attorney immediately. You will have a specified time, usually 30 days in which to file a legal response in court. Failure to legally respond within the required time may result in legal sanctions being entered against you by the court, or you could be defaulted
If you were defaulted, your spouse could proceed with your divorce without your knowledge, and obtain a divorce and property division in which you do not participate. Therefore, if you are served papers by your spouse, you should consult an attorney immediately. Otherwise, you can take your time.
Take Your Time
There are many decisions to make during a divorce, which is why you need to take your time and proceed at a pace which is comfortable for you. This book is offered to provide an overview of your rights and responsibilities. Aside from the legal and financial decisions, you have to take care of yourself emotionally.
Take all the time you need to make any decision, and then take more time to adjust emotionally as you move along in the process. Sometimes it takes years to decide to get divorced and the more years to actually finalize it
Whether you are first beginning to think about the possibility of divorce or have recently been served papers by your spouse, take the time you need to prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, legally and financially.
Some deadlines are built into the process. If you have court dates, you must comply, although continuances are often granted for a variety or reasons. In mediation, you can set your own timing.
Unless there is a compelling and unmodifiable deadline for something, learn to listen to your own internal voice and honor it, and don’t pay any attention to others who tell you to hurry the process. They are often well meaning friends or relatives who think that as soon as the divorce is over, you can “move on”. You can “move on” as the divorce proceeds, and sometimes you are not ready to let go until you’ve done some of the personal work that time will help you accomplish.
So don’t criticize yourself for not getting enough done, or taking time off, or not wanting to think about it or deal with it. That is part of the process, and your inner voice will tell you when you are ready to engage. You can’t hide under the covers forever (though at times that feels like the most inviting scenario.) But you can try to be as much in control of the time frame as feels comfortable for you, no matter what your spouse, your lawyer or your mother might say.
One important caveat to “taking your time” is this: Make sure you aren’t stalling out of denial or some illusory hope that if you hang in there long enough “you will change your spouse.” There is nothing you can say or do that will change someone else. Each person has to make his or her own decision if they want to grow.
Our own power lies in our ability to change ourselves. Take the time you need to exercise your power in a way that is healthy for you and your children. Take the time you need to go into marital counseling if your spouse agrees and if you think it might help heal your issues that are leading to a divorce. Take the time you need to emotionally prepare for each new stage of a divorce.
Do not procrastinate your life away by trying to make someone change Do not keep turning the other cheek to abuse of any kind. Change yourself and no matter what happens, you will be happier and healthier and feel more alive and energized than you ever may have dreamed.
There are many decisions to make during a divorce, which is why you need to take your time and proceed at a pace which is comfortable for you. Aside from the legal and financial decisions, you have to take care of yourself emotionally.
This is a time to join a support group, see a counselor, find ways to take care of yourself. You might begin to journal or learn how to meditate. There are good books to read to help foster your personal and spiritual growth. Remember to breathe. Taking deep breaths, so that you fill yourself with oxygen, helps you to relax and calm yourself.
And be careful when you are driving, since people are prone to have more automobile accidents when considering divorce or going through one
As you take care of yourself, you will be better able to take care of your children.
Talking with your children
Your children may be facing their own emotional crises. There are many things you can do to provide guidance and support to them at this time depending on their ages and maturity level. The best gift that you can give your children is to minimize conflict between you and your spouse.
When it comes time to talk to your children, tell them only what they need to know. There are age appropriate conversations. You would not discuss your decision the same way with your young children as you might with your teenagers. Whatever words you use, you can let them know that you and your spouse are having problems that you are working on together. If you do decide to separate or divorce, you and your spouse can tell them together.
You can let them know that you both love them and that you each will be there for them. Make sure they understand the separation or divorce is not their fault. Let them know it’s okay for them to feel sad or angry or scared, and that you will be there to help them with their feelings. Assure them that you will be taking care of yourself and your own feelings, and that they do not have to take care of you
Do not use your children as your confidantes, and do not turn to them for emotional support. They may need to see a counselor or join a support group on their own, depending on their age and emotional reactivity to the separation. Rainbows is an excellent organization that provides free support groups in your area to all children, ranging in age from very young through adulthood.
Hopefully you can convey to your children that they will have two homes where they will feel loved and be comfortable and then you and your spouse can work together to make that promise a reality.
Your Family and Friends
Your family and friends love you and want to support you, but they may not know what to say or do. No matter how well meaning they are, no one can make the decision to divorce for you.
Your friends and family will also have adjustments of their own to make. So be compassionate with them and with yourself. It’s a difficult time for all concerned.
Roller Coaster of Divorce
Divorce brings a roller coaster of emotions. Divorce is the death of a marriage, and the same emotions are present that Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified with stages of grieving – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, are true for divorce. Many parts of yourself are activated – the angry parts, scared, sad, hurt, rageful, revengeful
Divorce – before, during and after, is often like a roller coaster ride. Sometimes you are stopped – feeling stuck, and other times it seems that you are careening out of co
Your feelings vacillate from sad to angry; determined to afraid. You can cry anywhere at any time, and feel that your heart is breaking and all nerve endings are exposed. You might wish the world would know why you are so volatile, unpredictable, and vulnerable, and be forewarned to treat you gently.
Grieving the loss
Everyone has suffered losses of different kind. Whenever there is a loss of any kind, there is grieving that must be done, and it must be experienced in order to move on and to heal.
You might feel that it is easier to deny the pain and try to “forget it”, or “live with it” or “not make waves”, which doesn’t work. The pain stays and comes in ways which may not be expected: depression, shame, guilt, intense need, compulsions, food addictions, drinking, drugs
Perhaps you never have been taught how to express emotions in a healthy way. You may have learned to be ashamed of your needs, to recoil from your anger, to silence your sadness, or to ignore your fear. Your role models may have shown you how NOT to be, and you are afraid that if you express your emotions, you will do it inappropriately or that you might hurt others as they have hurt you
You may believe that your anger will come out as rage, or your needs will be so overwhelming that others will abandon you. You fear that by stating your feelings you might hurt someone else’s feelings. You may just not know how to be angry. Perhaps you intellectualize and stay in your head as a way of distancing yourself from your emotions.
