I pray for a peaceful and respectful settlement meeting, in which all parties come together from their Highest Selves and their truest connection to Your guidance, wisdom and love.
I pray that the parts of ourselves that are angry, fearful, defensive, revengeful, retributive, punitive, unloving, unforgiving, sad, young, abandoned, resentful, negative, hurting and hurtful – that all these parts be quelled with the leadership of the Self, coming from a place of trust in Your presence and light.
I pray for compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. Although our marriage has come down to a business closing of money and asset division, I ask that we remember the love that brought us together, and the wonderful children which our union has borne. For their sakes as well as our own, we wish to put an end to this process in as respectful and loving a way as possible.
Although we each carry our sadness and pain and mutual regrets, I pray that we can look beyond this difficult period to a time when we can be friends and coexist peacefully. I pray that our once intact family can be rearranged to two intact and loving homes, where our children feel connected and comfortable. I pray that we can hold in a different light the love that once joined us forever; that on the deepest level we wish each other well as we let go and let G-d direct our lives.
For the sake of all we once had, and for all we had planned to share together, let us now finalize the terms of our marital dissolution so that we are both free to get on with our lives.
Let us complete this last painful task with a sense of trust in the love we once shared and hopefully can remember after this part is over.
Let us not work from purely simple and self-serving motives, but keep in mind the general welfare of each of us, and our children.
Let us request our attorneys to contribute what is needed for the mutual benefit of all concerned.
In the end, let us know that we behaved civilly, that we can look back with a clear conscience, and that as much as we could, we came from our hearts. G-d bless us and direct us all. Amen.
Welcome to the State of Limbo – that area in the travelogue in which you seem to run around in circles, or just state a sit-down strike and don’t move at all. It may be true that your vistas are limited and your opportunities for new experiences are narrowed. You might be willing to sacrifice the ability to move forward for the security—no matter how fleeting or illusory—of holding onto the relationship, marriage, person and/or dream. It’s your trip and you can plan it any way you want.
And when you visit or move into Limbo, you will be offered incessant advice from well-meaning friends and relatives:
“Why don’t you just file for divorce?”
“Get on with your life!”
“Why can’t you let go?”
“You’ll be much better off if you just face reality and move on!”
“When are you going to wake up and let your lawyer do his job?”
And some days you will take a few steps forward, to be followed the next day by several steps back into stagnation, lethargy or the familiar territory of the State of Limbo.
WHY WE STAY IN LIMBO
Many people wonder why they can’t move on. There are several reasons:
ANGER “I’m too angry to make any decision. Let him/her take action. I’m not doing anything!”
CODEPENDENCY “If I stay nice/loving/available, he’ll love me more/again.”
DENIAL “If I don’t make any decisions or take any actions then maybe this really isn’t happening.”
HOPE “Maybe he’ll change/end the affair/give up the booze/realize what he’s missing and come home.”
FEAR “I’m afraid if I let go, I’ll be a bag lady/alone/unloved unwanted/abandoned.”
FINANCIAL “The money is too much to give up.”
GRIEF “It’s all I can do to function. I can’t do any more now.”
HEALING TIME “I’m adjusting to my loss and that’s all I can do at this time.”
LACK OF SELF ESTEEM “I would be nothing without my spouse.”
MANIPULATION “I’m waiting for the right time to make any movement. I’m going to travel and spend his money for as long as I can.”
PAIN “I hurt too much to add other things to my life now.:
SADNESS “I’m too sad to take any action.”
STRATEGIC “If he has to file first, he’ll feel more guilty and be more generous.”
HOW IT FEELS TO BE “IN LIMBO”
Sometimes limbo does offer space to heal, grieve, plan, adjust. that is why you must listen to your own inner voice to tell you what is right for you. Don’t take action for the sake of pleasing anyone else or because of what other people think. It’s your life and your future and you are the best determinate of what is in your best interest. You will know when it is time to move on, and that will be when the pain of staying where you are is greater than the fear of taking whatever is the next step for you (asking him to leave, seeing a mediator, filing for divorce, letting your lawyer do discovery, going back to school, getting a job, etc.)
From time to time, you may feel exasperated with yourself, and then you add “guilt” to the other feelings you are trying to manage:
“I know I should do something more.” (You are “shoulding” on yourself.)
