A Heartfelt Plea for Peace
Countless couples play out their emotional dramas without regard to the collateral damage they inflict on their innocent and loving children. Two people who once cared enough to promise to love and cherish “until death do them part” can also learn to fear and despise each other after years of pain and unmet needs.
These hurting individuals need compassion for the profound sadness underneath the rage. No matter how far apart a man and wife can become emotionally and physically, their children are caught in the middle and continue to feel the strife.
Families do not have to be “broken”, but can be peacefully and respectfully re-structured.
Whether you are stuck in an emotionally abusive situation, considering a divorce, in the middle of one, or long past the date of dissolution, if you are still angry and/or anxious in the company of your (ex)spouse, there is healing that can be done.
It starts with compassion – for yourself at first, and then eventually for your (former) partner. No matter what the reasons are that cause a union to terminate, there is pain and sadness and fear on both sides. Learning how to acknowledge those feelings, and to be met with empathy and understanding, is a gift you give your whole family, beginning with yourself.
Your children will only have one biological mother and father, no matter how many other partners are introduced into their lives. Children of all ages seek on some level to have a “happy family”. If you can’t find a way to live with the other parent, you can find a way to connect with civility, courtesy, and even kindness. Healing can happen, and it starts with you.
“Why should I have to do any more work? I was always the only one who cared enough to try harder!”
The work you do is ultimately for your own personal growth. With or without your (former) partner present, you can explore the origins of your own pain and anger, and learn how to relay your needs in words that don’t sound blaming or judgmental. You can learn how to calmly talk about your sadness and your fears, even if the end result is a decision to leave your marriage.
And if your divorce has already been finalized, you can find a way to reframe your experience so that it becomes a catalyst for forgiveness and a healthy letting go of pain. As you heal, your children benefit from your inner peace. And then you are truly free to go on with your own life, unburdened from the wounds of your past.
Divorce is the death of a dream.
None of us ever plans to get divorced, and when it happens, the grieving must be done. Calcifying our loss with indifference, resentments, or cut-offs only exacerbates the heartache our children bear. Learning how to relate to the other parent with dignity and respect is a priceless gift of love to your child. Divorce itself does not cause the damage. It is the parental conflict that leaves the lifelong wounds.
Losing My Marriage, Finding My Self
Victim or empowered? The choice is yours. You can exit a marriage with grace, no matter how long it’s been since you first said “I do”. And it is never too late to begin. The first step you take is the path to your authentic Self, a state of calm, clarity, compassion, creativity, courage, and confidence.
Counseling and/or Mediation
Alone or together, you can make decisions that will affect the rest of your life. Whether you begin with counseling and eventually end with mediation, you and your spouse can calmly discuss all issues in a compassionate way to lead to a peaceful and respectful resolution.
Post-divorce, healing can still be accomplished, with or without your former partner present. How did he/she remind you of your mother/father? What issues did you bring to the relationship? What can you learn to help you form more positive relationships in the future?
The Miracle of Empathy
Understanding and forgiving yourself and each other, and dealing with any feelings in the way of forgiveness, charts your course towards emotional liberation. As unbelievable as it may seem to you now, your future can be filled with peace and joy, and your children can have the benefit of parents who can both be present at important times in their lives. (If you don’t think it matters to your children any longer, just ask them.)
You owe it to your “re-structured family”, and to yourself, to be open to the possibility of a healthier relationship. It only takes one to start the process. You will be amazed at the difference it will make in all of your lives.
You can get a FREE Relationship Assessment to help you focus on changes you can make now.
To order my book on Compassionate Mediation: How to Add Passion to Your Marriage or Compassion to Your Divorce, click here.