The only way beyond is through
You can’t ignore your anger, sadness, pain, fear. The only way to get beyond them is to go through them. You can’t stuff them down forever. You can’t forget about them or make them go away by ignoring them. You must allow yourself the right and the time and the opportunity to express th
You may need to get some help as you practice recognizing and acknowledging your feelings. You can begin by accepting those feelings yourself and then learning how to express them to others in healthy ways. It is a process, an evolution. It’s a matter of being open to the process and willing to express yourself, and to let go and grow.
Changing your paradigm.
Your paradigm is your picture of the world and your place in it. Divorce transforms the fabric of your life, which involves both growth and chang
While growth can be empowering and liberating, change can be very frightening. It forces you to confront the unknown. You give up your old ways of thinking and feeling and behaving, and begin to learn new ways. But the time in the middle feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you, like you’re falling into a deep pit, or like that ride on that roller coaster.
But when you get off the roller coaster, you will be a more authentic person, with a new set of dreams, roles and relationships. Divorce can bring your own rebirth, rejuvenation and renewal. Giving birth to oneself is a painful process. However, someday you may become grateful to your ex-spouse for giving you the opportunity to grow into who you are meant to become. You go through the fire to the other side.
Your old paradigm is shaped by what you were taught and ideas you internalized. You will learn to identify the old tapes that have added to your perceptions and learn techniques to change the messages on them.
As you change, you can keep the goods parts and edit the useless, no longer necessary, people-pleasing compulsions. You can learn what you need and want and ways to achieve them. You learn what you will and won’t tolerate. You will learn how to say “no” – without guilt. You will stop waiting for someone to take care of you and will be able to take care of yourself. And as you become healthier, you will attract healthier people into your life
Divorce is a time when you begin to look inside yourself to find out what you want and need and how to give it to yourself. Take your time and tune inside to your own inner voice and your own true Self.
Meditation
Finally, I offer the following as a meditation to help you find inner peace. If you are listening to this tape in your car, please don’t close your eyes
Take a few deep breaths, and as you do, begin to relax your body. As you exhale, let go of any tension or tightness. As you inhale, bring in a sense of peace and serenity. As you breathe, let your abdomen relax, and fill with air. Fill you lungs and your diaphragm. If you want, as you exhale, say “ah” and let the sound release the tension in your body
So inhale, down to your abdomen, expanding your diaphragm and your rib cage, and as you exhale, let out an “ahhhhh”
Now let your breathing return to normal. If you want, close your eyes. Picture yourself walking through a doorway to a beautiful scene in nature. Feel the warmth of the sun and the wind gently touching your face. You might find a place in nature, one that you know or one that you can imagine. There might be water, or flowers or beautiful views all around. Look at all the colors, the shapes. Allow yourself to feel and sense all the beauty of this safe place. Find a comfortable place to rest there and just relax and let go.
Relax your eyes and eyelids, your forehead, and your jaw. Relax your teeth, your tongue, your lips, your mouth, relax your face.
Relax your scalp, your neck, your head.
Relax your shoulders, your arms, elbows, wrists, hands and fingers.
Relax your back, your shoulder blades and all the muscles along your spine.
Relax your chest, your lungs, your diaphragm.
Relax your stomach, your abdomen, your waist.
Relax your hips, your buttocks, your groin.
Relax your thighs, your knees, calves, shins.
Relax your legs, your ankles, feet and toes.
Relax your whole body and your mind as you let yourself be peaceful, calm and serene.
Stay in this safe space as long as you want, and know that you can always return whenever you take the time to quiet your mind and find the place of peace and harmony of your AUTHENTIC self. It is from this space and place that you can ask for inner guidance to help you make your decisions as you move forward
You are not alone. There are many people and resources to help you at this difficult time.
If I can be of any help, please call me at 847-914-0560 or visit my website at www.lindakroll.com.
I wish you luck on your path. You will find the inner strength and freedom to fly on your own. You have inside of your all the answers you need. Take your time. Listen for your own voice. And take good care of yourself.
Suggestions for Talking with Your Children
Choose a time to tell the children when you can be together. If you have children of various ages, you may tell them at different times as your conversations not be the same. Whether you tell all the children at the same time, you should both be together whenever you tell any child.
You may first tell your children that you are planning to separate. This can be less painful than the “divorce discussion”, but often a “separation” is just a euphemism for divorce. Use “separation” if it applies to the following
Plan what you are going to say, and who is going to say what. It probably won’t go as planned, but if you have talked about it first, then you can feel a little more secure that one or both of you will know what to say. Or what not to say. Also, saying it aloud for the first time without the children present may allow you to cry or feel your feelings before you meet with them. The more calm you are when you speak to your children, the more calm they can be. The more respectful you can each be of the other creates the most safety for your children.
Remember that the greatest gift you can give your children is to minimize conflict between you. Much has been written about the aftermath of divorce and how it adversely affects your children. By the time you are ready to have this discussion, you may have exhausted your possibilities of reconciliation. I believe that the most harm to our children comes from the pain we inflict on our spouses. The more we show compassion and respect, the more we enhance the quality of our children’s lives.
Plan a time that you can talk about your plans to divorce, and then have time afterwards to process the discussion. Don’t tell them when the children have to go somewhere right after the talk. You wouldn’t tell your teenager before she goes to a party, nor would you tell your younger children right before they leave for school. Sometimes parents have planned to take the children to a park, have dinner together, or do something afterwards that can assure your children that you can all be friendly during and after this process. This may feel impossible to you, so just structure the timing that you can both be available to your children after the talk.