“I feel so bad that I can’t seem to make any decisions.” (Deciding not to decide IS a decision.)
“I feel so weak, stupid, powerless.” (As you lower your already vulnerable self esteem quotient.)
Give yourself permission to be wherever you are. Know that you are on your path and you will move forward when you are ready, willing, and able. Don’t compound the pain of divorce with the guilt of “shoulding” on yourself. Allow yourself the time and space and peace you need to adjust before you move on to the next step, whatever that is.
LEAVING LIMBO
You will be ready to move when you are aware that staying hurts too much. And then you might move into a different state of limbo, but at least you are moving.
Create the Relationship You Desire and Deserve!
No two relationships are alike. If you take a moment to tell me about yours, I can offer you solutions to help you make the changes you need now.
The world needs to be a safer place for marriage and divorce. Children should be shielded from the shrapnel of their parents’ animosity. Compassionate Mediation® offers a new paradigm for couples at a crossroads.
The more experience I have, the more compassion I have for the profound sadness and fear underneath my clients’ resentments or rage. No matter how far apart a couple can become emotionally and physically, their children are caught in the middle and continue to feel the strife.
I believe families need not be broken, but can be peacefully and respectfully re-structured.
It’s Never Too Late
Often there is one member of a couple who feels it’s “too late” to save the relationship. However, if just one of you will learn a new way to communicate, miracles can happen and a new and better union can emerge.
I often tell my clients: “This current marriage is ‘over.‘ It’s not about ‘fixing’ or ‘saving’ it or ‘settling’ for what you have. You can create a new and better relationship that is based on who you both are now, what’s important to you, and what you are willing to give to the other of what you each want and need.”
Your children will only have one biological mother and father, no matter how many other partners are introduced into their lives. Children of all ages seek on some level to have a “happy family.” If you can’t find a way to live with the other parent, you can find a way to connect or disconnect with civility, courtesy, and even kindness. Healing can happen, and it starts with you.
Often imagining what the end of your relationship would look like will motivate you and your spouse to try to heal your relationship instead of leaving it. If you’re feeling stuck or unsure about your relationship, or unable to communicate effectively, you can create a more peaceful and respectful connection with Compassionate Mediation®. You will be able to make changes before divorce becomes your only option.
You will have a safe forum to talk about everything that has caused you pain or conflict. The conversations will cover all areas of contention or impasse—money, parenting, extended family, work, responsibilities, and even sex. You will be able to discuss everything in a whole new way. Whenever you communicate with more confidence, clarity and compassion, it is possible to create a new, enriching relationship with your partner. Or you can make a peaceful, conscious decision to separate or divorce.
You’ll give yourself the necessary time it takes to focus respectfully and honestly on potential, positive outcomes rather than making a unilateral or irreversible decision to end your marriage. At the same time, however, the sooner you begin the process of Compassionate Mediation, the sooner you’ll begin to make the changes that will heal your family, no matter what form that family takes in the future.
Love is the Answer—and It Starts with Loving Your SELF
Compassionate Mediation is an opportunity to talk about everything that has been a problem, and a chance to create a new marriage to the person you’re living with now.
You begin to love yourself enough to do the work you need to heal the burdens from the past. You learn how to let go of any limiting beliefs that keep you from being open to new possibilities. You connect to your heart, your higher SELF, your witnessing awareness and your wisdom, and then you bring that energy back into your relationship. This book will give you the tools to put these ideals into practice, including links to my website for more support and a deeper dive into your own personal healing and transformation.
Looking at an ending can help create a new beginning. Compassionate Mediation® is a short-term process that helps you bring your best SELF to your relationship so that you can co-create a new and better relationship—no matter what form it takes.
You can take the time you need to learn more about Compassionate Communication, Compassionate Relationships, and Compassionate Mediation. You will see that if you’re going to make the decision to get divorced, you can create a compassionate and SELF-Led Divorce®, in which you’re communicating from your highest and best SELF for the benefit of all concerned.
To learn more, you can get the book on Amazon: here.
Anyone experiencing or ever touched by divorce has suffered a loss that was unexpected and devastating. You may be losing your marriage, but you now have the opportunity to find yourself, possibly for the first time in your life. Grieving the losses and feeling your feelings are necessary parts of the process of divorce. But also hold onto the reality that from this point on, your life may offer miracles you may never have dared to dream.
