You can learn how to communication with compassion — from your highest and best SELF. When there is a peaceful and respectful dialogue, it’s safe to put your walls down. You remove the filters through which you judged your partner. You no longer see him/her with blame or judgment or fear, and you realize there are no triggers to threaten your security with each other.
When there’s partnership. you feel like a team and fun begins to return to your connection. When you’re safely connected and feeling respected and enjoying each other, the passion you initially experienced begins to reappear. It often intensifies—because of the deeper level of your connection. You remember what you used to enjoy together and begin doing more of it again.
Sexual intimacy is not about technique. A deeper connection on all levels comes from forgiveness, compassion, and peace. The more you learn how to be understanding, empathetic, and affectionate, the more passion there will be.
Make plans together for new experiences that are interesting, exciting, enjoyable. You can take turns arranging date nights, choosing the activities and calling a sitter if you have children. Some of my clients have little activity jars where they just think of something to do, put it in the jar, and take out an idea from time to time so that there’s no pressure to pick a plan and they can mutually create more fun.
Help your partner feel like a priority to you. Focus on making him or her happy—as you ask for and receive what you want and need. Create new habits of touch, connection, laughter, and fun. You will feel appreciated, accepted, admired, adored, and then you reciprocate in kind. Or first offer that appreciation, acceptance, admiration, and loving attention yourself, and see what happens.
Passion can permeate your whole relationship in and out of the bedroom because intimacy is not just intercourse, it’s holding hands, it’s cuddling, it’s hugging, it’s that kiss hello and goodbye. You begin to offer love in the currency of your partner, not giving to meet your needs but to meet theirs. They do the same for you.
In her new book, Turn Your Mate into Your Soulmate, Arielle Ford reminds us of the meaning of love. “Love is both a choice and a behavior…Love is a connection. Love is a feeling…Love is about being willing to forgive. Love is God. Love is who we are. Love is why we are here. To put it simply, love is all there is.”
SARK sees herself as “a full cup of love sharing her overflow with the world.” Isn’t that wonderful?
Fill your cup first. Fill your life with passion, vibrancy and joy. It can be done. You can do it. All it takes is love, starting with loving yourself. Then let your overflow of love bring peace, partnership, and passion to your relationship, to your family, and to the world. To learn more, please click here.
Divorce is one of life’s major stressors, but perhaps “wondering if you should get a divorce” can sometimes be more stressful than actually making a decision and moving forward. When you finally decide whether to stay or go, you can confidently move in that one direction. When you are not sure what you want to do, life becomes a series of vastly different possibilities, each with its own set of fears and concerns.
You might wonder, “What if I stay and it never gets any better?” You then project a lifetime where you are stuck in a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs and brings out the worst version of your self.
Perhaps you worry, “What if I leave and I’m all alone and broke and without my children?” You begin to picture all the horrors that are possible, and turn around and vacillate some more. The stress of indecision and procrastination, feeling stuck and overwhelmed is often worse than making a choice. Author Anais Nin has said, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” You have your own choice to make. You can stay where you are or you can explore the possibilities of change.
The constant uncertainty, vacillation, and ambivalence make it hard for you to be present in a calm and peaceful way. You are constantly worrying about your future, concentrating on what is wrong with the present, and ruminating about the pain from the past. All of that behavior increases the feelings of stress that affect your emotional, psychological and physical health. Divorce is almost as stressful as the death of a loved one. It is a different kind of death—the death of a relationship, the death of a marriage, and often the most difficult, the death of a dream.
Explore All Your Options
Compassionate Mediation is a process that helps you either add passion to your marriage or compassion to your divorce. You don’t have to spend years “on the fence” in an unhappy or dysfunctional relationship. You can learn how to speak your truth courageously and set healthy boundaries confidently. You will discover what you truly want and need, believe that you deserve to be happy and fulfilled, and learn how to ask respectfully, receive graciously, and share your gratitude. You will begin to experience more love in your life, even if it means you give it to yourself.