Tell your children that you want to talk with them . Sometimes, before you say anything, your children will say “you’re getting divorced”. Other times, they know and don’t believe it or feel that if they don’t speak about it then it can’t be rea
Let them know that you love them and you will both always be there for them. Children get scared at the idea of divorce, just as you do. Knowing that they will always have love from both of you can make them feel safer
Assure them this is not their fault. Children tend to think they did something wrong or might have caused the break up.
You can say that you have some issues between the two of you that made you both decide you were going to get divorced. Even though one of you might have brought up divorce before your spouse, very few people want to be married to someone who does not want to be married to them. Whether you realize it yet or not, there were factors in your relationship that made it difficult for both of you. Probably neither one of you has been happy for a long time.
It is not your children’s business to know what those “issues” are. This is where boundaries in the discussion are very important. Whether there has been an affair, an addiction, or abuse, it is not necessary to talk about it now (or possibly ever) with them. The reasons are your reasons, and telling them just allows one of you to vent at your children’s expense.
They will ask what those reasons are. You and gently, but firmly, let them know that you will not be telling. them. You will have to be consistent with this, as they will continue to ask even after the talk. It will often take a great deal of restraint and maturity for you to hold this boundary. You might want to them “your side of the story”. However, there are always two sides to a story, and the children do not need to be in the middle of it.
Remember that anything negative you say about the other parent reverberates in your children’s hearts. You are speaking about 50% of who they are. A judgment of your spouse implicitly becomes a criticism of them as well.
Tell them that you will always be available to discuss their feelings with them. Let them know that it is normal to feel sad, scared, angry, hurt, and that they can talk to both of you at any time about what they are feeling.
Don’t make your children your confidantes. You are there to listen to them, but they do not have to be burdened with your emotions. Many sensitive children take it on as their responsibility to help Mommy or Daddy and “make them happy”. This scenario should be avoided at all costs. (Alice Walker’s Drama of the Gifted Child addresses the issues that arise for children who think they must be caretakers of their parents.)
Let them know that you will take care of yourself and they don’t have to take care of you. You can tell them that you are seeing a counselor, have joined a support group, or have many friends who are there to assist you. If it seems helpful at this time, tell them about “Rainbows”, a place where they can talk about their feelings with other children who are going through the same thing. Rainbows is an international organization started by Suzy Yehl Marta to help children whose parents were going through a divorce. Rainbows offers free support groups that are age appropriate in your neighborhood. These groups last six weeks and are facilitated by trained volunteers.
Answer their questions that are their concerns. Your children may want to know where they will be living, what school they will attend, who will be leaving the house and when, where will the other parent live, when will they see them. To the extent that you know the answers, let your children have this information. Whatever questions are still unanswered, tell them you will let them know as soon as you make those decisions.
Ask them if they want to talk about their feelings now. They may cry, they may yell, they may want to go out and play with their friends. Don’t be surprised at any response. Just be there to hear them and to hold them.
When the talk is over, you can go somewhere in private to process your own tears, or your relief. And then go do something nurturing with your children, or if they are not available, then nurturing to yourself.
One of the hardest parts is over. Now you can live congruently and compassionately. You don’t have to hide the reality, and now your children can begin to talk about their feelings, fears, concerns. It will usually be a relief to you because you don’t have to hide anything from them any more.
Your children may have questions in the future. Let them know they can ask you about issues that pertain to them. And keep your boundaries clear.
Have compassion for everyone, including yourself.
Settlement Intention
I intend to have a peaceful and respectful settlement meeting, in which all parties come together from their Highest Selves and their own inner guidance and wisdom.
I intend that the parts of ourselves that are angry, fearful, defensive, revengeful, retributive, punitive, unloving, unforgiving, sad, young, abandoned, resentful, negative, hurting and hurtful – that all these parts be quelled with the leadership of the Self, coming from a place of trust in my own presence and light.
I intend to show compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. Although our marriage has come down to a business closing of money and asset division, I intend that we remember the love that brought us together, and the wonderful children which our union has borne. For their sakes as well as our own, we wish to put an end to this process in as respectful and loving a way as possible.
Although we each carry our sadness and pain and mutual regrets, I intend that we can look beyond this difficult period to a time when we can be friends and coexist peacefully. I intend that our once intact family can be rearranged to two intact and loving homes, where our children feel connected and comfortable. I intend that we can hold in a different light the love that once joined us forever; that on the deepest level we wish each other well as we let go.
For the sake of all we once had, and for all we had planned to share together, let us now finalize the terms of our marital dissolution so that we are both free to get on with our lives.
Let us complete this last painful task with a sense of trust in the love we once shared and hopefully can remember after this part is over.
Let us not work from purely simple and self-serving motives, but keep in mind the general welfare of each other and our children.
Let us request our attorneys to contribute what is needed for the mutual benefit of all concerned.
In the end, let us know that we behaved civilly, that we can look back with a clear conscience, and that as much as we could, we came from our hearts.
Settlement Prayer
I gave the following prayer to my husband and our attorneys on the day we got divorced. I offer it as a prayer or as a statement of intention.
Dearest God,
I pray for a peaceful and respectful settlement meeting, in which all parties come together from their Highest Selves and their truest connection to Your guidance, wisdom and love
I pray that the parts of ourselves that are angry, fearful, defensive, revengeful, retributive, punitive, unloving, unforgiving, young, abandoned, resentful, negative, hurting and hurtful – that all these parts be quelled with the leadership of the Self, coming from a place of trust in Your presence and light.
I pray for compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. Although our marriage has come down to a business closing of money and asset division, I ask that we remember the love that brought us together, and the wonderful children our union has borne. For their sakes as well as our own, we wish to put an end to this process in as respectful and loving a way as possible.
Although we each carry our sadness and pain and mutual regrets, I pray that we can look beyond this difficult period to a time when we can be friends and coexist peacefully. I pray that our once intact family can be rearranged to two intact and loving homes, where our children feel connected and comfortable. I pray that we can hold in a different light the love that once joined us forever; that on the deepest level we wish each other well as we let go and let G-d direct our lives.