I have come to believe that there is a divine plan for our lives and we do not always understand it as we stumble along our paths. There are things that we are meant to learn, and the universe will give us subtle nudges, stronger hints, overt messages and finally some cataclysmic blows to get our attention to make the changes toward authenticity and self empowerment.
Divorce is the “dark night of the soul” which can either leave you a victim or a more authentic human being, capable of connecting with your Higher Power and true Self.
Divorce is a death – the death of a marriage, the death of a dream – which must be grieved and mourned just like any other demise. Too often people who have never experienced it themselves have no true concept of the enormity of the loss and pain and sadness that accompanies a divorce. It would be helpful if others would treat you with the same amount of deference, empathy and respect that widows and widowers are given when they lose their spouse.
Not only do you lose the spouse, but the dream, the security, the finances, the families, the friends, and often you miss your children on half the holidays for the rest of your life.
Sometimes divorce feels like you are going to your own funeral and being surprised at who doesn’t show up.
Just as people react to a death of a person, you have similar reactions to the death of your marriage.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross described those emotions as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
That translates into:
Denial: “This isn’t happening to me.”
Anger: “Damn it this is happening to me!”
Bargaining: “If I am very good or do this or don’t do that, this won’t happen to me.”
Depression: “Oh G-d, this is happening to me.”
Acceptance: “Thank G-d for what I learned because this happened to me.”
Each divorce is the most painful. Whether there were drugs or alcohol, abuse, infidelity, or the standard “irreconcilable differences,” the pain is intense because it is happening to you and it wasn’t supposed to happen to you. But it has, so what do you do now?
You balance the grieving with the growing, the hurting with the healing, and the losing with the loving – starting with loving yourself. To learn more, please click here.
My heart goes out to you. Anyone experiencing or ever touched by divorce has suffered a loss that was unexpected and devastating. You may be losing your marriage, but you now have the opportunity to find yourself, possibly for the first time in your life. Grieving the losses and feeling your feelings are necessary parts of the process of divorce. But also hold onto the reality that from this point on, your life may offer miracles you may never have dared to dream.
I have come to believe that there is a divine plan for our lives and we do not always understand it as we stumble along our paths. There are things that we are meant to learn, and the universe will give us subtle nudges, stronger hints, overt messages and finally some cataclysmic blows to get our attention to make the changes toward authenticity and self empowerment.
Divorce is the “dark night of the soul” which can either leave you a victim or a more authentic human being, capable of connecting with your Higher Power and true Self.
Divorce is a death – the death of a marriage, the death of a dream – which must be grieved and mourned just like any other demise. Too often people who have never experienced it themselves have no true concept of the enormity of the loss and pain and sadness that accompanies a divorce. It would be helpful if others would treat you with the same amount of deference, empathy and respect that widows and widowers are given when they lose their spouse.
Not only do you lose the spouse, but the dream, the security, the finances, the families, the friends, and often you miss your children on half the holidays for the rest of your life.
Sometimes divorce feels like you are going to your own funeral and being surprised at who doesn’t show up.
Just as people react to a death of a person, you have similar reactions to the death of your marriage. Elizabeth Kubler Ross described those emotions as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. That translates into:
Denial: “This isn’t happening to me.”
Anger: “Damn it this is happening to me!”
Bargaining: “If I am very good or do this or don’t do that, this won’t happen to me.”
Depression: “Oh G-d, this is happening to me.”
Acceptance: “Thank G-d for what I learned because this happened to me.”
Each divorce is the most painful. Whether there were drugs or alcohol, abuse, infidelity, or the standard “irreconcilable differences,” the pain is intense because it is happening to you and it wasn’t supposed to happen to you. But it has, so what do you do now?
You balance the grieving with the growing, the hurting with the healing, and the losing with the loving – starting with loving yourself. To learn more, please click here.
Many marriages end because one or both parties don’t know they have other options. You can take the time to learn Compassionate Communication and create something new and better together — whatever the form will take.
Often there is one partner who believes that it is “too late” to save the relationship. It is never too late!
