Singlehood has an array of opportunities – and challenges. The opportunities for growth are unparalled. Often, the major challenge is seeing the opportunities.
Many of us think of singlehood as the way station en route to a relationship. It’s the bridge we cross to get to where we’re meant to be. It’s a limbo time of searching – but it’s often a search for “another’, rather than a journey inward.
Once we realize, finally and fully, without any doubts at all, that we are complete as we are, totally whole individuals, an incredible sense of peace descends. There is no need to strive, to seek, to search outside of oneself for happiness. No obligation to merge in order to feel complete. No necessity to find in another that which was perceived missing in one’s self. There is a freedom from struggle. A letting go of effort. It’s hopping on the inner tube of life as it heads where its meant to go, rather than trying to control a raft in the rapids. It’s relaxing, joyous, energizing. It’s being home wherever you are, whenever your heart is open. It is safety.
It is your true Self.
Many of us have lost ourselves in relationships. Many of us forfeited our truths when we were children. We abandoned and exiled our true feelings by managing them with behaviors we thought would be better accepted by our parents, siblings, teachers, peers. We learned how to please, placate, get by, function, manage. We perceived ourselves as lacking in some way, and we were attracted to others who seemed to complete us, fill in the blanks, offer what we were seeking.
Often those traits that brought us to our partners were the ones that began to bother us the most. For example, a shy man is attracted to a talkative lady, but later he complains that she never shuts up. A woman falls for a man who is strong and assertive and many years hence decides he’s too paternalistic and controlling.
Once we know that we are complete, we lose the desperation of the search. People may come and go in our lives, but we don’t tie to any one of them the ability to make us or break us. We can be happy to share our time, our bodies, our lives with someone else, but we can do it as equals, without expectations or judgments.
We can learn how to speak our truth – without fear. We can discern when our needs are being met, or our boundaries violated. We can choose to stay in a relationship, or we can choose to go. And if someone chooses to leave us first, we can know that we are just fine, time will heal our pride, and we can go on to find a relationship that is meant to go the distance – however long that distance is meant to be.
Perhaps the “happily ever after” needs to be edited to ‘happily each day’. Rather than seek the Prince on the horse or the damsel in need, we can drop the fantasy and be receptive to reality.
We can look within ourselves to find the communication, companionship, and connection we are seeking. Let our quest become an internal one. Let our pursuit focus on self awareness, self care and self love. Then we can nurture our hearts, our light, our ability to feel joy, and attract into our lives healthy people who are doing the same.
You might want to define yourself in terms of your “story” – what happened to you in your childhood, what is happening to you right now, who is causing you pain.
The more you tell your “story,” the less empathy you will receive from those around you. People tend to lose interest in the “yadayada” details of your life, and begin to shift their focus back to their own “yadayada”.
To receive the heart-centered support you might be seeking, have the courage to state your feelings. Your feelings are universal, and others can relate to you no matter how different your stories might be.
The more succinctly you state your feelings, the more you can process them and release the energy charge that they carry.
Feelings are not thoughts, nor are they judgments about another. The most universal feelings are often sadness and fear. When we are hurt by those we love or trust, it causes profound feelings, which must be acknowledged. We cannot change anyone else, but we can learn how to speak our truth clearly and compassionately.
We often get angry because our boundaries have been violated. Acknowledging your anger (rather than ignoring it or becoming enraged), will help you take appropriate action to begin to regain your balance.
Go into your heart and see what your feelings are right now. Share them with another compassionate heart, and begin to heal.
There are people from our past who have hurt us in many different ways. Some of those people might be our parents, who may have done the best they knew how to do.
Although we want to forgive them, we wish we could tell them how they hurt us, but we are afraid of hurting them. Or we are afraid to anger them. We are concerned about the responsibility we feel to manage their feelings, so instead we suppress our own.
What if we could speak for the parts of us that are still carrying the burdens from the past?
What are we afraid would happen if we used words like “hurt” and “sad” and “scared” and “angry”?
What if we spoke up for our wounded inner child, even though our caretaking parts are afraid of burdening someone else?
What if we gave ourselves permission to speak our feelings out loud?
What if we gave other people the right to speak their own feelings, and gave ourselves permission NOT to fix, save or rescue them from what they might feel?
What if we learned to set healthy and appropriate boundaries for ourselves and others?
What if we could walk away if a relationship feels toxic?
People from our past can be our biggest teachers.
Even if we never choose to share our feelings with them,we can express our feelings here and now.
And we can accept all parts of ourselves with compassion and unconditional love.
We can feel what we feel, and in this moment, we can be safe.
Dearest G-d,
Please grant me the serenity to shut off my mind, with its need to accomplish, plan, finish, produce…. To allow for the flow of Your Guidance to lead me.
Please help me rest in the comfort of Your Presence and Support and remember that right timing is always working. That if I do what is in front of me from a place of inner peace, You will offer support in many forms.
Please help me to be open to the Angels and Guides you send to help. Let me slow down enough to meet them, be open enough to hear them, and be receptive enough to allow them to assist me in the manifestation of Your vision for my life.
Please help me to stay grateful for all of the gifts and miracles you provide – my children, my clients, my friends and my family.
Please guide me on making time for all that I feel I have to give, and also make time for myself, my inner child, and finding peace within my heart.
Please help me stay present fully, intentionally, joyfully, safe in the trust that You have a plan for my life, and all I need to do is show up.
Please help me show up, and not run away or towards or from anyone or anything. So I won’t overthink and I won’t overeat… I’ll just be.
Thank You for all You have given me, and please help me share my many blessings and gifts in ways that manifest love and joy.
And please help me do it from my heart, with my heart, as I calm my mind and body in healthy ways to serve You and others in ways that are healing and healthy – for all of us.
And please help me stay connected to my Inner Child so that she is safe and secure and happy, and to my wonderful children so that I can be the haven for them I always want to be.
Please bless us all and keep us healthy, and let peace flow from within us and out to the world, where peace and love shall abide.