For the sake of all we once had, and for all we had planned to share together, let us now finalize the terms of our marital dissolution so that we are both free to get on with our lives
Let us complete this last painful task with a sense of trust in the love we once shared and hopefully can remember after this part is over.
Let us not work from purely simple and self-serving motives, but keep in mind the general welfare of each other, and our children.
Let us request our attorneys to contribute what is needed for the mutual benefit of all concerned.
In the end, let us know that we behaved civilly, that we can look back with a clear conscience, and that as much as we could, we came from our hearts.
God bless us and direct us all. Amen.
What You Need to Know if You’re Thinking of Divorce
This is a very difficult time, and my heart goes out to you.
You may be feeling sad, angry, hurt, scared, betrayed, frustrated, confused or overwhelmed. I have prepared this book to let you know that you do have many options, the pain will subside, and you will have the opportunity for happiness freedom, and inner peace. You can find support and guidance and make choices to help heal yourself and your family
As a mediator, therapist, and attorney, I have provided HeartCentered Support to hundreds of women and men considering a divorce. I offer individual or marital counseling, mediation or divorce counseling, and personal growth groups and workshops. I believe families need not be “broken” but can be peacefully and respectfully restructured/
If you would like to find a time for a brief chat to see how I can help you, please click HERE.
I will explain and outline your legal, financial and emotional rights and responsibilities. I will also offer suggestions on what to tell your children and family members, where to go for help and support, and how to empower yourself for the benefit of all concerned.
When there are problems in a relationship, it is often a catalyst for personal growth. Before you decide on a divorce, you should consider all other possible choices. You could ask your partner to go with you for marital counseling or choose to seek individual counseling for yourself. You might separate for a time without any legal action, or finally decide to end your marriage.
Consider Counseling as an Option
In marital counseling, you could try to build a new relationship with your spouse based on who you both are now and what you choose to create together from this point forward. If your spouse won’t go with you for help, you can go alone
Individual counseling can help you change within your marriage. As you grow more independent and centered, you bring a new energy to the relationship which could improve the communication between you and your spouse. Sometimes the fact that divorce has become an option is the factor that makes you and your spouse realize how unhappy you are and how necessary it is to make changes in the relationship
You might join a group where you can find camaraderie and support as you process your feelings and clarify your thinking.
Explore your options
If counseling is not helpful to reconcile your marriage, separation is an option. You do not need to obtain a legal separation. You don’t need any formal document to separate. Many couples stay separated for a long time, even years, before they decide whether to reconcile or to legally terminate their marriage
If you ultimately make the decision to get a divorce, you have choices as to how to do it. You can mediate with a mediator, negotiate with attorneys, or litigate in court before a judge. If one spouse wants a divorce and the other one does not, a divorce can usually be obtained within two years. Irreconcilable differences are the grounds used most often, especially since the courts will divide property and allocate maintenance without regard to marital misconduct
Consider Mediation for a “win-win” outcome.
In the past, each spouse would select an attorney, and the attorneys would negotiate with each other or litigate the case in front of a judge in court. In recent years, mediation has become a preferred method for dissolving a marriage.
Mediation is a voluntary process in which you and your spouse work together to make decisions that will affect the future of each of you and of your children. Mediation empowers both spouses as you decide together about the issues of child custody and support, maintenance, and property settlement.
You can interview mediators by phone and then make an appointment to meet with the mediator with your spouse. The mediator is either an attorney or a therapist who has received training in divorce mediation. If possible, you might be able to find a mediator who is both a therapist and an attorney, which provides for both the emotional and legal issues to be addressed.
The mediator is a neutral party who structures the sessions as you work together to decide on property division, allocation of maintenance and children’s issues of child support and shared parenting.
The mediator will not go to court so you and your spouse will need your own attorneys. You can consult with your attorney in between mediation sessions to help plan how to negotiate and what you might suggest and request
The mediator will guide you through the maze of decisions that will need to be made. You and your spouse will list all assets, debts, income and expenses, and generate options to enable you to make decisions that are equitable and meet both of your needs. The mediator will request supporting documents to make sure that all information offered will be verified
In mediation, you will also work out the details of a parenting agreement to provide for shared parenting and child support decisions.
Child Support, Maintenance and Property Settlement
Whether you mediate, negotiate through your attorneys, or litigate the matter in court before the judge, the major areas of discussion will be property division, maintenance allocation, and child support and custody issues.
Child support is often paid by the non-residential or non-custodial parent until each child reaches the age of 18 or graduates high school, whichever is later. The amount of child support to be paid is determined by the number of children and the net income of the payor. For one child in Illinois, the payment is usually 20% of the net income; two children is 28% , 3 is 32%, 4 is 35%. However the courts may deviate from these percentages based on the facts of each situation. Child support is tax free to the recipient
In my mediated documents, I often create a “shared parenting agreement” that does not designate one “residential” parent, but allows for an equitable distribution of time with the children and financial contributions by each parent.
Maintenance
Maintenance is the term that used to be referred to as “alimony.” If one party receives maintenance, the amount and length of time would be based on many factors including the need of one spouse and the other spouse’s ability to pay.
The amount of maintenance will vary, as will the length of time it is paid. If two spouses are earning equal amounts, there may be no maintenance paid by either. In long term marriages where the wife has been out of the work force, the amount may be greater at first and then diminish as she has more experience in supporting herself. There are cases in which a higher-earning wife can pay maintenance to her husband
Maintenance can be reviewable, modifiable, or permanent. Reviewable or modifiable maintenance may be looked at by the court in the future to terminate, amend or modify the maintenance amount
Modifiable maintenance means that if the circumstances of either spouse change, they can ask to have the maintenance amount reviewed. Maintenance is taxable to the recipient.
Permanent maintenance is not granted very often. It may pertain to marriages in which the spouse receiving maintenance has been out of the work force for a long time and may have some health issues that would prevent them from being able to earn money in the future.