Sometimes, one party feels neglected or ignored, as their partner focused on a career or the children. Hurt can manifest as anger or withdrawal, and finally becomes a wall that seems insurmountable.
However, there can be reason for hope even in the face of quiet (or vocal) desperation.
If one person in a relationship is willing to work to save it, a new union can emerge. Perhaps your “first marriage” is over. It’s not about fixing it or settling for what you have, but beginning to create a new relationship that meets both your needs. Who are you now? What is important to you both? And are you willing and able to give the other what you each want and need?”
“I can’t get his attention. I’ve told him how unhappy I am, and he doesn’t seem to notice or care.”
One party might offer love in the form of financial contribution and support. It can be the currency of their caring. However, the other partner may need more time together, shared conversations, attention and affection. The manner in which those needs are expressed may sound needy, whining, or demanding. Learning how to express your needs without judgment or blame is a skill that can be learned. It begins with “I” messages, and includes words like “sad, hurt, rejected and abandoned”. You might find yourself more sad than angry, but being more vulnerable instead of judgmental will help to break the cycle of arguments and distancing.
“I try so hard to please her and she never seems happy.”
After a decade or two (or more) of working long hours, one party may feel the brunt of the financial responsibility for the family. Often they become burned out, overwhelmed with the duties, but afraid to ask for help. They also feel “sad, hurt, and abandoned” when their spouses feel dissatisfied with the life that their work has provided. Then they build walls, too, walls to block out the criticism and anger that is coming their way. They may not have the tools to confront the issues in a healthy way, so they may work more or find other activities to keep them busy and out of harm’s way.
Where there’s life, there’s hope.
Separation or divorce is often contemplated as the solution, and in some cases, that may seem like the only way out. However, learning how to communicate with empathy and compassion can heal wounds that have been festering for years. And if the relationship is meant to end, you can both do the work you need to let go with kindness. Even if the relationship is over, and you are already divorced, you can still create a better method of communication. All that is needed is one willing participant.
“I’ve already done all the work. I don’t want to do any more.”
“I don’t want to be compassionate when I’m so hurt and angry.”
Take the time you need to learn how to communicate with compassion. And the compassion begins with your SELF. It takes a lot of energy and effort to maintain the barricades you might have erected around your heart. Allow yourself to tear down your barriers, put down your weapons, express your sadness, and begin to ask for what you need as you set appropriate boundaries.
As you learn to listen to all parts of yourself – the sad, scared, hurt, angry – you can speak FOR them, and not FROM them, which makes the dialogue much more heart-centered. And as you learn to be compassionate towards your own feelings, you begin to manifest that compassion towards your partner. It’s in that field of empathy that miracles can happen.
“We’ve tried counseling and it didn’t work. I don’t want to do anymore.”
You can always get divorced, but if you got divorced tomorrow, you’d still carry the burden of all those unexpressed feelings. You might meet someone else who will trigger you in just the same way your partner does. You won’t be “wasting time” to allow yourself one more attempt to create something new with the other parent of your children. You can also heal wounds that pre-dated the marriage, which you might be carrying from your family of origin.
”What can I do now?”
Give yourself the gift of Compassionate Mediation®. It just takes one person to begin to improve a relationship.
The only person you can ever change is yourself. If your partner is not ready or willing to participate, begin the process on your own. There is no need to suffer. Help is available. The tools you will learn can enhance the quality of your life and improve all your relationships. You and your family are worth it.
It’s never too late to create something new! I’m here to help!
Linda’s Suggestions for Talking with Your Children about Your Separation or Divorce
Choose a time to tell the children when you can be together. If you have children of various ages, you may tell them at different times as your conversations not be the same. Whether you tell all the children at the same time, you should both be together whenever you tell any child.
Sometimes, you first tell your children that you are planning to separate. This can be less painful than the “divorce discussion”, but often a “separation” is just a euphemism for divorce. Use “separation” if it applies to the following:
Plan what you are going to say, and who is going to say what. It probably won’t go as planned, but if you have talked about it first, then you can feel a little more secure that one or both of you will know what to say. Or what not to say. Also, saying it aloud for the first time without the children present may allow you to cry or feel your feelings before you meet with them. The more calm you are when you speak to your children, the more calm they can be. The more respectful you can each be of the other creates the most safety for your children.