You will learn how to become more empathetic and considerate—first for yourself, and then your partner. You will know how to ask for and get your needs met and forgive yourself and each other. You will remember how to be grateful again for what you do share, and learn how to reflect the attention, affection, appreciation, and acceptance you both desire—no matter the outcome.
You will learn that it’s not always what you say but how you say it. You will experience the healing power of “thank you” and “I’m sorry.” You will safely explore all your options to re-structure your family peacefully and respectfully.
Remember Who You Truly Are
The French philosopher Teilhard de Chardin said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” You can always tune in to who you truly are, underneath your thoughts, feelings, and past experiences. You can connect with what I believe is your divine spiritual nature in the midst of your human experiences. You become more conscious, aware, mindful—in other words, more “SELF-led.” You learn how to choose your responses, your behavior, and your future decisions from your highest and best SELF. Becoming more conscious and SELF-led in your relationship allows you to focus on the higher good for all concerned, and then relate compassionately to heal and transform the dynamics between you and your partner.
In her new book of the same title, Katherine Woodard has described her process of “Conscious Uncoupling” as a loving way to end a marriage. When you are in SELF, you can also choose to consciously couple in a way that leads to more intimacy, passion, connection and fun. You will feel more balanced, peaceful, openhearted, open-minded, and present.
Create the Relationship You Desire and Deserve!
No two relationships are alike. If you take a moment to tell me about yours, I can offer you solutions to help you make the changes you need now.
The world needs to be a safer place for marriage and divorce. Children should be shielded from the shrapnel of their parents’ animosity. Compassionate Mediation® offers a new paradigm for couples at a crossroads.
The more experience I have, the more compassion I have for the profound sadness and fear underneath my clients’ resentments or rage. No matter how far apart a couple can become emotionally and physically, their children are caught in the middle and continue to feel the strife.
I believe families need not be broken, but can be peacefully and respectfully re-structured.
It’s Never Too Late
Often there is one member of a couple who feels it’s “too late” to save the relationship. However, if just one of you will learn a new way to communicate, miracles can happen and a new and better union can emerge.
I often tell my clients: “This current marriage is ‘over.‘ It’s not about ‘fixing’ or ‘saving’ it or ‘settling’ for what you have. You can create a new and better relationship that is based on who you both are now, what’s important to you, and what you are willing to give to the other of what you each want and need.”
Your children will only have one biological mother and father, no matter how many other partners are introduced into their lives. Children of all ages seek on some level to have a “happy family.” If you can’t find a way to live with the other parent, you can find a way to connect or disconnect with civility, courtesy, and even kindness. Healing can happen, and it starts with you.
Often imagining what the end of your relationship would look like will motivate you and your spouse to try to heal your relationship instead of leaving it. If you’re feeling stuck or unsure about your relationship, or unable to communicate effectively, you can create a more peaceful and respectful connection with Compassionate Mediation®. You will be able to make changes before divorce becomes your only option.
You will have a safe forum to talk about everything that has caused you pain or conflict. The conversations will cover all areas of contention or impasse—money, parenting, extended family, work, responsibilities, and even sex. You will be able to discuss everything in a whole new way. Whenever you communicate with more confidence, clarity and compassion, it is possible to create a new, enriching relationship with your partner. Or you can make a peaceful, conscious decision to separate or divorce.
You’ll give yourself the necessary time it takes to focus respectfully and honestly on potential, positive outcomes rather than making a unilateral or irreversible decision to end your marriage. At the same time, however, the sooner you begin the process of Compassionate Mediation, the sooner you’ll begin to make the changes that will heal your family, no matter what form that family takes in the future.
Love is the Answer—and It Starts with Loving Your SELF
Compassionate Mediation is an opportunity to talk about everything that has been a problem, and a chance to create a new marriage to the person you’re living with now.