Property Settlements
Property settlements are based on equitable distribution and relevant criteria.
Relevant Criteria for support and property division are a set of guidelines that the court would look to if a judge were deciding the outcome of the case. Usually in dividing the property, there is an equitable distribution, but that division can vary based on the respective incomes of each party, the length of the marriage, the health and income earning potential of each, among other factors
In determining the division of property, the contribution of a spouse as homemaker is held to be as valuable as the income earned by the other spouse. Other relevant factors include where the children will reside, the age and health of each spouse, and how much maintenance will be paid
The property to be divided is called the marital estate which may include the value of your home, your investments, bank accounts, stock and bond accounts, retirement accounts, (Pension, IRA’s, 401K’s), businesses that may be owned, cars, cash value of any life insurance policies, and all money earned and all property acquired during the marriage, no matter whose name is listed as owner
Some of the assets are not included in the marital estate. These are referred to as non-marital assets which may include premarital assets, or those you had before you were married, those acquired by gift, or assets acquired by inheritance. The inheritance would not be a marital asset as long as only one spouse’s name is on the assets, and those assets were never commingl
Inherited assets are considered commingled when both spouses are listed as owners, or if ever one spouse took some of the inherited assets and used it for a joint marital expense. For example, if one spouse took out $10,000 to buy stocks in both spouses names and then put that $10,000 back into the inheritance ledger, it might be considered commingled.
Debts may also be marital, even if one spouse incurred them. Debts are also divided on an equitable basis and it must be decided who is responsible for paying which debt. There may also be non-marital debts.
Decisions about the your other assets
When you begin to think of dividing the assets, you will need to make some decisions about the marital home. Often, that is one of the most emotional issues of the divorce process. You can decide to sell the house and divide the net value. You can choose to let one parent live there with the children for a certain amount of time, with the house to be sold and the sales price split at the end of a designated time period. You can discuss all of your options in mediation. Usually it is not a good idea to trade your interest in retirement funds in order to keep the house. Retirement funds appreciate while the house depreciates and is costly to maintain
Retirement funds may also be marital assets that can be divided, no matter whose name is on the retirement accounts
When a business is a marital asset, you may need to hire an expert to put a value on the business. You and your spouse can agree on one expert and then use the valuation as a basis for asset division. If there is not a lump sum of cash available to pay off one spouse’s share, there can be a monthly pay out for the property settlement in addition to child support and maintenance
For example, if a business has a value of $100,000, and each party is entitled to $50,000, the one who keeps the business can pay the other party $2000 a month for at least twenty five months to pay off the debt
Term life insurance is not considered a marital asset. However, if you have a whole life insurance policy, there may be a cash value which is a marital asset. A life insurance policy may be used to guarantee the amount of maintenance or child support which is to be paid after the divorce.
Child Support and Child Custody
When making decisions about parenting and child support payments, the divorce decree requires a “custody designation”. There are the options of sole or joint legal custody and sole or joint physical custody
Usually, joint legal custody means that both parents will have a voice in their children’s medical and educational decisions. Joint physical custody means the children will live with both parents at least some of the time. Often the designation is joint legal custody and joint physical custody with one parent’s home as the primary residence
The Parenting Agreement creates a baseline of decisions. As long as the two of you can agree to co-parent in the best interests of your children, you can be flexible. You can work out a parenting schedule that is based on the needs of your children and on each parent’s availability
My favorite scenario is two loving homes and parents who appreciate the need for both parents to be involved in their children’s liv
The Parenting Agreement should be reviewed at least once a year to make sure it is meeting everyone’s needs as much as possible.
Some of the other issues that will be covered depends on the ages and maturity level of your children. The residence of the children can change every other week, different days during the week, alternate weekends and one night a week, or any other scenario that you can decide.
You will also need to specify who pays for extra expenses, which may include camp, lessons, tutors, and child care. Insurance for the children will be covered by one parent, and the other parent may contribute to extraordinary medical expenses, such as orthodontia or counseling
Your personal research
As you consider divorce, you can begin to do research on what it would cost you to live on your own. You can explore other places where you could live and how much it would cost a month. You can investigate options for health insurance for yourself. You might qualify for Cobra coverage on your spouse’s health insurance policy, but that only lasts for 36 (thirty-six) months and then you will need your own policy.
Choosing an attorney
Choosing an attorney is an important decision. You should interview several until you find one with whom you feel comfortable. Remember, you are hiring the attorney and he or she will be working for you. You will want someone with whom you can collaborate on reaching settlement, and who is open to working with mediators and to negotiate in good faith with your spouse’s attorney.
Fees and retainers for attorneys will differ between attorneys and will differ for their time in their office, in court or on trial. Court costs are often separate. You should receive copies of all filings and correspondences. There will be a contract to sign. Many will send itemized bills each month, but you may have to request it. You should expect your attorney to return phone calls within twenty-four hours or to have someone in his or her office return your call during that time.
Some attorneys do not charge for very short phone calls, while others bill for fifteen minutes no matter how brief the conversation. Ask your attorney if you will be billed for six, ten or fifteen minute increments and then use your time efficiently
If you are served legal divorce papers by your spouse, you should consult an attorney immediately. You will have a specified time, usually 30 days in which to file a legal response in court. Failure to legally respond within the required time may result in legal sanctions being entered against you by the court, or you could be defaulted
If you were defaulted, your spouse could proceed with your divorce without your knowledge, and obtain a divorce and property division in which you do not participate. Therefore, if you are served papers by your spouse, you should consult an attorney immediately. Otherwise, you can take your time.
Take Your Time
There are many decisions to make during a divorce, which is why you need to take your time and proceed at a pace which is comfortable for you. This book is offered to provide an overview of your rights and responsibilities. Aside from the legal and financial decisions, you have to take care of yourself emotionally.