Remember that the greatest gift you can give your children is to minimize conflict between you. Much has been written about the aftermath of divorce and how it adversely affects your children. By the time you are ready to have this discussion, you may have exhausted your possibilities of reconciliation. I believe that the most harm to our children comes from the pain we inflict on our spouses. The more we show compassion and respect, the more we enhance the quality of our children’s lives.
Plan a time that you can talk about your plans to divorce, and then have time afterwards to process the discussion. Don’t tell them when the children have to go somewhere right after the talk. You wouldn’t tell your teenager before she goes to a party, nor would you tell your younger children right before they leave for school. Sometimes parents have planned to take the children to a park, have dinner together, or do something afterwards that can assure your children that you can all be friendly during and after this process. This may feel impossible to you, so just structure the timing that you can both be available to your children after the talk.
Tell your children that you want to talk with them. Sometimes, before you say anything, your children will say “you’re getting divorced”. Other times, they know and don’t believe it or feel that if they don’t speak about it then it can’t be real.
Let them know that you love them and you will both always be there for them. Children get scared at the idea of divorce, just as you do. Knowing that they will always have love from both of you can make them feel safer.
Assure them this is not their fault. Children tend to think they did something wrong or might have caused the break up.
You can say that you have some issues between the two of you that made you both decide you were going to get divorced. Even though one of you might have brought up divorce before your spouse, very few people want to be married to someone who does not want to be married to them. Whether you realize it yet or not, there were factors in your relationship that made it difficult for both of you. Probably neither one of you has been happy for a long time.
It is not your children’s business to know what your “issues” are. This is where boundaries in the discussion are very important. Whether there has been an affair, an addiction, or abuse, it is not necessary to talk about it now (or possibly ever) with them. The reasons are your reasons, and telling them just allows one of you to vent at your children’s expense.
They will ask what those reasons are. You and gently, but firmly, let them know that you will not be telling. them. You will have to be consistent with this, as they will continue to ask even after the talk. It will often take a great deal of restraint and maturity for you to hold this boundary. You might want to them “your side of the story”. However, there are always two sides to a story, and the children do not need to be in the middle of it.
Remember that anything negative you say about the other parent reverberates in your children’s hearts. You are speaking about 50% of who they are. A judgment of your spouse implicitly becomes a criticism of them as well.
Tell them that you will always be available to discuss their feelings with them. Let them know that it is normal to feel sad, scared, angry, hurt, and that they can talk to both of you at any time about what they are feeling.
Don’t make your children your confidantes. You are there to listen to them, but they do not have to be burdened with your emotions. Many sensitive children take it on as their responsibility to help Mommy or Daddy and “make them happy”. This scenario should be avoided at all costs. (Alice Walker’s Drama of the Gifted Child addresses the issues that arise for children who think they must be caretakers of their parents.)
Let them know that you will take care of yourself and they don’t have to take care of you. You can tell them that you are seeing a counselor, have joined a support group, or have many friends who are there to assist you.
If it seems helpful at this time, tell them about “Rainbows”, a place where they can talk about their feelings with other children who are going through the same thing. Rainbows (www.rainbows.org) is an international organization started by Suzy Yehl Marta to help children whose parents were going through a divorce. Rainbows offers free support groups that are age appropriate in your neighborhood. These groups last six weeks and are facilitated by trained volunteers.
Answer their questions that are their concerns. Your children may want to know where they will be living, what school they will attend, who will be leaving the house and when, where will the other parent live, when will they see them. To the extent that you know the answers, let your children have this information. Whatever questions are still unanswered, tell them you will let them know as soon as you make those decisions.
Ask them if they want to talk about their feelings now. They may cry, they may yell, they may want to go out and play with their friends. Don’t be surprised at any response. Just be there to hear them and to hold them.
When the talk is over, you can go somewhere in private to process your own tears, or your relief. And then go do something nurturing with your children, or if they are not available, then nurturing to yourself.
One of the hardest parts is over. Now you can live congruently and compassionately.
You don’t have to hide the reality, and now your children can begin to talk about their feelings, fears, concerns. It will usually be a relief to you because you don’t have to hide anything from them any more.
Your children may have questions in the future. Let them know they can ask you about issues that pertain to them. And keep your boundaries clear.