You begin to love yourself enough to do the work you need to heal the burdens from the past. You learn how to let go of any limiting beliefs that keep you from being open to new possibilities. You connect to your heart, your higher SELF, your witnessing awareness and your wisdom, and then you bring that energy back into your relationship. This book will give you the tools to put these ideals into practice, including links to my website for more support and a deeper dive into your own personal healing and transformation.
Looking at an ending can help create a new beginning. Compassionate Mediation® is a short-term process that helps you bring your best SELF to your relationship so that you can co-create a new and better relationship—no matter what form it takes.
You can take the time you need to learn more about Compassionate Communication, Compassionate Relationships, and Compassionate Mediation. You will see that if you’re going to make the decision to get divorced, you can create a compassionate and SELF-Led Divorce®, in which you’re communicating from your highest and best SELF for the benefit of all concerned.
To learn more, you can get the book on Amazon: here.
When you meditate, you practice detaching from the conditioned thoughts and beliefs of your ego and begin to attune to the innate desires of your higher SELF (or Soul.)
Meditation moves your response system from reactive—where you go into old knee jerk behaviors—and helps you to become more reflective and make conscious choices. You are able to break out of past conditioning of your Family of Origin and be willing to tap into the unconditioned SELF of your spiritual nature, which offers more compassion and connection.
The purpose of meditation can also be part of a spiritual quest to find out who you truly are and help you live your life more in SELF than in reactive Parts. Meditation takes you beyond your mind, intellect, and ego to your Soul and Spirit. You remember who you can be and not who you have become defensively in your relationship. You learn how to bring the best version of your SELF to your partnership and then watch it miraculously begin to transform.
davidji, in his book The Secrets of Meditation, offers this observation: ”Over time, meditation quiets you to a state where you experience life with a deeper understanding of your true Self, which can open the door to spiritual exploration, connection, discovery and fulfillment. It is along the so-called spiritual path that you truly can experience your unbounded Self—your unconditioned Self—the infinite you that rests at the core of who you are underneath your body and beneath this worldly garb of title, roles, masks, ego and the complexities of this life.”
As you meditate, you connect with your essential SELF and look within to get your needs met. You can remember your fundamental wholeness, divinity, and perfection, and connect with your Spirit on a daily basis. You experience silence and relaxation, and enrich your active daily life and all your relationships.
In speaking of the benefits of meditation, Dick Schwartz said, “This innate core within us is what some people call our Buddha nature, soul, ‘atman,’ and so forth. The problem is that too often this essence—what I call the Self—has been obscured by the protective parts of us that try to keep our lives on track in the mistaken belief that they know best. Thus, the process of coming to a fuller experience of self-compassion typically begins with creating open space for this Self to come forward.”
Meditation can help you remember that you are a reflection of the Divine, as is your partner. We’re all one, and we’re all divine. Sometimes you may need to take a loving timeout in meditation from the constant patterns of your mind, and then weave a whole new way of communication that can blanket your relationship with loving-kindness.
Forgiveness as an Antidote to Stress
Studies have shown that meditation improves forgiveness, which in turn can reduce stress. Forgiving yourself and your partner does not mean you will need to stay in your current relationship. Forgiveness is often a pre-requisite for being free to create a new relationship that is unencumbered from the shackles of past pain. You take better care of your SELF without needing walls or filters or burdens of any kind. Then you are free to create the relationship with yourself and others, with attention on constant and loving SELF care.
When you meditate, you can reboot, redo, or renew your relationship in so many loving ways. You can talk about all your issues with cooperation and mutual respect. You can rise above the level of the automatic fight/flight response to a problem and solve it from a higher level of consciousness. You will find creative and intuitive solutions that are made from your best SELF.
From an expanded perspective of SELF-leadership, you can talk about your children, money, work, sex. You can talk about everything you’ve ever wanted to talk about with ease and grace. Instead of feeling like adversaries, you feel like partners. Peace transcends conflict and joining together can actually feel like fun. You heighten your personal journey towards SELF-realization by accessing higher states of consciousness.
Focusing on your breath and meditation allows you to stay in constant contact with your highest and best SELF. To learn more, please click here.