Take all the time you need to make any decision, and then take more time to adjust emotionally as you move along in the process. Sometimes it takes years to decide to get divorced and the more years to actually finalize it
Whether you are first beginning to think about the possibility of divorce or have recently been served papers by your spouse, take the time you need to prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, legally and financially.
Some deadlines are built into the process. If you have court dates, you must comply, although continuances are often granted for a variety or reasons. In mediation, you can set your own timing.
Unless there is a compelling and unmodifiable deadline for something, learn to listen to your own internal voice and honor it, and don’t pay any attention to others who tell you to hurry the process. They are often well meaning friends or relatives who think that as soon as the divorce is over, you can “move on”. You can “move on” as the divorce proceeds, and sometimes you are not ready to let go until you’ve done some of the personal work that time will help you accomplish.
So don’t criticize yourself for not getting enough done, or taking time off, or not wanting to think about it or deal with it. That is part of the process, and your inner voice will tell you when you are ready to engage. You can’t hide under the covers forever (though at times that feels like the most inviting scenario.) But you can try to be as much in control of the time frame as feels comfortable for you, no matter what your spouse, your lawyer or your mother might say.
One important caveat to “taking your time” is this: Make sure you aren’t stalling out of denial or some illusory hope that if you hang in there long enough “you will change your spouse.” There is nothing you can say or do that will change someone else. Each person has to make his or her own decision if they want to grow.
Our own power lies in our ability to change ourselves. Take the time you need to exercise your power in a way that is healthy for you and your children. Take the time you need to go into marital counseling if your spouse agrees and if you think it might help heal your issues that are leading to a divorce. Take the time you need to emotionally prepare for each new stage of a divorce.
Do not procrastinate your life away by trying to make someone change Do not keep turning the other cheek to abuse of any kind. Change yourself and no matter what happens, you will be happier and healthier and feel more alive and energized than you ever may have dreamed.
There are many decisions to make during a divorce, which is why you need to take your time and proceed at a pace which is comfortable for you. Aside from the legal and financial decisions, you have to take care of yourself emotionally.
This is a time to join a support group, see a counselor, find ways to take care of yourself. You might begin to journal or learn how to meditate. There are good books to read to help foster your personal and spiritual growth. Remember to breathe. Taking deep breaths, so that you fill yourself with oxygen, helps you to relax and calm yourself.
And be careful when you are driving, since people are prone to have more automobile accidents when considering divorce or going through one
As you take care of yourself, you will be better able to take care of your children.
Talking with your children
Your children may be facing their own emotional crises. There are many things you can do to provide guidance and support to them at this time depending on their ages and maturity level. The best gift that you can give your children is to minimize conflict between you and your spouse.
When it comes time to talk to your children, tell them only what they need to know. There are age appropriate conversations. You would not discuss your decision the same way with your young children as you might with your teenagers. Whatever words you use, you can let them know that you and your spouse are having problems that you are working on together. If you do decide to separate or divorce, you and your spouse can tell them together.
You can let them know that you both love them and that you each will be there for them. Make sure they understand the separation or divorce is not their fault. Let them know it’s okay for them to feel sad or angry or scared, and that you will be there to help them with their feelings. Assure them that you will be taking care of yourself and your own feelings, and that they do not have to take care of you
Do not use your children as your confidantes, and do not turn to them for emotional support. They may need to see a counselor or join a support group on their own, depending on their age and emotional reactivity to the separation. Rainbows is an excellent organization that provides free support groups in your area to all children, ranging in age from very young through adulthood.
Hopefully you can convey to your children that they will have two homes where they will feel loved and be comfortable and then you and your spouse can work together to make that promise a reality.
Your Family and Friends
Your family and friends love you and want to support you, but they may not know what to say or do. No matter how well meaning they are, no one can make the decision to divorce for you.
Your friends and family will also have adjustments of their own to make. So be compassionate with them and with yourself. It’s a difficult time for all concerned.
Roller Coaster of Divorce
Divorce brings a roller coaster of emotions. Divorce is the death of a marriage, and the same emotions are present that Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified with stages of grieving – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, are true for divorce. Many parts of yourself are activated – the angry parts, scared, sad, hurt, rageful, revengeful
Divorce – before, during and after, is often like a roller coaster ride. Sometimes you are stopped – feeling stuck, and other times it seems that you are careening out of co
Your feelings vacillate from sad to angry; determined to afraid. You can cry anywhere at any time, and feel that your heart is breaking and all nerve endings are exposed. You might wish the world would know why you are so volatile, unpredictable, and vulnerable, and be forewarned to treat you gently.
Grieving the loss
Everyone has suffered losses of different kind. Whenever there is a loss of any kind, there is grieving that must be done, and it must be experienced in order to move on and to heal.
You might feel that it is easier to deny the pain and try to “forget it”, or “live with it” or “not make waves”, which doesn’t work. The pain stays and comes in ways which may not be expected: depression, shame, guilt, intense need, compulsions, food addictions, drinking, drugs
Perhaps you never have been taught how to express emotions in a healthy way. You may have learned to be ashamed of your needs, to recoil from your anger, to silence your sadness, or to ignore your fear. Your role models may have shown you how NOT to be, and you are afraid that if you express your emotions, you will do it inappropriately or that you might hurt others as they have hurt you
You may believe that your anger will come out as rage, or your needs will be so overwhelming that others will abandon you. You fear that by stating your feelings you might hurt someone else’s feelings. You may just not know how to be angry. Perhaps you intellectualize and stay in your head as a way of distancing yourself from your emotions.
The only way beyond is through
You can’t ignore your anger, sadness, pain, fear. The only way to get beyond them is to go through them. You can’t stuff them down forever. You can’t forget about them or make them go away by ignoring them. You must allow yourself the right and the time and the opportunity to express th
You may need to get some help as you practice recognizing and acknowledging your feelings. You can begin by accepting those feelings yourself and then learning how to express them to others in healthy ways. It is a process, an evolution. It’s a matter of being open to the process and willing to express yourself, and to let go and grow.
Changing your paradigm.
