You can learn how to communication with compassion — from your highest and best SELF. When there is a peaceful and respectful dialogue, it’s safe to put your walls down. You remove the filters through which you judged your partner. You no longer see him/her with blame or judgment or fear, and you realize there are no triggers to threaten your security with each other.
When there’s partnership. you feel like a team and fun begins to return to your connection. When you’re safely connected and feeling respected and enjoying each other, the passion you initially experienced begins to reappear. It often intensifies—because of the deeper level of your connection. You remember what you used to enjoy together and begin doing more of it again.
Sexual intimacy is not about technique. A deeper connection on all levels comes from forgiveness, compassion, and peace. The more you learn how to be understanding, empathetic, and affectionate, the more passion there will be.
Make plans together for new experiences that are interesting, exciting, enjoyable. You can take turns arranging date nights, choosing the activities and calling a sitter if you have children. Some of my clients have little activity jars where they just think of something to do, put it in the jar, and take out an idea from time to time so that there’s no pressure to pick a plan and they can mutually create more fun.
Help your partner feel like a priority to you. Focus on making him or her happy—as you ask for and receive what you want and need. Create new habits of touch, connection, laughter, and fun. You will feel appreciated, accepted, admired, adored, and then you reciprocate in kind. Or first offer that appreciation, acceptance, admiration, and loving attention yourself, and see what happens.
Passion can permeate your whole relationship in and out of the bedroom because intimacy is not just intercourse, it’s holding hands, it’s cuddling, it’s hugging, it’s that kiss hello and goodbye. You begin to offer love in the currency of your partner, not giving to meet your needs but to meet theirs. They do the same for you.
In her new book, Turn Your Mate into Your Soulmate, Arielle Ford reminds us of the meaning of love. “Love is both a choice and a behavior…Love is a connection. Love is a feeling…Love is about being willing to forgive. Love is God. Love is who we are. Love is why we are here. To put it simply, love is all there is.”
SARK sees herself as “a full cup of love sharing her overflow with the world.” Isn’t that wonderful?
Fill your cup first. Fill your life with passion, vibrancy and joy. It can be done. You can do it. All it takes is love, starting with loving yourself. Then let your overflow of love bring peace, partnership, and passion to your relationship, to your family, and to the world. To learn more, please click here.
When you meditate, you practice detaching from the conditioned thoughts and beliefs of your ego and begin to attune to the innate desires of your higher SELF (or Soul.)
Meditation moves your response system from reactive—where you go into old knee jerk behaviors—and helps you to become more reflective and make conscious choices. You are able to break out of past conditioning of your Family of Origin and be willing to tap into the unconditioned SELF of your spiritual nature, which offers more compassion and connection.
The purpose of meditation can also be part of a spiritual quest to find out who you truly are and help you live your life more in SELF than in reactive Parts. Meditation takes you beyond your mind, intellect, and ego to your Soul and Spirit. You remember who you can be and not who you have become defensively in your relationship. You learn how to bring the best version of your SELF to your partnership and then watch it miraculously begin to transform.
davidji, in his book The Secrets of Meditation, offers this observation: ”Over time, meditation quiets you to a state where you experience life with a deeper understanding of your true Self, which can open the door to spiritual exploration, connection, discovery and fulfillment. It is along the so-called spiritual path that you truly can experience your unbounded Self—your unconditioned Self—the infinite you that rests at the core of who you are underneath your body and beneath this worldly garb of title, roles, masks, ego and the complexities of this life.”
As you meditate, you connect with your essential SELF and look within to get your needs met. You can remember your fundamental wholeness, divinity, and perfection, and connect with your Spirit on a daily basis. You experience silence and relaxation, and enrich your active daily life and all your relationships.
In speaking of the benefits of meditation, Dick Schwartz said, “This innate core within us is what some people call our Buddha nature, soul, ‘atman,’ and so forth. The problem is that too often this essence—what I call the Self—has been obscured by the protective parts of us that try to keep our lives on track in the mistaken belief that they know best. Thus, the process of coming to a fuller experience of self-compassion typically begins with creating open space for this Self to come forward.”
Meditation can help you remember that you are a reflection of the Divine, as is your partner. We’re all one, and we’re all divine. Sometimes you may need to take a loving timeout in meditation from the constant patterns of your mind, and then weave a whole new way of communication that can blanket your relationship with loving-kindness.
Forgiveness as an Antidote to Stress
Studies have shown that meditation improves forgiveness, which in turn can reduce stress. Forgiving yourself and your partner does not mean you will need to stay in your current relationship. Forgiveness is often a pre-requisite for being free to create a new relationship that is unencumbered from the shackles of past pain. You take better care of your SELF without needing walls or filters or burdens of any kind. Then you are free to create the relationship with yourself and others, with attention on constant and loving SELF care.
When you meditate, you can reboot, redo, or renew your relationship in so many loving ways. You can talk about all your issues with cooperation and mutual respect. You can rise above the level of the automatic fight/flight response to a problem and solve it from a higher level of consciousness. You will find creative and intuitive solutions that are made from your best SELF.
From an expanded perspective of SELF-leadership, you can talk about your children, money, work, sex. You can talk about everything you’ve ever wanted to talk about with ease and grace. Instead of feeling like adversaries, you feel like partners. Peace transcends conflict and joining together can actually feel like fun. You heighten your personal journey towards SELF-realization by accessing higher states of consciousness.
Focusing on your breath and meditation allows you to stay in constant contact with your highest and best SELF. To learn more, please click here.
You were born enlightened. Now all you have to do is let go of what you think you already know. And as you lighten up, your relationships will improve!