Your paradigm is your picture of the world and your place in it. Divorce transforms the fabric of your life, which involves both growth and chang
While growth can be empowering and liberating, change can be very frightening. It forces you to confront the unknown. You give up your old ways of thinking and feeling and behaving, and begin to learn new ways. But the time in the middle feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you, like you’re falling into a deep pit, or like that ride on that roller coaster.
But when you get off the roller coaster, you will be a more authentic person, with a new set of dreams, roles and relationships. Divorce can bring your own rebirth, rejuvenation and renewal. Giving birth to oneself is a painful process. However, someday you may become grateful to your ex-spouse for giving you the opportunity to grow into who you are meant to become. You go through the fire to the other side.
Your old paradigm is shaped by what you were taught and ideas you internalized. You will learn to identify the old tapes that have added to your perceptions and learn techniques to change the messages on them.
As you change, you can keep the goods parts and edit the useless, no longer necessary, people-pleasing compulsions. You can learn what you need and want and ways to achieve them. You learn what you will and won’t tolerate. You will learn how to say “no” – without guilt. You will stop waiting for someone to take care of you and will be able to take care of yourself. And as you become healthier, you will attract healthier people into your life
Divorce is a time when you begin to look inside yourself to find out what you want and need and how to give it to yourself. Take your time and tune inside to your own inner voice and your own true Self.
Meditation
Finally, I offer the following as a meditation to help you find inner peace. If you are listening to this tape in your car, please don’t close your eyes
Take a few deep breaths, and as you do, begin to relax your body. As you exhale, let go of any tension or tightness. As you inhale, bring in a sense of peace and serenity. As you breathe, let your abdomen relax, and fill with air. Fill you lungs and your diaphragm. If you want, as you exhale, say “ah” and let the sound release the tension in your body
So inhale, down to your abdomen, expanding your diaphragm and your rib cage, and as you exhale, let out an “ahhhhh”
Now let your breathing return to normal. If you want, close your eyes. Picture yourself walking through a doorway to a beautiful scene in nature. Feel the warmth of the sun and the wind gently touching your face. You might find a place in nature, one that you know or one that you can imagine. There might be water, or flowers or beautiful views all around. Look at all the colors, the shapes. Allow yourself to feel and sense all the beauty of this safe place. Find a comfortable place to rest there and just relax and let go.
Relax your eyes and eyelids, your forehead, and your jaw. Relax your teeth, your tongue, your lips, your mouth, relax your face.
Relax your scalp, your neck, your head.
Relax your shoulders, your arms, elbows, wrists, hands and fingers.
Relax your back, your shoulder blades and all the muscles along your spine.
Relax your chest, your lungs, your diaphragm.
Relax your stomach, your abdomen, your waist.
Relax your hips, your buttocks, your groin.
Relax your thighs, your knees, calves, shins.
Relax your legs, your ankles, feet and toes.
Relax your whole body and your mind as you let yourself be peaceful, calm and serene.
Stay in this safe space as long as you want, and know that you can always return whenever you take the time to quiet your mind and find the place of peace and harmony of your AUTHENTIC self. It is from this space and place that you can ask for inner guidance to help you make your decisions as you move forward
You are not alone. There are many people and resources to help you at this difficult time.
If I can be of any help, please call me at 847-914-0560 or visit my website at www.lindakroll.com.
I wish you luck on your path. You will find the inner strength and freedom to fly on your own. You have inside of your all the answers you need. Take your time. Listen for your own voice. And take good care of yourself.
Suggestions for Talking with Your Children
Choose a time to tell the children when you can be together. If you have children of various ages, you may tell them at different times as your conversations not be the same. Whether you tell all the children at the same time, you should both be together whenever you tell any child.
You may first tell your children that you are planning to separate. This can be less painful than the “divorce discussion”, but often a “separation” is just a euphemism for divorce. Use “separation” if it applies to the following
Plan what you are going to say, and who is going to say what. It probably won’t go as planned, but if you have talked about it first, then you can feel a little more secure that one or both of you will know what to say. Or what not to say. Also, saying it aloud for the first time without the children present may allow you to cry or feel your feelings before you meet with them. The more calm you are when you speak to your children, the more calm they can be. The more respectful you can each be of the other creates the most safety for your children.
Remember that the greatest gift you can give your children is to minimize conflict between you. Much has been written about the aftermath of divorce and how it adversely affects your children. By the time you are ready to have this discussion, you may have exhausted your possibilities of reconciliation. I believe that the most harm to our children comes from the pain we inflict on our spouses. The more we show compassion and respect, the more we enhance the quality of our children’s lives.
Plan a time that you can talk about your plans to divorce, and then have time afterwards to process the discussion. Don’t tell them when the children have to go somewhere right after the talk. You wouldn’t tell your teenager before she goes to a party, nor would you tell your younger children right before they leave for school. Sometimes parents have planned to take the children to a park, have dinner together, or do something afterwards that can assure your children that you can all be friendly during and after this process. This may feel impossible to you, so just structure the timing that you can both be available to your children after the talk.
Tell your children that you want to talk with them . Sometimes, before you say anything, your children will say “you’re getting divorced”. Other times, they know and don’t believe it or feel that if they don’t speak about it then it can’t be rea
Let them know that you love them and you will both always be there for them. Children get scared at the idea of divorce, just as you do. Knowing that they will always have love from both of you can make them feel safer
Assure them this is not their fault. Children tend to think they did something wrong or might have caused the break up.
You can say that you have some issues between the two of you that made you both decide you were going to get divorced. Even though one of you might have brought up divorce before your spouse, very few people want to be married to someone who does not want to be married to them. Whether you realize it yet or not, there were factors in your relationship that made it difficult for both of you. Probably neither one of you has been happy for a long time.
It is not your children’s business to know what those “issues” are. This is where boundaries in the discussion are very important. Whether there has been an affair, an addiction, or abuse, it is not necessary to talk about it now (or possibly ever) with them. The reasons are your reasons, and telling them just allows one of you to vent at your children’s expense.
They will ask what those reasons are. You and gently, but firmly, let them know that you will not be telling. them. You will have to be consistent with this, as they will continue to ask even after the talk. It will often take a great deal of restraint and maturity for you to hold this boundary. You might want to them “your side of the story”. However, there are always two sides to a story, and the children do not need to be in the middle of it.
Remember that anything negative you say about the other parent reverberates in your children’s hearts. You are speaking about 50% of who they are. A judgment of your spouse implicitly becomes a criticism of them as well.
Tell them that you will always be available to discuss their feelings with them. Let them know that it is normal to feel sad, scared, angry, hurt, and that they can talk to both of you at any time about what they are feeling.
Don’t make your children your confidantes. You are there to listen to them, but they do not have to be burdened with your emotions. Many sensitive children take it on as their responsibility to help Mommy or Daddy and “make them happy”. This scenario should be avoided at all costs. (Alice Walker’s Drama of the Gifted Child addresses the issues that arise for children who think they must be caretakers of their parents.)
Let them know that you will take care of yourself and they don’t have to take care of you. You can tell them that you are seeing a counselor, have joined a support group, or have many friends who are there to assist you. If it seems helpful at this time, tell them about “Rainbows”, a place where they can talk about their feelings with other children who are going through the same thing. Rainbows is an international organization started by Suzy Yehl Marta to help children whose parents were going through a divorce. Rainbows offers free support groups that are age appropriate in your neighborhood. These groups last six weeks and are facilitated by trained volunteers.
Answer their questions that are their concerns. Your children may want to know where they will be living, what school they will attend, who will be leaving the house and when, where will the other parent live, when will they see them. To the extent that you know the answers, let your children have this information. Whatever questions are still unanswered, tell them you will let them know as soon as you make those decisions.
Ask them if they want to talk about their feelings now. They may cry, they may yell, they may want to go out and play with their friends. Don’t be surprised at any response. Just be there to hear them and to hold them.
When the talk is over, you can go somewhere in private to process your own tears, or your relief. And then go do something nurturing with your children, or if they are not available, then nurturing to yourself.
One of the hardest parts is over. Now you can live congruently and compassionately. You don’t have to hide the reality, and now your children can begin to talk about their feelings, fears, concerns. It will usually be a relief to you because you don’t have to hide anything from them any more.
Your children may have questions in the future. Let them know they can ask you about issues that pertain to them. And keep your boundaries clear.
Have compassion for everyone, including yourself.
Settlement Intention
I intend to have a peaceful and respectful settlement meeting, in which all parties come together from their Highest Selves and their own inner guidance and wisdom.
I intend that the parts of ourselves that are angry, fearful, defensive, revengeful, retributive, punitive, unloving, unforgiving, sad, young, abandoned, resentful, negative, hurting and hurtful – that all these parts be quelled with the leadership of the Self, coming from a place of trust in my own presence and light.
I intend to show compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. Although our marriage has come down to a business closing of money and asset division, I intend that we remember the love that brought us together, and the wonderful children which our union has borne. For their sakes as well as our own, we wish to put an end to this process in as respectful and loving a way as possible.
Although we each carry our sadness and pain and mutual regrets, I intend that we can look beyond this difficult period to a time when we can be friends and coexist peacefully. I intend that our once intact family can be rearranged to two intact and loving homes, where our children feel connected and comfortable. I intend that we can hold in a different light the love that once joined us forever; that on the deepest level we wish each other well as we let go.
For the sake of all we once had, and for all we had planned to share together, let us now finalize the terms of our marital dissolution so that we are both free to get on with our lives.
Let us complete this last painful task with a sense of trust in the love we once shared and hopefully can remember after this part is over.
Let us not work from purely simple and self-serving motives, but keep in mind the general welfare of each other and our children.
Let us request our attorneys to contribute what is needed for the mutual benefit of all concerned.
In the end, let us know that we behaved civilly, that we can look back with a clear conscience, and that as much as we could, we came from our hearts.
Settlement Prayer
I gave the following prayer to my husband and our attorneys on the day we got divorced. I offer it as a prayer or as a statement of intention.
Dearest God,
I pray for a peaceful and respectful settlement meeting, in which all parties come together from their Highest Selves and their truest connection to Your guidance, wisdom and love
I pray that the parts of ourselves that are angry, fearful, defensive, revengeful, retributive, punitive, unloving, unforgiving, young, abandoned, resentful, negative, hurting and hurtful – that all these parts be quelled with the leadership of the Self, coming from a place of trust in Your presence and light.
I pray for compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. Although our marriage has come down to a business closing of money and asset division, I ask that we remember the love that brought us together, and the wonderful children our union has borne. For their sakes as well as our own, we wish to put an end to this process in as respectful and loving a way as possible.
Although we each carry our sadness and pain and mutual regrets, I pray that we can look beyond this difficult period to a time when we can be friends and coexist peacefully. I pray that our once intact family can be rearranged to two intact and loving homes, where our children feel connected and comfortable. I pray that we can hold in a different light the love that once joined us forever; that on the deepest level we wish each other well as we let go and let G-d direct our lives.
For the sake of all we once had, and for all we had planned to share together, let us now finalize the terms of our marital dissolution so that we are both free to get on with our lives
Let us complete this last painful task with a sense of trust in the love we once shared and hopefully can remember after this part is over.
Let us not work from purely simple and self-serving motives, but keep in mind the general welfare of each other, and our children.
Let us request our attorneys to contribute what is needed for the mutual benefit of all concerned.
In the end, let us know that we behaved civilly, that we can look back with a clear conscience, and that as much as we could, we came from our hearts.
God bless us and direct us all. Amen.
You can learn more and join me in my online video course – Compassionate Mediation Program – to stay connected and supported as you consider what you want to do in your future. I’m here to help.
Go HERE to learn more and join me.