Descartes wrote, “I think, therefore I am.” However you are so much more than just your mind, and sometimes it’s what you think that causes the problems. Caroline Myss says, “The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.”
Your thoughts, beliefs, and judgments have affected the ways you both habitually reacted in the past. Your minds kept you stuck in old patterns. You are learning how to relate from your hearts, where you’re open to insight, wisdom, and ultimately infinite possibilities.
If you are willing to look at your belief system and edit and revise some of your thoughts and judgments, there is a chance for a new and improved relationship to be created. As author Wayne Dyer said, “When we change the way we look at something, what we look at changes.” You can change your relationship by changing the way you look at it—starting now. Instead of reacting from your Parts, you relate from your highest and best SELF. If you are willing to put down your walls and stop looking through the filter of your judgments, you create a new beginning. You can give up the old habits and patterns and view yourself and your partner with more love and compassion. This will change your perspective and your relationship. If you treat your partner with compassion and kindness instead of judgment or blame, you will be pleasantly surprised at their reaction.
The decision to let your walls down takes courage. It takes SELF-leadership and patience. As Sam Keen has said, “We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” It helps if you always remember you are both doing the best you know how to do based on your level of awareness in this present moment.
You can learn the currency of your partners need for love. Does she like to be touched, hear words of endearment, need more attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance? When you give him what he wants and needs, rather than what you wish he would give you, he often learns how to reciprocate in your preferred language of love. Compassionate Communication helps you navigate these discussions so that you both feel heard, seen, respected, and loved.
When you feel more loving, you feel more loved. It can happen in an instant. Give it a try. To learn more, please go here.
To live my life with peace, that is my goal.
To live in peace – within and without, that is my prayer.
Inner peace brings joy.
There is a calm that transcends any external happening.
There is no striving, just peaceful acceptance.
It is showing up in the moment, without effort or judgment.
It is being open, without fear or pain.
Peace is a healthier way to live.
It decresase physical problems, lowers blood pressure, reduces stress.
Peace is infectious.
It is contagious.
It is spread by virtue of its presence.
It creates a haven into which a soul can reside.
And there meet other souls searching for connection.
I am grateful for the peace I now feel.
I am grateful for all that I am learning and still to learn.
I am grateful for all I have and all that I can share.
Countless couples play out their emotional dramas without regard to the collateral damage they inflict on their innocent and loving children. Two people who once cared enough to promise to love and cherish “until death do them part” can also learn to fear and despise each other after years of pain and unmet needs.
These hurting individuals need compassion for the profound sadness underneath the rage. No matter how far apart a man and wife can become emotionally and physically, their children are caught in the middle and continue to feel the strife.
Families do not have to be “broken”, but can be peacefully and respectfully re-structured.
Whether you are stuck in an emotionally abusive situation, considering a divorce, in the middle of one, or long past the date of dissolution, if you are still angry and/or anxious in the company of your (ex)spouse, there is healing that can be done.
It starts with compassion – for yourself at first, and then eventually for your (former) partner. No matter what the reasons are that cause a union to terminate, there is pain and sadness and fear on both sides. Learning how to acknowledge those feelings, and to be met with empathy and understanding, is a gift you give your whole family, beginning with yourself.
Your children will only have one biological mother and father, no matter how many other partners are introduced into their lives. Children of all ages seek on some level to have a “happy family”. If you can’t find a way to live with the other parent, you can find a way to connect with civility, courtesy, and even kindness. Healing can happen, and it starts with you.
“Why should I have to do any more work? I was always the only one who cared enough to try harder!”
The work you do is ultimately for your own personal growth. With or without your (former) partner present, you can explore the origins of your own pain and anger, and learn how to relay your needs in words that don’t sound blaming or judgmental. You can learn how to calmly talk about your sadness and your fears, even if the end result is a decision to leave your marriage.
And if your divorce has already been finalized, you can find a way to reframe your experience so that it becomes a catalyst for forgiveness and a healthy letting go of pain. As you heal, your children benefit from your inner peace. And then you are truly free to go on with your own life, unburdened from the wounds of your past.
Divorce is the death of a dream.
None of us ever plans to get divorced, and when it happens, the grieving must be done. Calcifying our loss with indifference, resentments, or cut-offs only exacerbates the heartache our children bear. Learning how to relate to the other parent with dignity and respect is a priceless gift of love to your child. Divorce itself does not cause the damage. It is the parental conflict that leaves the lifelong wounds.
Losing My Marriage, Finding My Self
Victim or empowered? The choice is yours. You can exit a marriage with grace, no matter how long it’s been since you first said “I do”. And it is never too late to begin. The first step you take is the path to your authentic Self, a state of calm, clarity, compassion, creativity, courage, and confidence.
Counseling and/or Mediation
Alone or together, you can make decisions that will affect the rest of your life. Whether you begin with counseling and eventually end with mediation, you and your spouse can calmly discuss all issues in a compassionate way to lead to a peaceful and respectful resolution.
Post-divorce, healing can still be accomplished, with or without your former partner present. How did he/she remind you of your mother/father? What issues did you bring to the relationship? What can you learn to help you form more positive relationships in the future?
The Miracle of Empathy
Understanding and forgiving yourself and each other, and dealing with any feelings in the way of forgiveness, charts your course towards emotional liberation. As unbelievable as it may seem to you now, your future can be filled with peace and joy, and your children can have the benefit of parents who can both be present at important times in their lives. (If you don’t think it matters to your children any longer, just ask them.)
You owe it to your “re-structured family”, and to yourself, to be open to the possibility of a healthier relationship. It only takes one to start the process. You will be amazed at the difference it will make in all of your lives.
